A Promise is a Death Threat [edited]

4 posts
Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1308
Reviews 4
Some might say he was handsome, gorgeous even, but when his eyes fell on mine, locking in place like they belonged there, it felt like ice water was being poured on my body. My breath stopped for a moment and sounds around me of people chattting became muffled. The air seemed chillier as he made his way closer. Maybe he was the Grim Reaper, coming to get me, bring me to hell or something. I was sitting, staring straight back, my body not moving an inch, not sure what to do. His voice was deep and cold, and when it entered my ears and registered in my mind I couldn’t help but think something was off. “Are you Summer Wright?” He asked. I was caught off guard. For a moment I thought he was just a man wanting to hit on me, but he knew my name. What else did he know?

I caught my breath and everything went back to normal, my vision returned, and my thoughts rearranged themselves. His question finally got to me, and I stood up, my book in hand. “Um, yes I am Summer Wright. Should I know you or something?” I asked; a puzzled expression on my face and my free hand clenched in my pocket. He looked about 23, and his suit said he meant business. The man’s perfectly sculpted face contorted to a look of realization, “Forgive my rudeness, my name is Anthony Bassani.” His name sent a ping deep in my gut, almost warning me to stay away. I ignored the warning and returned to the awkward conversation.

My heart was confused and beating abnormally fast as he placed his hand out in front of him, waiting for a handshake. When our hands touched my head filled with memories foreign to me. A large man in a black suit was bleeding on the floor of some apartment I’ve never seen. And a shorter but yet still strong looking man stood above him holding a gun, a smirk on his lips. Then that memory faded a new one began, then more after that, only in a few seconds did this all happen. And as soon as his hand left mine, they were gone. Only fragments of them stayed lodged in my mind somewhere, and yet they were smothered, like something that happened a long time ago, still in the back of my memory.

Before I go on, know this: Although the memories seemed like they were gone, the experience was traumatizing to say the least. Although if I showed emotion or ran away, I’m not sure what would happen to me. He found me once he could find me again, easily. Out of all the places I could go, I chose this place, and I’ve never even been here before. Here I was sitting by myself in a brand new bookstore, and Anthony found me. Imagine how long he’s been observing me for, or if by coincidence he found me here, although that sounds a tad unrealistic.

The man smiled at me; like he knew something I didn’t and put his hand in his pocket. “No I hope not. I worked for your father before he died two years ago. I need to ask you a few questions about your father.” We both sat down at the small table next to us, facing each other. I felt like I was under interrogation, well technically I was. “Recently, your father’s, uh, company has been having a few problems with employees. See after your father’s death, the company has been falling to pieces bit by bit. I was your father’s right hand man you could say, so naturally when he died, I took over the company. We work against many terrible people who all want good people like us dead. So I need your help Summer” I sat there for a moment, wondering how he found me.

I hadn’t talked to my father since I turned 16; in fact his work was the thing that made my mother leave him that day. In fact I remember his exact words he said to my face the night after my “Sweet 16”. He was wearing his work clothes, suit and tie sort of attire, although a large blood stain seeping through his white suit shirt. Me and my mother were in the kitchen when he walked in, only showing up then, never once did he say happy birthday to me that day. He sauntered in; the loss of blood was probably making him a bit woozy. “Benjamin Wright, where have you been, and why are you bleeding?!” My mother shouted running up to him, placing her hand on top of his placed on the wound. “Work, and that’s all you girls need to know. I might need to leave town for a while, find a hotel away from here, and get to a doctor maybe. You girls don’t worry about me.” My mother’s scowl was of the most intensity, she flung her free hand at his face, placing a nice red hand mark right on his cheek.

He didn’t do anything; he took whatever she gave him, the hits, the shouting. He knew if he tried anything, it would make things worse. Sadly all I did was cry and run away to my friend’s house, I was scared and angry at both of them. I stayed over there, secretly and when I got back the next day, I found my mother asleep on the couch, and not a trace of my father. I never saw him after that night. My mother told me she had told him to leave, and never come back. I told myself to never think about him again, not like he loved me that much. He never once told me that anyways, not once did he say those three bull crap words. Well enough of my pity party let me explain some things.

My name is Summer Lillian Wright. I’m nineteen and in searching for a college right for me. I live in an apartment with my best friend Jenny Lopez. I used to live in Ohio with my two brothers, my mother, and my now recently dead father. His job was to kill people pretty much. So naturally, it ended. The marriage, the family, it all ended. Me, my brothers and my mom moved to California, and that’s where I’ve stayed. I don’t want fame, I don’t want danger. I want to live my life and find someone special some day, maybe have some kids. So what you are about to hear is going to switch my world around and flip it inside out.

Anthony was staring intently into my eyes, as mine dashed about; trying to understand what was going on. “Wait, what the hell are you talking about, you need my help with what?!” I asked a bit louder than I wanted it to be, he placed his finger over his pursed lips, signaling me to be quiet. I took a long breath in and out and stared at Anthony with anger in my eyes. He rolled his eyes slightly and placed both of his hands on the table, palms down. He pulled his face closer so that I could only hear. “The terrible people I’m talking about killed your father. And now I need your help. They are here, in America killing innocent people. You are the only one; your father must have passed down some sort of fighting skills or maybe his cunningness. I don’t know. But what I do know is that, those people need you, America needs you, and I need you. So come with me” His words were quick and practically silent. But I registered every word that came out of his perfect lips.

Anthony stood up briskly, getting a grip on my arm and pulling me with him. He passed through book shelves and people, who gave odd looks. As we got near the exit I stopped and pulled away. “Stop, what do you think you’re doing? I haven’t talked to my dad in years, and now you’re telling me that some crazy people killed him?! I could care less that my father is dead. Plus, I can’t save people; I barely know how to work a coffee maker!” I shouted at him I began to storm off, but he had me in a tight grip around the waist, picking me off the floor a bit.

I didn’t understand what was happening, but there was no way Anthony was letting me get away from this. He threw me into the passenger seat of his black corvette. The air in the car was clean and scented with lavender. The car was spotless, no dirt, mud. No trash anywhere, it looked like he just bought it today. He hopped in next to me, as I glared at him, probably looking just like my mother. He revved the engine and pulled out of his parking spot in the back of the book store. He zoomed onto the highway, headed towards San Francisco. I sighed and beat my seat belt on, seeing how I was going anywhere anytime soon. My hands were sweaty so I wiped them on my jeans.

You could feel the tension between me and Anthony. He glanced at me quickly and then went back to driving silently. He was the first to break the silence. “Summer, I’m sorry. But you’re the only person I could think of finding for this.” He said quietly. “Whoa Whoa, how long have you been looking for me?” I asked curiously. “For about a month now, I finally found you last week, and I’ve been monitoring where you’ve been.” I scowled at him. “You’ve been freaking stalking me?! You creep! Ugh!” I threw my hands up and let them fall on my lap. He sighed and rubbed his face quickly. “Look, you’ll understand soon enough why I went to the lengths I did to find you.” At that, we both shut up. As the car hummed and revved every so often, I wondered how the hell I got into this. This is a story to tell the kids.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4134
Reviews 61
Hello and welcome to YWS! I hope you fall in love with this website as much as I have.
I like this story, but they are quite a few mistakes and nit-picks that are just bugging me.
I hope you won't be discouraged or angry with my review, remember I am only trying to help and give my honest humble opinion. :D


“Are you Summer Wright?” he asked. Yes, it's a weird grammatical law we all must live by. I don't understand it, but that is how it works. Whenever you have a quotation:
"Hello" he said. (Or '"Hello" she said.") The he/she/they/we must be in small caps.
It's hard to explain, even when you don't understand. Heheh.


“Summer, I’m sorry. But you’re the only person I could think of finding for this,he said quietly. Same thing here. It's so hard for me to explain, darling. 'Cause not even I know...



He looked about twenty-three, and his suit said he meant business. Ok first off, numbers must be written out. Second, When you say "his suit said he meant business" You might want to re-phrase it, it could confuse the reader, you know... His suit spoke? What?


I hadn’t talked to my father since I turned 16... Remember, write out those numbers. ;)



Me and my mother were in the kitchen when he walked in, only showing up then, never once did he say happy birthday to me that day. So, your MC probably does not have the greatest grammar. But that sentence should start with 'My mother and I were...' NOT 'Me and my mother were...'


Me, my brothers and my mom moved to California, and that’s where I’ve stayed.Same instance here.


You could feel the tension between me and Anthony. And here. ;)


I sighed and beat (buckled) my seat-belt on, seeing how I was going anywhere anytime soon.




Nit Picks:

Anthony stood up briskly, getting a grip on my arm and pulling me with him. He passed through book shelves and people, who gave odd looks. As we got near the exit I stopped and pulled away. “Stop, what do you think you’re doing? I haven’t talked to my dad in years, and now you’re telling me that some crazy people killed him?! I could care less that my father is dead. Plus, I can’t save people; I barely know how to work a coffee maker!” I shouted at him I began to storm off, but he had me in a tight grip around the waist, picking me off the floor a bit. Eeek! If someone shouted something like that, I'd freak out. Try showing a little bit more of the innocent by-standers reaction around your characters.



I didn’t understand what was happening, but there was no way Anthony was letting me get away from this. He threw me into the passenger seat of his black corvette. Ok, now I (by-stander) would really freak out! If I saw some man dragging a young woman into his car, I'd beat the living heck out of him (or at least try)!
Star light; star bright,
It is time to take flight.
Off I go through the dark of night.
All my hopes and dreams in sight.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 4562
Reviews 36
This is my first fiction review, so please excuse me if I don't hit on something!

Firstly, I found this interesting. Not perfect-- but interesting, so good job there. You definetely have a plot that makes the reader want to find out more.

I noticed that a lot of times you don't start a new pararaph when a different person is talking or when someone starts speaking, such as in the first paragrap. This is OK occasionally, but when done repeatedly in a short amount of text it is a little annoying. Also, breaking up paragraphs makes things easier to read, especially on a computer screen.

Second, in paragraph 5, when Anthony is telling Summer about her father's company, he keeps saying "your father". Please, put in "he" instead at least once or twice. It's bovious who you're talking about.

My last problem is with Summer's character. As LittlePetRock said, she doesn't seem to react much. Sure, one little hissy fit--but that doesn't do anything for how she sees other people's memories/visions (!!) and doesn't say a thing. If you were Summer, what would you do? Gasp, step back, maybe slap Anthony's hand away? Also, you have lines like "my heart wa confused" I think you're trying to sound lyrical, but it just sounds weird. Portray her inner struggle. Most people don't flat-out say how they're feeling, you have to show it.
[url]thelibrarygirl.blogspot.com[/url] Everything Weird Happens at the Library




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 10691
Reviews 111
I like it a lot actually and find myself wanting to read more.
I believe that the best way to get a reader to enjoy your work is to get them hooked as soon as the piece permits and that what you have done great work!
However there are a few bumps I would advise a bit of revising and editing!
Again I say nice job and keep it up!
-Dawn
C.Mejia



Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
— Dr. Seuss