My Will

Ok so I just wrote this, I really don't know how it will go over, it's not very good.

To mom:
My stereo,
so you can drown out the sound
of yelling
like I always had to,
when you were mad.
~
My knife,
so you can take up the habit,
that I used
to erase the memories
of the slaps
that left my nose crimson.
~
The memories
of the comrades
you took away from me
just because you didn't like them.
~
And the memories
of the last time
I could have seen her,
she was like my own mother
and you didn't even let me say goodbye.
~
To dad:
The guitar
sitting in my closet
that never got used,
because you never
tried to teach me,
never cared to teach me.
~
The old games
sitting unused
in my room,
so you can play them
like you never did
with me,
because you were always
too tired
from useless tasks.
~
My love
because you couldn't afford
to spend this on me.
All I was
was ungrateful
I guess I didn't deserve it.
~
And finally
my heart,
because even though
it stopped beating
it still loved you,
whether you cared
or not.
~
Goodbye

Hey there Flower!

I was going to quote this and give you a full length critique, but reading it I think it's truly brilliant. Hence the fact I have no changes, just some suggestions. However, I'll tell you them in a smidgen!

Firstly, the way you start it was a bit iffy but after a few lines it became very clear, fluent and very, very individual. To me, you definitely painted a picture of experience and it was brilliantly portrayed in how you reflected it by having the voice give the things that the Mother did give or not give the things the mother didn't. It's almost like some revenge, but it isn't. It's dark and emotional and the reader empaphises with you, feels what I'm assuming you felt when you wrote the poem. It's also beautifully punctuated, which I think is rare for a piece of poetry.

Though, this brings me onto some suggestions to refine this from extroadinary to perfect! Right'o, here we go...

Firstly, I'd suggest structuring it for purpose. At the moment it is structured excellently for fluency, but perhaps there might be a way in which you could bend the line length to give things more impact. Perhaps add in some one-word lines to really put an emphasis on them. Such as "cared". Another thing maybe to extend the lines of somethings by merging to lines, as if to dwell on it more and make the reader think further, no?

Secondly, despite your ending being flawless, your start wasn't as engaging as I feel it could've been. I think you should definitely keep the "To mom" bit, but perhaps add in a small, and I mean small (3 lines max), almost intro-stanza so that the reader is engaged, by the, i don't know, a piece of colourful vocab or emotive language. However, be careful to keep it in the same style as the rest of the poem because that'll keep the individual factor this thrives in!

I hope this helped, this was very good work.
Keep writing,
Ben

Hello there Flowerchild
So, it turns out that I really loved this poem. It was creative the way you addressed different aspects of you memories to your parents, loved that.

And finally
my heart,
because even though
it stopped beating
it still loved you,
whether you cared
or not.

In this stanza, if it were up to me, I would have left out "And finally" and started with "My heart" because I was liking the consistency of the "My something" at the beginning of each stanza.
That's about the only problem I had.
Good job
Ziggie

I have oooonnnnee nitpick:)

Flower~Child wrote:The old games
sitting unused
in my room,
so you can play them
like you never did
with me,
because you were always
to tired
from useless tasks.

"To" should be too

Erm, other than that, I thought this was good! I'm looking forward to reading more of your writing!

<3,
Fixed:)

Hey christy, one thing I don't like is the repitition of memories in your 3rd and 4th stanzas, it seems off to me, like there's not enough words inbetween, but other than that, I liked it.

This is something that obviously has a lot of emotion tied to it, which I like. It makes it more intense and interesting for the reader, and you have done a good job of pulling us in.

A couple things that I noticed right off the bat:

Some of the word choice is a little bit simplified, and I think it would be a good idea to amp it up just a little bit. You have shown that you have an ability with words, certainly, and I think you would be well-served by extending that mastery to the rest of your poem to make it more vivid.

that I used/to erase

This tripped me up a little, because of the pairing here of 'used' and 'to.' It made me think "used to" (as in, to be accustomed to) and I had to read it several times over to make sure I was getting it right.

of the comrades

This seems stilted to me. It's not a natural word choice, here.

Otherwise, this is very nice!!!

i like this poem you put alot of emotion into it its really good but also very sad i about cried the first time i read it at your house lol if you didnt notice anyway keep up the good work on your poetry its awesome and now im off to review stephaines poems and it might take awhile she writes reallllyy looooonnng ones

Hey Flower.

I'm just a bit late getting to this. Sorry about that.

This poem was enjoyable, and I liked the way you showed how much people hurt by giving them your ways of coping with their bad behaviour.

But I found myself resenting how obvious everything was. It's the whole point of the poem, but it's so obvious I found myself a bit detached. Once you got into your father's comments I got into it more, but the mother's comments sound a bit too angsty. There is some explanation as to why the narrator is like this, but I find it a bit thin. And obvious, as mentioned before.

There also seems to be a lot of backstory behind the fourth and fifth stanzas. This need for backstory is fine if the note was just between a group of people, but for the general public who don't know the backstory it can be hard to understand the poem because we don't really know what went on in the past. It's an easy enough scenario to imagine, I suppose, but there's the question of why the mother pulled her child away from those people. It makes the mother lack characterization and the setting just a bit blank. The rest of the stanzas have enough backstory for them to be understandable, but

I'm struggling to find things to comment on past that. This poem is clever and cutting to anybody who would be reading it, but as an actual poem... I'm not sure about it. The whole poem reads as blunt. It's a good read and flows along pretty nicely, but I'm not sure how much of a poem it is, or how much I like it. Past the two stanzas I mentioned, this was alright.

Hope this helped! PM me if you have any comments.

~Rosey

I love how much emotion you put into each stanza. Each one was concise but conveyed the message well. I really enjoyed it. Im just learning how to review or this would have been longer and somewhat helpful to you.

Keep it up! as the old cliche goes.

ashlyn