This Summer - Chapter One

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This late in the afternoon, the pier was scattered with people. Old men sat in little picnic chairs, eskies by their sides and rods in hand. Small children with patient parents threw lines in, trying to catch the first bite of the day before the sun went down.

I sat with my feet dangling in the water, on a small jetty just underneath the pier, one of many, where boats dock. This one is deserted, and I’ve got the pleasure of being left alone as I assess my surroundings. The sun is setting, and I wish I had bothered to retrieve my sunglasses before leaving the house. I squint as I scan the beach.

Bassington Beach is one of those towns along Cape Cod that relies on the summer months; the population nearly triples with wealthy families with young children and nannies. Teenagers and college kids come for the break, using the bays further along from the main town as anything from volleyball and soccer fields to make-out spots and bonfire pits. A small town during winter and school time, Bassington has one supermarket, two petrol stations, the usual emergency services and a multitude of boutique clothing/jewellery stores, bike shops, restaurants, bars, cafes, pubs, eateries, ice-cream parlours…you name it, Bassington has it. All located centrally along the Bassington Boardwalk, which come nightfall will be jam-packed with people again.

The water is cold as my feet skim across its surface. It’s shallow enough that I can see the schools of fish underneath swimming by, as if they didn’t have a care in the world.
A group of teenaged guys stroll up the pier, all laughing and joking as if they were the only people in the world. I feel glad that I’m invisible on my little patch of wood, where no-one can see me but I can see the world.

My mobile phone vibrates loudly against the wooden planks, and I snatch it up before it falls down into the cracks.

‘DAD’ flashed up in bold print across the screen. I pressed the red button, sighing. I’d have to go back to the house some time soon, but I wanted to enjoy the serenity while it lasted. Back at Dad’s, everything would be chaotic and noisy, what with Matt and I having two months of luggage to unpack. Another sigh escaped my lips as I lean back on my hands.
Coming to my Dad’s for summer break was the worst idea in the world. Not only did he live thousands of miles away from my home in England, but it wasn’t as if I’d be spending the summer in a place like New York City or Los Angeles. Bassington Beach was tiny, compared to the big pulsing city life of London.

Any other time, in any other situation, I would have jumped at the chance of visiting my father. I loved him, and the divorce was one of the hardest things I’d ever have to go through. Being shipped to another continent because my mother didn’t trust me to take care of my younger brother for four weeks while she gallivanted off on her honeymoon with Husband No. 3. How the court had ruled my mother the best person to look after us, I don’t know. I’d rather live with my Dad, if he hadn’t decided to move back to his hometown.
I pulled my legs up and out of the water, standing up. Shoes in one hand, I shoved my phone in to the pockets of my jeans. At least here I didn’t have to worry about all the drama that was happening back home. And here, no-one was interested in dance. It was all volleyball, fishing, swimming and skateboarding.

Seagulls squawked overheard, scavenging for scraps of food left behind from beach. I strolled down the pier, the hard wood digging into the soles of my bare feet.
Screams and cheers cut through the air, and I turned around to see four guys running down the pier after a football. It rolled, full speed ahead, towards me before deciding to veer off to the other side. Nethertheless, one of them runs into me, pushing me into the railings. I fling myself to the side to try and avoid the clash, but our bodies meet and I grab the wooden railings with both hands. The boy mutters a quick sorry, picking himself off the ground and dashing off back to his friends.

I bring one hand to my chest, feeling my heart beating inside as I try and calm myself down. The pier vibrates as there’s motion, and I look to my left to see a tall boy jogging up to me.
“I’m so sorry,” he calls, as he reaches me. “Are you okay?” I look at him from the sides of my eyes, still clutching my chest. He’s about six foot, and I can’t really make out his face very well because the setting sun creates a halo of light around his body, blacking out his face. I can tell he has dark hair, and it’s all messed up. His hands are on his hips as he tries to catch his breath.

“One of your friends?” I ask, my voice sounding out of place next to his Yankee accent. He nods, an apologetic smile on his face.
“They’re a pack of animals. I can’t take them anywhere.”
He leans his arms against the wooden railings, and I notice that while he’s relatively skinny, he’s also quite muscley; I can see the definition on his arms.
“I’m Sam,” he says, looking at me with a lazy smile. His gaze turns down to where the ocean is lapping against the wooden poles, and his expression changes. “And I think that they may be your shoes.” He points down to the water, and I lean over the railings. A groan escapes my lips.

My gold ballet flats bob up and down in the water, clearly having a ball as the small waves push them further and further away from the pier.

“Shit,” I curse. I must of dropped them when the boy ran into me and I grabbed the railing. I stomped my right foot in agitation, before realizing that I had company. Sam looked at me with an amused expression on his face.
“What? They were really expensive shoes!” I justified, before realizing that talking to a guy about shoes was as useful as telling an Englishman that England would win the World Cup. I sighed, pressing my head into the chipped wood of the railings, watching as my shoes continued their journey along the pier.

“Hold on,” Sam spoke. I tilted my head to look at him. He took off his shirt, stepping out of his own shoes before climbing around to the other side of the pier. I stood up straight.
“What are you doing?” I asked curiously, knowing full well what he was about to do. Sam smiled at me, his knees bent. All that kept him from falling into the water was his hands.
“You want your shoes, don’t you?” Sam questioned, and I nodded. The next second, he dived perfectly into the water with a splash. After a few seconds, he came up for air, shaking the water out of his head.

“It’s freezing!” He laughed aloud, swimming over with long easy strokes to my shoes.
I broke out of my freeze, still a little gob smacked he’d dived into the ocean to get my shoes. Picking up Sam’s shoes and shirt, I ran down the pier, my feet slapping against the hard wood. Eventually I was on the beach, the cool sand sinking through my feet as I reached the water’s edge.

Sam was coming out of the water as I approached the lapping waves. The water swirled around my feet, washing away any of the sand that had stuck to my feet. His was very fit, I realized, checking him out. As if on queue, he ran his hand through his hair, water droplets shaking out around him. I felt my cheeks go red - what was this place, a set of Baywatch or something? I looked down the beach, expecting to see Pamela Anderson and the Hoff running in slow motion along the sand.

“Your shoes,” Sam said, holding the flats out to me as he came to a stop in front of me.
I took them from his outstretched hands, our fingers brushing together.
“Thanks, Sam,” I said, handing him his own items of clothing. I pushed my way through the sand as we walked back up the pier together. I was supposed to turn right, and he needed to go left, or so it seemed.

“I’ll see you around?” Sam asked, his shirt in his hand. I bit my lip. Romance was not on the cards for coming here, after everything that had happened back home, but I couldn’t resist answering him.
“Of course.”

I smiled and turned around, heading for my Dad’s house. Maybe this summer wouldn’t be so bad after all.
I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.
Chaucer, A Knight's Tale

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
Oscar Wilde




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austenite wrote:This late in the afternoon, the pier was scattered with people. Old men sat in little picnic chairs, eskies OK, so I have to admit that I know nothing about fishing, but is this really a word? Or is it a typo? If it is a word, then I'd suggest taking it out and replacing it. I tripped over this, trying to take in what you were trying to say, then decided I couldn't make sense out of it other than a fishing term. And I doubt I'm the only who doesn't know fishing terms. by their sides and rods in hand. Small children with patient parents threw lines in, trying to catch the first bite of the day before the sun went down. I don't know, this just doesn't seem right to me. I'd change "the" to "their". Right now it seems that nodoby has caught anything all day. I'm assuming that just they haven't caught anything.

I sat with my feet dangling in the water, on a small jetty just underneath the pier, which was I think it'll flow better if you inserted those words. one of many, where boats docked. So far you've been writing in past tense. This is present. This one was deserted, and I had I'm holding you to past tense. Just so you know. the pleasure of being left alone as I assessed my surroundings. The sun was setting, and I wished I had bothered to retrieve my sunglasses before leaving the house. I squinted as I scanned the beach.

Bassington Beach was one of those towns along Cape Cod that relied on the summer months; the population nearly tripled with wealthy families with young children and nannies. You used "with" twice here. I'd rephrase this "with wealthy couples, their young children, and nannies." Teenagers and college kids came for the break, using the bays further along from the main town for anything from volleyball and soccer fields to make-out spots and bonfire pits. A small town during winter and school time, Bassington had one supermarket, two petrol stations, the usual emergency services and a multitude of boutique clothing/jewellery stores Here I'd just say "boutiques." I think we all know what a boutiques are stocked with, and the latter part is disrupting the flow. , bike shops, restaurants, bars, cafes, pubs, eateries, ice-cream parlours…you name it, Bassington had it. All located centrally along the Bassington Boardwalk, which come nightfall will be jam-packed with people again.

The water was cold as my feet skimmed across its surface. It’s shallow enough that I could see the schools of fish underneath swimming by, as if they didn’t have a care in the world.
A group of teenaged guys strolled up the pier, all laughing and joking as if they were the only people in the world. I felt glad that I was invisible on my little patch of wood, where no one could see me but I could see the world.

My mobile phone vibrated loudly against the wooden planks, and I snatched it up before it fell down into the cracks.

‘DAD’ I think this would be better if you just italicized it. flashed up in bold print across the screen. I pressed the red button, sighing. I’d have to go back to the house some time soon, but I wanted to enjoy the serenity while it lasted. Back at Dad’s, everything would be chaotic and noisy, what with Matt and I having two months of luggage to unpack. Another sigh escaped my lips as I leaned back on my hands.
Coming to my Dad’s for summer break was the worst idea in the world. Not only did he live thousands of miles away from my home in England, but it wasn’t as if I’d be spending the summer in a place like New York City or Los Angeles. Bassington Beach was tiny, compared to the big pulsing city life of London.

Any other time, in any other situation, I would have jumped at the chance of visiting my father. I loved him, and the divorce was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to go through. Being shipped to another continent because my mother didn’t trust me to take care of my younger brother for four weeks while she gallivanted off on her honeymoon with Husband No. 3 You should spell out bother "number" and "three". Also, I don't think you finished this sentecne. It's a fragment. . How the court had ruled my mother the best person to look after us, I don’t know. I’d rather live with my Dad, if he hadn’t decided to move back to his hometown.
I pulled my legs up and out of the water, standing up. This would flow better if you said "and stood up". Shoes in one hand, I shoved my phone in to the pockets of my jeans. At least here I didn’t have to worry about all the drama that was happening back home. And here, no-one No one is two different words; you don't need a hyphen. was interested in dance. It was all volleyball, fishing, swimming and skateboarding.

Seagulls squawked overhead, scavenging for scraps of food left behind from beach. I strolled down the pier, the hard wood digging into the soles of my bare feet.
Screams and cheers cut through the air, and I turned around to see four guys running down the pier after a football. It rolled, full speed ahead, towards me before deciding to veer off to the other side. Nevertheless, one of them ran into me, pushing me into the railings. I fling myself to the side to try and avoid the clash, but our bodies meet and I grab the wooden railings with both hands. The boy mutters a quick sorry, picking himself off the ground and dashing off back to his friends.

I brought one hand to my chest, feeling my heart beating inside as I tried to calm myself down. The pier vibrated as there’s motion, and I looked to my left to see a tall boy jogging up to me.
“I’m so sorry,” he called, as he reached me. “Are you okay?” I look at him from the sides of my eyes, still clutching my chest. He’s about six foot, and I couldn’t really make out his face very well because the setting sun created a halo of light around his body, blacking out his face. I could tell he had dark hair, and it was all messed up. His hands were on his hips as he tried to catch his breath.

“One of your friends?” I asked, my voice sounding out of place next to his Yankee accent. He nodded, an apologetic smile on his face.
“They’re a pack of animals. I can’t take them anywhere.”
He leaned his arms against the wooden railings, and I noticed that while he was relatively skinny, he was also quite muscley I'd change this to "well-musceled." "Muscley" isn't a word. ; I could see the definition on his arms.
“I’m Sam,” he said, looking at me with a lazy smile. His gaze turned down to where the ocean was lapping against the wooden poles, and his expression changed. “And I think that they may be your shoes.” He pointed down to the water, and I lean over the railings. A groan escaped my lips.

My gold ballet flats bobbed up and down in the water, clearly having a ball as the small waves pushed them further and further away from the pier.

“Shit,” I cursed. I must have dropped them when the boy ran into me and I grabbed the railing. I stomped my right foot in agitation, before realizing that I had company. Sam looked at me with an amused expression on his face.
“What? They were really expensive shoes!” I justified, before realizing that talking to a guy about shoes was as useful as telling an Englishman that England would win the World Cup. I sighed, pressing my head into the chipped wood of the railings, watching as my shoes continued their journey along the pier.

“Hold on,” Sam spoke. I tilted my head to look at him. He took off his shirt, stepping out of his own shoes, before climbing around to the other side of the pier. I stood up straight.
“What are you doing?” I asked curiously, knowing full well what he was about to do. Sam smiled at me, his knees bent. All that kept him from falling into the water was his hands.
“You want your shoes, don’t you?” Sam questioned, and I nodded. The next second, he dove perfectly into the water with a splash. After a few seconds, he came up for air, shaking the water out of his head.

“It’s freezing!” I don't know, this doesn't seem like something someone would say after retrieving the shoes. This could just be me though. He laughed aloud, swimming over with long easy strokes to my shoes.
I broke out of my freeze You just used the word "freezing." Also, I don't think that's worded well anyways. Maybe "I broke out of my trance", or "I unfroze" or something similar. , still a little gob smacked Is this an English phrase? Because I've never hear that before. he’d dived into the ocean to get my shoes. Picking up Sam’s shoes and shirt, I ran down the pier, my feet slapping against the hard wood. Eventually I was on the beach, the cool sand sinking through my feet as I reached the water’s edge.

Sam was coming out of the water as I approached the lapping waves. The water swirled around my feet, washing away any of the sand that had stuck to my feet. He was very fit, I realized, checking him out. As if on queue, he ran his hand through his hair, water droplets shaking out around him. I felt my cheeks go red - what was this place, a set of Baywatch or something? I looked down the beach, expecting to see Pamela Anderson and the Hoff running in slow motion along the sand.

“Your shoes,” Sam said, holding the flats out to me as he came to a stop in front of me.
I took them from his outstretched hands, our fingers brushing together.
“Thanks, Sam,” I said, handing him his own items of clothing. I pushed my way through the sand as we walked back up the pier together. I was supposed to turn right, and he needed to go left, or so it seemed.

“I’ll see you around?” Sam asked, his shirt in his hand. I bit my lip. Romance was not on the cards for coming here, after everything that had happened back home, but I couldn’t resist answering him.
“Of course.”

I smiled and turned around, heading for my Dad’s house. Maybe this summer wouldn’t be so bad after all.


Grammar

Overall your grammar is very good, but one thing I noticed is tenses. They're the main thing I pointed out. Don't feel too bad; I used to suck at these too. I'm assuming you're doing past tense, considering that's what you started with. And ended with. But most of the middle is in present tense. I think I got most of it, though I might have missed a few. Before posting, why don't you try reading it out loud. This usually catches most grammar errors that silent reading passes over.

Characters

So far your characters seem cool. It's hard to tell so early on, but as a first chapter they seem nicely developed.

Plot

OK, so while the whole girl gets in trouble at home and is forced to live with her divorced parents on the beach for the summer and meets a cute guy thing is done, that doesn't mean that you can't do it. Just be sure to make your subplots and characters original and uncliched and you should have no problem keeping readers.

Overall

I like this. :) It's kept my interest. It's made me ask questions, which is always a good thing. As with characters, sometimes you just have to wait for further chapters to see if it's any good. But as a first chapter it seems cool. Well done. :)

Hope I helped, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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Hey, I'm going to post a quick reply, okay?
Okay, I'll admit I clicked on to this page thinking 'oh great another love story where a girl doesn't want to fall in love but ends up falling in love at the beach' but this surprised me. Even though as ultraviolet said it has been done before you made it original. Especially with the shoe thing, lol. So keep it up and avoid cliches like the plague. I can't wait to read more, so keep writing! :-)
Gaston: How can you read this? There's no pictures!
Belle: Well, some people use their imagination.

Beauty and the Beast, 1991




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Thanks for the feedback guys!! Ultraviolet, tenses noted down. That's one area I struggle with, so I'm glad you actually patiently went through all of that and corrected it. I applaude you!!! Two things: eskies is an Australian term. I put in there just for the time being, cos I wasn't too sure what was the American/English equalivant of it. Basically an esky is something you put all your drinks and food in and then put ice into it to keep it cold. Maybe because Australian is my mother tongue it sounded right, and just slipped out and passed my mind when re-reading. Will take into consideration though. Gob-smacked again is an English term that I use quite frequently - don't if it is English or Australian, but if it is English then I'm leaving it, as my MC is English.

I'm glad you both liked the shoe thing. I've been frustrated lately because everything I write seems to be very cliched, so I thought as an exercise I'd get cliches out of my system by writing about one, and this is the first part of the project. But I will keep comments in mind about not getting too cliched and overdone. Many thanks again!
I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.
Chaucer, A Knight's Tale

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
Oscar Wilde




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I think the American equivalent of an esky is a cooler. Anyways, that's what it sounds like.
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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ultraviolet wrote:I think the American equivalent of an esky is a cooler. Anyways, that's what it sounds like.
'
That's the one. Thanks very much!
I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.
Chaucer, A Knight's Tale

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
Oscar Wilde




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Hey there! Here to review!

I must admit, I had to go through and read it a second time to catch anything because I was so caught up in the romance!

Quotes 'n' comments

I sat with my feet dangling in the water, on a small jetty just underneath the pier, one of many, where boats dock.


Just a quick note, you say later that the water is extremely cold. I'd say that it's cold here, too, so we can get a sense of her touch. Don't forget to talk about the salty sea are, because if there's something readers love, it's reading about all five senses so that they can actually feel, smell, etc. it.

So, this isn't much of a grabber. A grabber, if you didn't know, is a sentence at the beginning of a story, novel, essay, etc. that 'grabs' the reader so that they won't stop reading. This is just a plain description, and it isn't that beautiful. It doesn't have anything grabbing me in, and pulling me so that I stay. I would suggest using this as the opening, because it is a great example of your writing:

I feel glad that I’m invisible on my little patch of wood, where no-one can see me but I can see the world.


One reason why I think this should be your opening sentence is that it's beautiful. I can picture a girl secluded and stopped, while the world continues on around her. It's really a beautiful picture. The second reason is that it tells us about your character. If you say this, then you have the opportunity to go on about how her parents are divorced and her living situation (which I don't think should all be said in one paragraph, but we'll get to that later).

DAD’ flashed up in bold print across the screen. I pressed the red button, sighing.


Alright, so one thing about this. My dad would kill me if I ignored his call, especially if I was in some place that I had never been before. Plus, I think it would be interesting to hear the conversation between her and her father. It would introduce her father a bit so we can get more of a feel as to why she's conflicted between her mother and father. If you don't create a conversation, I think it would sound more realistic if she thought something like 'he's going to kill be for ignoring his call.' It would just sound like an actual teenager speaking.

Plot and context

So, I already talked to you about your grabber, let's talk about descriptions, shall we?

You over describe almost everything in this, and you rush into things too quickly. Let's start with the over-description. So when you first start over analyzing everything is when you talk about the town. Readers don't need - or want - to know everything about the town, at least right at this minute. I would just mention things that are essential to the story. Like, are they going to meet up at the ice cream shop in later chapters? Then put it. Otherwise you can say that it's like a beach town or boardwalk, because everyone knows what that is, and it would save you from rambling on about what the place looks like. Why don't you want the rambling? Because it's boring, and being boring in the first chapter is the last thing you want!

The second and last time in this chapter is when you talk about the parents. Instead of telling me about them, show it to me through actions and dialogue. I remember reading a story that is similar to this, and the writer introduced conflicts by having the parent who she isn't staying with call her, and nag about the parent who she is staying with, so that we get a feel of the tension between both characters. To make this novel longer and more interesting, leave us some suspense! Let us wonder why she's with her father, and why she doesn't like staying with him so much.

Characters

I love your main character. She is such a divided character, it's amazing. What I mean about divided is that she already contradicts herself, when she's talking about her parents, so that means that she's still young, undecided, and doesn't know what she wants. I don't know if you realize it, but through this first chapter I already know a bunch about your character! I mean, she's so divided, she's self conscious and not at the same time! I love it.

Sam seems adorable, and I think you portrayed him great. I just don't like the speed that the relationship between them is moving. I also don't think it's a good idea that you introduce him so early on. I also don't like how he's so perfect. He knows that his friends are rude, he jumps into the freezing water for her, he's hot? That's a total [u=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue]Mary Sue[/u], and because he is a Mary Sue, he has no room to grow. Your MC has plenty of room to grow by the end of the novel, but it doesn't seem like he does. Even if he's just there to help your MC along with her struggle, he has to have a growth, too.

Speed

Finally, we reach speed! So, I think you're moving way too fast. My creative writing teacher always commented on how he loved that I start 'in the middle of the action,' however here, you're starting father than the middle! I think if you started it when she's leaving, and saying goodbye to her mother, or telling her mother that she is leaving for the summer, you would have a much easier time with introducing the conflicts of this story. Right now, you feel as if you have to introduce everything all in one, and it shoes. Try to start the story earlier on, and I can guarantee you that you won't feel like that! :)

Overall (wow this is a long review!)

I liked this. It felt like an actual book, and you have the writing voice for a novel. I don't think I do, because I'm not good at introducing things in just one chapter, but you seem to get it naturally, so I'm very happy for you! I can see a great story coming out of this, and I love stories like this, so If you post more I will be all on top of reviewing it! Keep writing, and try to work on the things I mentioned above before writing more!

Good luck and keep writing,

Sam.




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As promised, I am here to do a review for you. He, he; it rhymes. My name is Alice, really but on this site I go Cirque. :D I am kind of a new reviewer so if I get something wrong I am sorry.

Terminology:

Bold: Words not needed.
Red: Grammar/ Spelling mistake.
Green: General Comment.
Blue: Suggestion.

This late in the afternoon, the pier was scattered with people. Old men sat in little picnic chairs, eskies by their sides and rods in hand. Small children with patient parents threw lines in, trying to catch the first bite of the day before the sun went down.

I sat with my feet dangling in the water, on a small jetty just underneath the pier, one of many, where boats dock. This sentence sounds very awkward. Reading over it, I can't really place my finger on it but I think you have to much information. I'll try to straighten it out, though if it isn't to your liking, then I'm sorry. I sat on the small jetty just underneath the pier, one of many, where boats dock. My feet dangled over the side of the splintered timber and into the cool, sea water.This one is deserted, and I’ve got the pleasure of being left alone as I assess my surroundings. The sun is setting, and I wish I had bothered to retrieve my sunglasses before leaving the house. I squint as I scan the beach.

Bassington Beach is one of those towns along Cape Cod that relies on the summer months; the population nearly triples with wealthy families with young children and nannies. Teenagers and college kids come for the break, using the bays further along from the main town as anything from volleyball and soccer fields, to make-out spots and bonfire pits. A small town during winter and school time, Bassington has one supermarket, two petrol stations, the usual emergency services and a multitude of boutique clothing/jewellery stores, bike shops, restaurants, bars, cafes, pubs, eateries, ice-cream parlours…you name it, Bassington has it. Hmmm, this sounds like a clump of information. I don't think it is really needed if you ask me.All located centrally along the Bassington Boardwalk, which come nightfall will be jam-packed with people again.

The water is cold as my feet skim across its surface. It’s shallow enough that I can see the schools of fish underneath swimming by, as if they didn’t have a care in the world.
A group of teenaged guys stroll up the pier, all laughing and joking as if they were the only people in the world. I feel glad that I’m invisible on my little patch of wood, where no-one can see me but I can see the world.

My mobile phone vibrates loudly against the wooden planks, and I snatch it up before it falls down into the cracks.

‘DAD’ flashed up in bold print across the screen. I pressed the red button, sighing. I’d have to go back to the house some time soon, but I wanted to enjoy the serenity while it lasted. Back at Dad’s, everything would be chaotic and noisy, what with Matt and I having two months of luggage to unpack. Another sigh escaped my lips as I lean back on my hands.
Coming to my Dad’s for summer break was the worst idea in the world. Not only did he live thousands of miles away from my home in England, but it wasn’t as if I’d be spending the summer in a place like New York City or Los Angeles. Bassington Beach was tiny, compared to the big pulsing city life of London.

Any other time, in any other situation, I would have jumped at the chance of visiting my father. I loved him, and the divorce was one of the hardest things I’d ever have to go through. Being shipped to another continent because my mother didn’t trust me to take care of my younger brother for four weeks while she gallivanted off on her honeymoon with Husband No. 3. How the court had ruled my mother the best person to look after us, I don’t know. I’d rather live with my Dad, if he hadn’t decided to move back to his hometown.
I pulled my legs up and out of the water, standing up. Shoes in one hand, I shoved my phone in to the pockets of my jeans. At least here I didn’t have to worry about all the drama that was happening back home. And here, no-one was interested in dance. It was all volleyball, fishing, swimming and skateboarding.

Seagulls squawked overheard, scavenging for scraps of food left behind from beach. I strolled down the pier, the hard wood digging into the soles of my bare feet.
Screams and cheers cut through the air, and I turned around to see four guys running down the pier after a football. It rolled, full speed ahead, towards me before deciding to veer off to the other side. Nethertheless, one of them runs into me, pushing me into the railings. I fling myself to the side to try and avoid the clash, but our bodies meet and I grab the wooden railings with both hands. The boy mutters a quick sorry, picking himself off the ground and dashing off back to his friends.

I bring one hand to my chest, feeling my heart beating inside as I try and calm myself down. The pier vibrates as there’s motion, and I look to my left to see a tall boy jogging up to me.
“I’m so sorry,” he calls, as he reaches me. “Are you okay?” I look at him from the sides of my eyes, still clutching my chest. He’s about six foot, and I can’t really make out his face very well because the setting sun creates a halo of light around his body, blacking out his face. I can tell he has dark hair, and it’s all messed up. His hands are on his hips as he tries to catch his breath.

“One of your friends?” I ask, my voice sounding out of place next to his Yankee accent. He nods, an apologetic smile on his face.
“They’re a pack of animals. I can’t take them anywhere.”
He leans his arms against the wooden railings, and I notice that while he’s relatively skinny, he’s also quite muscley; I can see the definition on his arms.
“I’m Sam,” he says, looking at me with a lazy smile. His gaze turns down to where the ocean is lapping against the wooden poles, and his expression changes. “And I think that they may be your shoes.” He points down to the water, and I lean over the railings. A groan escapes my lips.

My gold ballet flats bob up and down in the water, clearly having a ball as the small waves push them further and further away from the pier.

“Shit,” I curse. I must of dropped them when the boy ran into me and I grabbed the railing. I stomped my right foot in agitation, before realizing that I had company. Sam looked at me with an amused expression on his face.
“What? They were really expensive shoes!” I justified, before realizing that talking to a guy about shoes was as useful as telling an Englishman that England would win the World Cup. I sighed, pressing my head into the chipped wood of the railings, watching as my shoes continued their journey along the pier.

“Hold on,” Sam spoke. I tilted my head to look at him. He took off his shirt, stepping out of his own shoes before climbing around to the other side of the pier. I stood up straight.
“What are you doing?” I asked curiously, knowing full well what he was about to do. Sam smiled at me, his knees bent. All that kept him from falling into the water was his hands.
“You want your shoes, don’t you?” Sam questioned, and I nodded. The next second, he dived perfectly into the water with a splash. After a few seconds, he came up for air, shaking the water out of his head.

“It’s freezing!” He laughed aloud, swimming over with long easy strokes to my shoes.
I broke out of my freeze, still a little gob smacked he’d dived into the ocean to get my shoes. Picking up Sam’s shoes and shirt, I ran down the pier, my feet slapping against the hard wood. Eventually I was on the beach, the cool sand sinking through my feet as I reached the water’s edge.

Sam was coming out of the water as I approached the lapping waves. The water swirled around my feet, washing away any of the sand that had stuck to my feet. His was very fit, I realized, checking him out. As if on queue, he ran his hand through his hair, water droplets shaking out around him. I felt my cheeks go red - what was this place, a set off Baywatch or something? I looked down the beach, expecting to see Pamela Anderson and the Hoff running in slow motion along the sand. Ha, ha! :D That's hilarious.

“Your shoes,” Sam said, holding the flats out to me as he came to a stop in front of me.
I took them from his outstretched hands, our fingers brushing together.
“Thanks, Sam,” I said, handing him his own items of clothing. I pushed my way through the sand as we walked back up the pier together. I was supposed to turn right, and he needed to go left, or so it seemed.

“I’ll see you around?” Sam asked, his shirt in his hand. I bit my lip. Romance was not on the cards for coming here, after everything that had happened back home, but I couldn’t resist answering him.
“Of course.”

I smiled and turned around, heading for my Dad’s house. Maybe this summer wouldn’t be so bad after all.


Grammar: An overall good. One thing that I do have to comment on though is sometime you use to many comma's which make you sentencing confusing. If you went through and read the run on sentences such as this one;

I sat with my feet dangling in the water, on a small jetty just underneath the pier, one of many, where boats dock.


You'll see that really more full stops are needed then extra comma's. I went through and fixed it over head, as it seems that this is really the only one that I can truly comment on. After this, there wasn't really anymore mistakes as you can see from the bland looking quote.

Characters: I don't actually know the main character's name, though she does have her place. As she is the main character and your writing in first preference, I don't think I'll find out till later. I think the main character is something different. She doesn't seem cliche, and she does have her place as I have specified already. Sam, also seems like an erotic character. Someone different; the Baywatch statement was hilarious. I don't really know much about her brother; Matt or her father. Although, I think I'm going to find out soon enough.

Plot: Since this is the first chapter it is rather hard to tell, but seeing from so far I think this is a romance novel.
I can't really comment on this as I am not sure but I can say that so far, it is heading smoothly.

Overall: Just hilarious. That crack about Pamela Anderson and the Hoff made me fall out of my chair laughing. The only problem I saw was the sentences I have already pointed out other then that it was smooth sailing!




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Thanks for your review Cirque!! Really appreciated. I love getting different comments on this, I'm working on it a lot. I think, like you said, everything will be releaved as the chapters go on, because this is the first. I'm glad you recognise that as well!! So glad you loved the Pamela Anderson bit as well!! ( I love making people fall off chairs without having pushed them) Thanks again!
I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.
Chaucer, A Knight's Tale

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
Oscar Wilde




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Hey,

I thought I'd check this out because I liked the title :). Since you already got the grammar done by other reviewers I'll just give you my opinion on stuff. I don't like how Sam told this girl (I think) his name but she didn't respond with hers. I understand she was more focused on the shoes but at the end sheshould have said her name. Or maybe you did that on purpose? -shrugs- I'm loving Sam. My old crush was named Sam so I could just imagine him as a hottie, lol. I'm assuming she's (main character) is in her teen years because she lives at home but I guess she could be college too. You did an amazing job with description but maybe you overdid it a little. Like for example the first sentence; just that could be trimmed down like crazy. :) Very good job, I'll be "following" you on my profile thingy so I know when you post up the next part. :D


~Jasmine Bells

EDIT:Stay away from cliches. In this you TELL us that she "isn't looking for love" but we all know that she will end up with Sam anyway :). To keep this from becoming another Sara Dessen story, maybe add another male character or female character and make it a love triangle. :D
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~




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jasminebells wrote:I thought I'd check this out because I liked the title :). Since you already got the grammar done by other reviewers I'll just give you my opinion on stuff. I don't like how Sam told this girl (I think) his name but she didn't respond with hers. I understand she was more focused on the shoes but at the end sheshould have said her name. Or maybe you did that on purpose? -shrugs- I'm loving Sam.



Thanks for your review!! I didn't actually realize that until you pointed it out. I thought about it, and adding her name, but I guess it adds to it a bit, I think, cos of the preoccupation with her shoes. In the next chapter, you are introduced more to her life, age, name etc. Thanks again for your review. I'm glad I have a follower now!! Squeeee!
I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.
Chaucer, A Knight's Tale

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
Oscar Wilde




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I am here to review like you asked. First I must say that the title isn't very intriguing I would have never clicked on it unless you asked. Second I didn't read any of the other reviews, so I if I repeat anything I am sorry.

austenite wrote:This late in the afternoon, the pier was (always?) scattered with people. Old men sat in little picnic chairs, eskies Is this bait? Some tool they use? If I got stuck with this word others probably will too. by their sides and rods in hand. This is the way it should be if the children threw the lines in. Small children, with patient parents, threw lines in, trying to catch the first bite of the day before the sun went down.

Commas are used to separate an explanatory phrase from the rest of the sentence: Anchovies, or small fish, are unpopular on pizza.


I sat with my feet dangling in the water, on a small jetty just underneath the pier, one of many, where boats dock. This one is If you want the same tense of before "is" should be was. deserted, and I’ve Leave the non-red part.got the pleasure of being left alone as I assessed add ed my surroundings. The sun is was setting, and I wish I had bothered to retrieve my sunglasses before leaving the house. I squinted as I scaned the beach.

Alright, I am not going to point it out anymore, but you change tenses a ton. Sometimes in the same sentence. I suggest reading it over for just that problem.

Bassington Beach is one of those towns along Cape Cod that relies on the summer months; the population nearly triples with wealthy families, with take out "with" repeating it sounds weird. young children, and nannies. Teenagers and college kids come for the break, using the bays further along from the main town as anything from volleyball and soccer fields to make-out spots and bonfire pits. A small town during winter and school time, Bassington has one supermarket, two petrol stations, the usual emergency services and a multitude of boutique clothing/jewellery jewelry stores, bike shops, restaurants, bars, cafes, pubs, eateries, ice-cream parlours parlors…you name it, Bassington has it. All located centrally along the Bassington Boardwalk, which come nightfall will be jam-packed with people again. Great I am learning about where she lives, but I have no idea what she is like yet. You also are telling, not showing. I do like the way you are going about it though.

The water is cold as my feet skim across its surface. It’s shallow enough that I can see the schools of fish underneath swimming by, as if they didn’t have a care in the world.
A group of teenaged guys stroll up the pier, all laughing and joking as if they were the only people in the world. I feel glad that I’m invisible on my little patch of wood, where no-one can see me but I can see the world.

My mobile phone vibrates loudly against the wooden planks, and I snatch it up before it falls down into the cracks.

‘DAD’ flashed up in bold print across the screen. I pressed the red button, sighing. I’d have to go back to the house some time soon, but I wanted to enjoy the serenity while it lasted. Back at Dad’s, everything would be chaotic and noisy, what with Matt and I having two months of luggage to unpack. Another sigh escaped my lips as I lean back on my hands.
Coming to my Dad’s for summer break was the worst idea in the world. Not only did he live thousands of miles away from my home in England, but it wasn’t as if I’d be spending the summer in a place like New York City or Los Angeles. Bassington Beach was tiny, compared to the big pulsing city life of London. You are showing now! that makes me happy!

Any other time, in any other situation, I would have jumped at the chance of visiting my father. I loved him, and the divorce was one of the hardest things I’d ever have to go through. Being shipped to another continent because my mother didn’t trust me to take care of my younger brother for four weeks while she gallivanted off on her honeymoon with Husband No. 3. How the court had ruled my mother the best person to look after us, I don’t know. I’d rather live with my Dad, if he hadn’t decided to move back to his hometown.
I pulled my legs up and out of the water, standing up. Shoes in one hand, I shoved my phone in to the pockets of my jeans. At least here I didn’t have to worry about all the drama that was happening back home. And here, no-one was interested in dance. It was all volleyball, fishing, swimming and skateboarding.

Seagulls squawked overheard, scavenging for scraps of food left behind from beach. I strolled down the pier, the hard wood digging into the soles of my bare feet.
Screams and cheers cut through the air, and I turned around to see four guys running down the pier after a football. It rolled, full speed ahead, towards me before deciding to veer off to the other side. Nethertheless Nevertheless, one of them runs into me, pushing me into the railings. I fling myself to the side to try and avoid the clash, but our bodies meet and I grab the wooden railings with both hands. The boy mutters a quick sorry, picking himself off the ground and dashing off back to his friends.

I bring one hand to my chest, feeling my heart beating inside as I try and calm myself down. The pier vibrates as there’s motion, and I look to my left to see a tall boy jogging up to me.
“I’m so sorry,” he calls, as he reaches me. “Are you okay?” I look at him from the sides of my eyes, still clutching my chest. He’s about six foot, and I can’t really make out his face very well because the setting sun creates a halo of light around his body, blacking out his face. I can tell he has dark hair, and it’s all messed up. His hands are on his hips as he tries to catch his breath.

“One of your friends?” I ask, my voice sounding out of place next to his Yankee accent. He nods, an apologetic smile on his face.
“They’re a pack of animals. I can’t take them anywhere.”
He leans his arms against the wooden railings, and I notice that while he’s relatively skinny, he’s also quite muscley hmmmmm made up word. There are tons of words in the English language. You don't have to make one up.; I can see the definition on his arms.
“I’m Sam,” he says, looking at me with a lazy smile. His gaze turns down to where the ocean is lapping against the wooden poles and his expression changes. “And I think that they may be your shoes.” He points down to the water, and I lean over the railings. A groan escapes my lips.

My gold ballet flats bob up and down in the water, clearly having a ball as the small waves push them further and further away from the pier.

“Shit,” I curse. I must of dropped them when the boy ran into me and I grabbed the railing. I already assumed this when I first read shoes. If I were you I wouldn't explain. I stomped my right foot in agitation, before realizing that I had company. Sam looked at me with an amused expression on his face.
“What? They were really expensive shoes!” I justified, before realizing that talking to a guy about shoes was as useful as telling an Englishman that England would win the World Cup. I sighed, pressing my head into the chipped wood of the railings, watching as my shoes continued their journey along the pier.

“Hold on,” Sam spoke. I tilted my head to look at him. He took off his shirt, stepping out of his own shoes before climbing around to the other side of the pier. I stood up straight.
“What are you doing?” I asked curiously If she knows what he is going to do why is she curious?, knowing full well what he was about to do. Sam smiled at me, his knees bent. All that kept him from falling into the water was his hands.
“You want your shoes, don’t you?” Sam questioned, and I nodded. The next second, he dived perfectly into the water with a splash. After a few seconds,You shouldn't repeat the word seconds. he came up for air, shaking the water out of his head.

“It’s freezing!” He laughed aloud, swimming over with long easy strokes to my shoes.
I broke out of my freeze, still a little gob smacked he’d dived into the ocean to get my shoes. Picking up Sam’s shoes and shirt, I ran down the pier, my feet slapping against the hard wood. Eventually I was on the beach, the cool sand sinking through my feet as I reached the water’s edge.

Sam was coming out of the water as I approached the lapping waves. The water swirled around my feet, washing away any of the sand that had stuck to my feet them. His was very fit, I realized, checking him out. As if on queue, he ran his hand through his hair, water droplets shaking out around him. I felt my cheeks go red - what was this place, a set of Baywatch or something? I looked down the beach, expecting to see Pamela Anderson and the Hoff running in slow motion along the sand.

“Your shoes,” Sam said, holding the flats out to me as he came to a stop :arrow: It doesn't add anything, and it makes you repeat the word "me" so take it out. in front of me.
I took them from his outstretched hands, our fingers brushing together.
“Thanks, Sam,” I think it sounds smoother just Sam. But, that is just my opinion. I said, handing him his own items of clothing stuff. I pushed this makes it sound like the sand is up to her knees! Maybe something like: I dragged my feet through the cool sand as we walked back up the pier together. my way through the sand as we walked back up the pier together. I was supposed to turn right, and he needed to go left, or so it seemed.

“I’ll see you around?” Sam asked, his shirt in his hand. I bit my lip. Romance was not on the cards for coming here, after everything that had happened back home, but I couldn’t resist answering him. Wait, romance? That word gives away a lot of your story line! We know it is going to be romance, but why be even more obvious than you have to be? :arrow: of course? You just made it sound like she was really reluctant because of something. Why would she say Of Course? Something like sure would fit the mood better
“Of course.”

I smiled and turned around, heading for my Dad’s house. Maybe this summer wouldn’t be so bad after all. Wait, I still don't know her name!


Overall, I think this is really great. But, it is well moving a bit fast. Does she have to meet the dude in the very first chapter? Well, probably .... Anyway I am very intrigued. A good sign! The worst part was that you changed tenses so much, besides that and the other little nitpicks it was great. Hope I helped,

A. S.




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Hey
Here as requested, thank you so very much. I really enjoyed this and would love it if you would PM when continuations are posted. I really hate it when I do this but: You have had some amazing reviews and most of what I have to say is redundant, but I would suggest re-reading your work a few times before posting. I know that helped me alot with the tenses problem. :idea:

Have an awesome day
Tiffany
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