Silently Spoken

I couldn't get the name out of my head for this story, or the story, so I want to know if I should finish it!

Thanks!

Ellie:
Josh? Oh… there’s a lot I can say about him. Let me put it this way:
Why is it that his face is so flawless? His full smooth lips, wide melted-chocolate-brown eyes, breath taking smile, and those lovely messy curly black locks of hair that hang over his face perfectly. And sure, his body wasn’t the most muscular, but the way his arms could take me in and make every single worry, every little thing, and make it seem like it would be okay made everything else worth it. He’s silly and goofy, he laughs at the smallest dirty remark, and so do I. When he smiles, I’m but I manage to smile back. When he laughs that incredibly goofy laugh, I laugh too. We’re always silently communicating with our own little gestures no one knows what they mean – we live in our own little world.
I’ve known him for four years – and I’ve had a crush on him for four years, and I’ve loved him for one. I knew loves me and I love him; neither of us spoke the words; but they simply don’t need to be spoken.

Josh:
Ellie is a hard person to describe with just a few words, so excuse me if I ramble.
She’s always laughing about something, and her smile brightens up a room – and when she walks into a room you’ll notice her.
She has a little longer than shoulder length brown\red hair… but she’s constantly changing the color of it. Her lips are full, always smooth, and a peachy pink. She has a body like a model… or at least I think she does, but she argues about that. Her voice is smooth, and every single word just sounds better when she says it, especially my name. When I hold her, her body moulds perfectly to mine, her skin is always smooth, and she’s always just a bit seductive. I love how she always knows what I’m thinking, and we’ll bust out laughing in total silence without talking.
She’s a total klutz, and I love her for it. I love her for every single part of her… and if I ever lost her I don’t know what I’d do.
This girl is my everything.

This is really nice you should continue writing. Definitely. I want to read more! Please!

Hi LiveScreamWriting.

First off, about you finishing, if you want to finish, do it! Don't leave it up to everyone else. Whenever you write something, it should be about what's inside YOU, and people can just give suggestions. When it comes to finishing something or abandoning it, it should be your choice. So, to answer that question, I'll ask you another one. Is finishing it something you want to do? If the answer is yes, then yes.

The first impression I have is that we don't know much about any plot that's there. I mean, you show two people that we know a little about just describing each other and mentioning that they love each other. But what's the plot? Are they going to elope against the parents' wishes? Get abducted by aliens? Is it about their history? In order to keep a reader focused on your story, you need a plot. We like plots. Now it doesn't have to be the entire thing in one go, but there should at least be something that lets us know that something is about to happen.

Right now, the whole thing is a large info-dump. Or two character profiles, or something. Info dumps are rarely a good thing. So take these characters and put them in a situation. About their appearance--I don't mind what they look like, nor do I care to know, in a span of five minutes, everything about them. You can slip in hints about what they look like in lines of action peppered throughout the story so that it's easier to digest. i.e., "His black curls bounced as he laughed..." or something. Okay, I know that Josh has curly, black hair, without being sat down and told point blank in the beginning.

The only nitpicky thing I can think of is that you had a few run-on sentences; be careful of those when you re-write. They sneak up on you. (No worries, they sneak up on me too. )

Personally, I think you should keep going with it. It'll help you develop your writing, entertain you, make you think, and imagine how proud you'll be of yourself when you finish.

So just try taking these characters, giving them a plot, and go with it.

Hope this helped!

Hello, my name is Kiara and I will be critiquing your work here.

Oh… there’s a lot I can say about him.

The underlined bit serves no purpose.

Why is it that his face is so flawless?

Whenever someone is described as "Perfect" or "Flawless" in a written piece, I find it to be unbelievable, and that the narrator is simply naive. It is possible for someone to crush/fancy another without seeing them as the most perfect looking being on the planet. I feel like that knowledge has been lost after Stephanie Meyer introduced Twilight to the world...

but the way his arms could take me in and make every single worry, every little thing, and make it seem like it would be okay, made everything else worth it.

This bit is better without the underlined part, also a comma should be placed where the red one is.

He’s silly and goofy, he laughs at the smallest dirty remark, and so do I.

Now, you could fix this two different ways. It could be "He's silly and goofy. He laughs at the smallest dirty remarks, as do I," or "He's silly and goofy; he laughs at the smallest dirty remarks, as do I."

When he smiles, I’m but I manage to smile back.

There's a missing adjective here.

When he laughs that incredibly goofy laugh, I laugh too.

This was kind of already mentioned. How he would laugh and then she would laugh. This is redundant.

We’re always silently communicating with our own little gestures. No one knows what they mean. We live in our own little world.

I’ve known and have had a crush on him for four years, and have been in love with him for one.

I had to really fix that one up.

I knew loves me and I love him; neither of us spoke the words; but they simply don’t need to be spoken.

This entire part isn't needed.

Ellie is a hard person to describe with just a few words, so excuse me if I ramble.

Oh, God. Rambling may be okay if in quotations and in spoken words of a character to give indirect characterization, but never in written text or the actual writing of the story.

She’s always laughing about something, and her smile brightens up a room – and when she walks into a room you’ll notice her.

Again with the mentioning of their laughter. Not needed to be reminded once more. Also, I hope you know that hyphen you're using for punctuation isn't used correctly, so try not to use it like that anymore. "Her smile brightens up a room; when she walks inside, you'll notice her" would make a much better sentence.

She has a little longer than shoulder length brown\red hair… but she’s constantly changing the color of it.

Is this necessary?

Her lips are full, always smooth...

Hmmm, that's funny. That is actually the same adjective his girlfriend uses to describe her lips. Try other synonyms if they have similar physical features. This is just sounding very redundant and cliche.

Overall: I find it extremely cliche and there is no depth. I understand that the characters love each other, but we still barely know the people, they are very one-dimensional, and that makes it hard to hold feelings toward fictional characters.

If you start a project that means something to you, go with it and forget every one's opinions. This is your story, or "info-dump", as Vanadis puts it.

To me, this seems like something I would read on the back of a book. If it had a sentence or two at the end that gave it a direction, I would definitely say it is a description.

I like the way you write. Even though I suggested you ignore other people's opinion, I think you should start to write and finish it. I would, even if just to see where it goes.

bookcase93 wrote:If you start a project that means something to you, go with it and forget every one's opinions. This is your story, or "info-dump", as Vanadis puts it.

To me, this seems like something I would read on the back of a book. If it had a sentence or two at the end that gave it a direction, I would definitely say it is a description.

I like the way you write. Even though I suggested you ignore other people's opinion, I think you should start to write and finish it. I would, even if just to see where it goes.

I agree, only to a certain degree. If people only wrote without caring for other's opinions, writers would never get better and fix simple mistakes. I'm sure JK Rowling's, Charles Dicken's, and even Shakespeare's work were never the best right from the beginning. Also, gathering opinions and critiques is what this entire forum is based upon, even when the opinions aren't what the writer would like to hear.

Oh well forget the criticisms.
You said that you couldn't get it out of your head, so just work on it and continue writing.
Just get the idea out of your head and then think about improving and editing.
I would strongly recommend continuing what you left.

And I like what you wrote, though I wouldn't say that it was 'flawless'.
But I focus more on the idea and jest of stories and I liked what you are trying to say though it's not something fabulous or extraordinary until now.
And I connected to it more because I have a best friend whom I love ( we broke up by the way); when I read the boy's paragraph it seemed to me as if I myself was speaking those words.
So for me it was nice enough, but you should definitely heed to the advice of all the other people (critics as they say) as they are right.
Hope I encouraged you