Through the Telephone, Love

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As he stood there, he could not remember who he was. He could not remember where he'd grown up; his mother's face; his father's name. He could not remember where he'd gotten the scar on his left palm, or deciding that morning to wear the particular set of clothing he now bore. The city around him was an unknown jungle, full of hidden dangers and terrifying creatures. The glowing sunset out over the water might as well be the fire of Armageddon coming to sweep it all away; he would not know. He would not care.
Some mechanism in his mind had wiped clean everything but a set of memories, and those replayed over a thousand times each second, flashing before his eyes in cruelly exacting detail. They raged through his consciousness, consuming all else. When he breathed, he breathed her scent—her skin, her hair, her sweat—a hundred different days of her smell bathing his nasal passages. His tongue only tasted hers. His ears found no purchase on the slippery, frictionless sound of the outer world; their entire focus was her laugh, and three soft-whispered words. All that he did not know faded from his sight, and she was there, miraculous in her red bikini, stunning in her everyday clothing, and ravishing with naked, milky-smooth skin. His skin tingled, as if he might feel her, but tortuously, it only tingled. It was the grounding force to the mechanism—the hammer to drive home the truth he wanted nothing more than to reject. Their bodies would never touch again, her lips would never meet his—he would never cradle her against him, and feel the love and hormones coursing through his heart.
He began to laugh, a high, hysterical laugh, and he did not know he was making noise. His head was in his hands, and tears rolled down his cheeks, but a clear, maniacal laugh issued from his throat. The pedestrians glanced at him and hurried away, keeping a distance. None of them could understand. The peals of rollicking mirth found a hitch, and tugged up with them a sob, and the laughter dissolved into wretched bawling. He was on the ground, rocking back and forth, clenching his face, and the passerby seemed only to glance at him in disgust. He remembered dimly the sunset and wished that it could all be burnt away--that there was an end to this. But he knew that it could not, and he cried harder.
From the cell phone beside him on the ground, there was silence. At her seat, the nurse who had dialed his cell to inform him held the phone loosely to her ear, the other hand clamped over her mouth, the tears brimming from her eyes as she listened and only listened. The nurse behind her shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. She remembered her first call; she would never forget. Her hand slid over the young nurse's shoulder, failing to convey comfort, and she hurried away to tend to her patients.
On the other side of the line, she heard a break in the sobbing, and the microphone crackled as if being scraped along the ground, and for a moment there was whistling air, and then a splat, and then the line fell dead. She sat there, staring at the phone, holding the headset to her ear, trying to stop the flood of tears that he had passed to her through a telephone wire. After a very long time, she put the phone down, but the tears did not stop. They slowed to mere watering, but for the remaining hour of her shift, she was useless. The older nurse sent her home, and told her to rest.
On the drive home she ran two red lights. When she got home, she parked the car diagonally in the driveway, and sprinted to the front door. She tried to unlock the door but her fingers trembled so much she couldn't get the key into the lock, the world distorted by a sheen of tears, and finally she heard the deadbolt clack out of place, and the door opened to her husband. She wrapped herself around him and sobbed into his chest, and he wrapped himself around her right back, and, confused but loving, held her for several long minutes. After a while, he closed the door, led her over to the living room couch, and pulled her down to him, and held her, curled up in a little ball, and stroked her hair. As the sky grew dark, her sobbing subsided, and she just lay there, an occasional hiccough shaking her frame. Then, finally, she sat up, and buried her face in his neck, and breathed him in, and had never realized just how much she loved him, until this very moment. She burst into tears again, and clung to him like she would never let go, and he only held her and kissed her head and murmured into her ear that he loved her.
The man who had lost his wife would never know how he had changed the nurse's life; every day she would go home, and sit on her husband's lap, and tell him, softly, about all the people who had died that day. He would listen patiently, lovingly, with understanding. When she was done, he would kiss her on the forehead, and tell her she was the most wonderful person he had ever known, because she continued to care so much for all those people, even the ones she hadn't met. Even the ones she didn't like. Even the ones she hated. He loved her because she never ceased to love them. Every day he listened and marveled at her. How she took tragedy and learned from it love. How the world poured into her mind the terrible and she learned from it only to appreciate the wonderful. There was nothing more amazing to him. And sometimes when her shifts ran late, and he sat in the dark living room, wondering if maybe, just maybe, something had happened, he remembered how she took death and made it into life, and he knew that if she never came home, she would always be with him. As he sat there he knew that her love was the greatest gift he had ever been given.
And he knew that it was given in full only by the grace of death.

-----

Edited, taking into account cjscoot's review.
Last edited by TJEvans on Sat Jun 12, 2010 2:34 am, edited 2 times in total.




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Hey! Cassie here, I'm going to review for ya.
Okay...wow. I just finished reading your piece, and man, that was amazing. It gave me shivers. I love how you start off not knowing what's going on, but as the piece continues, you start to understand. You outlined this piece very nicely, giving the reader very few hints. Again, amazing!

Alright, let's review.

The glowing sunset out over the water might as well be the fire of Armageddon coming to sweep it all away; he could not know. He could not care.

Using 'could' there makes the piece flow a bit more easily.

Some mechanism (the word 'mechanism'here sounds a bit strange. Maybe try using a different word?) in his mind had wiped clean everything but a set of memories, and those replayed over a thousand times each second, flashing before his eyes in cruel, exact, detail.

With 'cruelly' and 'exacting', I don't think you need the -ly/-ing endings.

It was the grounding force to the mechanism—the hammer to drive home the truth he wanted nothing more than to reject.

Again, mechanism. I'm not liking that word.

He began to laugh, a high, hysterical laugh, and he did not know he was making noise.

You need a comma after 'high'.

The pedestrians glanced at him and hurried away, keeping a distance. None of them could understand.

Hmm....I think you need to elaborate more on this sentence. Try something like, 'None of the could understand, and none of them would probably ever understand.'

The peals of rollicking mirth found a hitch, and tugged up with them a sob, and the laughter dissolved into wretched bawling.

The word 'bawling' here sounds a bit off, like a small child having a temper tantrum. Try a different word.

He was on the ground,rocking back and forth, clenching his face, and the passerby seemed only to glance at him in disgust.

Comma after ground.

She tried to unlock the door but her fingers trembled so much she couldn't get the key into the lock, the world distorted by a sheen of tears, and finally she heard the deadbolt clack out of place, and the door opened to her husband.

This sentence is a bit long. Try to seperate it into different, smaller sentences.

As the sky grew dark, her sobbing subsided, and she just lay there, an occasional hiccough shaking her frame.

You don't really need 'just' there.

Then, finally, she sat up, and buried her face in his neck, and breathed him in, and had never realized just how much she loved him, until this very moment.

Try re-wording this sentence like this: 'She finally sat up, her face buried in his neck, breathing in his scent. Until this moment, she had never realized how much she loved him.'

The man who had lost his wife would never know how he had changed the nurse's life; every day she would go home, and sit on her husband's lap, and tell him, softly, about all the people who had died that day, and he would listen patiently, lovingly, with understanding, and when she was done, he would kiss her on the forehead, and tell her she was the most wonderful person he had ever known, because she continued to care so much for all those people, even the ones she hadn't met.

Okay...this scentence is way too long. You used the semi-colon, which is good, but after than you ramble on for a while, and, honestly, it's very hard to read. You need some pauses in there.

Every day he listened and marveled at her. How she took tragedy and learned from it love.

'How she took tragedy, and, from it, learned love.'

And sometimes when her shifts ran late, and he sat in the dark living room, wondering if maybe, just maybe, something had happened, he remembered how she took death and made it into life, and he knew that if she never came home, she would always be with him.

You don't need the 'and', and, again, it's a bit long. Think about taking out that second 'just maybe'. You're already getting your point across and you don't want to stretch it.

And as he sat there he knew that her love was the greatest gift he had ever been given.
And he knew that it was given in full only by the grace of death.

Again, you don't need those 'ands' at the begining of the sentences.

Very, very nice. Very touching. I really enjoyed this piece, you did an awesome job. The love of the husband at the end made the whole piece.
--Cassie :D
"You. Are. Not. Leaving. Me." Ian O'Shea, The Host.
Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeding the 20th.
Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path, and leave a trail.




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Thank you, cjscoot. I have taken what you have said under advisement, fixed some to your review, and left some how I had originally written it. Thank you very much for your assistance. ^.^




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Hey there! Much was covered in the previous critique, but I do have a few quibbles of my own. I'll get right to it.

Some mechanism in his mind had wiped clean everything but a set of memories, and those replayed over a thousand times each second, flashing before his eyes in cruelly exacting detail.

I also am not a fan of the use of "mechanism" here.

His skin tingled, as if he might feel her, but tortuously, it only tingled.

Not quire sure I get this sentence. His skin tingled, but it only tingled? Hmm. Also, tortuous means "twisting or winding." I think you mean torturous, which means "inflicting pain."

He began to laugh, a high, hysterical laugh, and he did not know he was making noise. His head was in his hands, and tears rolled down his cheeks, but a clear, maniacal laugh issued from his throat.

A little bit repetitive here. The second mention of the laughter is redunant. You can just cut it out, I think.

She wrapped herself around him and sobbed into his chest, and he wrapped himself around her right back, and, confused but loving, held her for several long minutes. After a while, he closed the door, led her over to the living room couch, and pulled her down to him, and held her, curled up in a little ball, and stroked her hair. As the sky grew dark, her sobbing subsided, and she just lay there, an occasional hiccough shaking her frame. Then, finally, she sat up, and buried her face in his neck, and breathed him in, and had never realized just how much she loved him, until this very moment. She burst into tears again, and clung to him like she would never let go, and he only held her and kissed her head and murmured into her ear that he loved her.

My issue with this paragraph is that it seems like an "and" joins so many different thoughts together into each sentence, and it almost feels like one long run-on, even though this is a grammatically correct paragraph. Perhaps work on the flow a bit and dividing the long sentences into smaller ones.

Overall, I liked this piece. You have some good word choice, and I liked how the perspective changed halfway through--it kept the story fresh, I thought. Just work on trimming down some of the unnecessarily long sentences, and you will have a stronger flow for your piece. I enjoyed reading it.
If I had wings, I would have opened them.
I would have risen from the ground.

-Mary Oliver



Chickens are honestly little dinosaurs. And they know it.
— ChieRynn