Like A Mirror

I look at the soul beneath me
broken, bloodied,
and beaten.

His eyes are like mine,
hungry, and unrelenting.

The skeleton he is reminds me of days past.
Dwelling in pits of my own filth
Hoping one day someone would set me free.

Those were only wishes,
and for years I was a pitiful sight.
A horrible creature living as a
pariah from the light,
from others.

Like he with no strength,
nor will to move
I called for salvation
I screeched for someone to help me.
But no one came.

Now I reach for him,
trying to break the cycle,
to be the first to succeed.

So desperate was he for protection
he built the walls so high.
Now he cries for freedom,
His moans his own torture.
The scorn he once felt by our hands
he now feels by his own words.

I call back.
My hand reaching
extending until I could
no longer move.

I cry for him to jump,
to try and find my hand.

He is lost, mad.
I can no longer help him,
so I cry, I weep for my brother.
My blood.

He still calls for liberation.
But none will come.
Those vain whimpers,
That tear-less crying
only makes him uglier.

I look into that pit and see myself.
I was that dog,
that lost animal wailing to be fed.

I can do nothing now but hope he
will find his way as I did.
I can only hope his mind will
one day grow tired of the screams that
torture him.

I can only walk away now,
my head buried in my hands,
for our line has broken.
And only he can free himself.

Hey there! So, I'm here to hopefully give you a review that is more to your liking - although it probably won't be filled with compliment worshiping ness.

This poem leaves me asking a lot of questions. Why is the soul broken, bloodied, and beaten? What caused it? Where is the strength, the will? What happened to make him so afraid of everything? What is the "prison" he created for himself? Why did he make it, what is he keeping out, or keeping in? Protection from what? And, finally: what makes the new speaker any different from this old person the speaker is talking about?

My main point: you're not getting much across. You're telling a lot about that person, but all vague and meaningless in context. They're broken, they're afraid, they've put themselves in a prison. But what does it matter to me, the reader? If I don't know the reasons why the person did this, if I cannot relate to what this person is feeling, your poem isn't going to make me feel anything. I'm not going to think anything about it, I'm not going to react.

You've got more of a poem skeleton here than an actual poem. There's a lot missing. First off, show us what is going on, don't just tell us. Pull us into the poem with all your might, and let us feel the emotions. Step outside the your box and think about the reader. What do you want to make the reader feel? What do you want to make them think? How should they react to this poem? Do we want to love, hate, or feel sorry for the person being spoken about? It's all up to you. Second: actually write a poem. That might sound strange, but I'm being honest. Don't just write - write a poem. Use poetic devices such as imagery, simile, metaphor, or symbolism to paint a picture - not just a list of words that describe somebody. Paint something, paint all the feelings, all the ideas that you're trying to express. It's hard, at first, but well worth it in the end when a good poem has been created.

The best advice I can give you would be to read more poetry. You don't necessarily need to crack open a book to read poetry. Read poetry on YWS and read the reviews along with it. Hunt out the good poets and see what people have to say about their writing. (I will not claim to be good at poetry, but I will say I've been writing poetry successfully for several years.) Think about the poems. Do they make you feel anything? If so, how do you feel? What did the poet do to make you feel this? Was it specific words they used, or maybe a metaphor? The more often you learn to recognize this in other writer's poems, the easier it will be for you to reproduce it in your own writing.

Best of luck, and if there have been any issues with the review I have given, please send me a PM and I'll see if I might be able to better assist you differently.

Thanks. Not out of any disrespect but did you see what I wrote at the bottom. I've worked this poem over since I posted. I'll revise soon. I meant this to be a skeleton, as when i read it the first draft was not very good. And i do read a lot of poetry. Thanks for the comment.

So, back for seconds as you requested. I'd just like to say first of all, not as a moderator but as a member of this site, I believe people shouldn't post anything until they've spent a good amount of time on it and gotten it to the peak of their writing abilities. If you don't want an honest review on a "skeleton" of a poem, don't post it. But, that's unimportant to this new review, merely my reply to your comment, and you may want to consider it the next time you post.

Now, to the revision. You do have some new, good language in this.

I was that dog,
that lost animal wailing to be fed.

Those are probably the best lines in the whole poem. So, props for adding some good images.

However, and I'm sure you ain't gunna like this, a lot of what I said in the previous review still holds. You still tell, and you don't explain why. I can understand the poem a lot better now. I see that the speaker sees someone in the selfsame pain he had once experienced, and he wants to help him, but he can't. So, good job, props, I can understand what's going on now. Seriously - improvement. But I still want to know why things are happening so I can relate.

Why does he build walls? What is he protecting himself from? What reason does the speaker have for caring about this other person? What is their relation?

Another thing that stuck out to me in the rewrite is that this is longer. It seemed more like you added to the poem than actually editing it. Poetry is a difficult thing because every word needs to have significance, it needs to be chosen specifically and to serve a purpose. I feel like, by merely adding words, you didn't get to the core of what you're wanting to say. Try to cut stuff out, and really get to the meat of your poem. Use as few words as you can to express the same emotion, and you'll come out better in the end. Use the most powerful words you can think of. Your reader will thank you.

Hope that helps!

It does. I see what your saying with the whole why thing. I looked back at my "revision". I actually deleted the last half of it off, and rewrote it. Thanks for that. I'm looking back at why he built the walls. Thanks. I'll pm you again when I'm done with this revision.