A Mind's Revenge

The wind whips my back as I walk this path.
My feet bleed
My back bleeds

When will this nightmare end?
When will this terror I have created
come to a halt?

I walk further and the wind beats me harder,
The earth beneath my feet grab at my ankles
trying to drag me back to what I was.

My heart has hardened in this place,
my mind has been lost.

I walk this lonely path,
it broken like me.
There is no end to this hell
So I walk , I crawl,
and beg.
Never to be heard.


I just randomly thought of this. Tell me what you think of the first draft. I probably have to expand this idea a little bit more.

Hmm...It's probably just me, but this poem sounds like it was written by a zombie (that's not meant to be an insult or anything, that's just what I feel)!

What got me on tha train of thought were these lines:

"The earth beneath my feet grab at my ankles
trying to drag me back to what I was."

Trying to drag me back to what I was...hmm. If the earth wants this person back, and he was once with the earth, then...I don't know where I'm going with this part

Anyways, for being written off the top of your head, very nice! I would like to see what finished project comes out of such a promising first draft!

Yes it does seem to be written by a zombie. I totally agree, especially given the title. "A Mind's Revenge". Does that not sound like something a zombie would be . Than you for your comment. I appreciate it.

Hi, Dante! I'm June, your reviewer for the moment.

As with any piece of writing, you've room for improvement in this poem. This is the type of poem that has all of the right reasons to be dramatic, dear, and I think you can make this poem shine with a few improvements.

• You have a lot of points of imagery here. For instance, the wind whipping, back bleeding, grabbing at ankles -- make these images come to life with metaphors and make them stand up on their own. Elaborate and describe each and every one of these -- someone once told me that a good poem test for your own work is to remove the line breaks and see how it reads. If it reads like a paragraph, you're not pulling enough creativity. Check, and double check through your poetry, dear. Poetry's not just about telling the story, it's about using the words as if they're yours and giving your audience a new outlook on what you're saying.

• I personally am not a fan of the raising of questions in poetry, especially not hypothetical ones, unless the answer is given or implied later on. For me, that's because it's asking too much of the audience, dear; think of your audience as a body who will absorb what you say and think of it as one of two ways: good or bad. Your sole purpose is make your impression on your audience phenomenal, so that they'll be given something to think about when they walk away from your work. If asking questions gets you there, then you're doing something amazingly right, but you want your audience to ask the questions that your poem can answer.

• Lastly! (I know, I ramble ) Run through this again, and see if you can cut back on the narrative bits of the poem that make this sound like a story -- I'm all for style and what not, and personally, I find it amazing when people can execute a story without using all of the extra "I do this" bits and such.

You have potential with this -- a good base to build from. But, you know, sometimes, it's like baking a cake; you might have to cut down the rough edges and ice it over, but the taste of it is what matters. Nice work.

Keep writing, dante! I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

June

Thanks Juniper for your comment. I am reworking this poem right now actually. I did not get a chance to look at it last night, but I will repost later when I am finished. I see what you mean to expound on the imagery, and create more metaphors within my work. I am going to keep the question(s) in there though (I forgot how many I put because this is the first time I looked at this in a few hours, been distracted with my novel). I will elaborate on the questions, and I've worked the idea of adding another character in the poem. Again thanks, and I will post in a few hours once I finish giving it the attention it deserves.