The Ringbearers - Chapter 2

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Emily froze like a deer caught in headlights. Time slowed down and the click, click, click of heels seemed to echo as they drew nearer. Mrs. Creevey appeared in the doorway holding a shaking, purple Twinkles. Every line in her face was turned down in a scowl.

“What did you do to this dog?” she asked, voice higher than usual. She hugged Twinkles to her chest protectively while glaring down at Emily, who was at least a foot shorter than her.

As time regained itself Emily said, “I-I… no-nothing. I mean, I’m not sure…. I mean….” Mrs. Creevey’s intimidating form continued to stare at Emily, waiting for an acceptable answer. “I don’t know,” Emily said quietly, looking down.

“What do you mean ‘I don’t know’?” Mrs. Creevey asked incredulously. “How can you not know?”

“I mean, I don’t know how… I didn’t do it on purpose--”

“How can you not do this on purpose?” Mrs. Creevey yelled so loudly she spat. Her face turned a horrible red. “You shaved and dyed my dog! You’re trying to tell me you did this on accident?”

“Um… yes?” Emily looked up with sheepish false hope written on her face.

“Go to your room,” Mrs. Creevey said in a voice that would send shivers up the Grim Reaper’s spine.

“But--”

“Just go!”

Emily thought it best not to press. Being sent to her room was not the worst punishment she could receive, though she doubted it would be her only one.

She had made it up but a few steps when she heard a voice.

“Wait,” Mrs. Creevey called after her. Emily turned. “Take a shower. You’re disgusting.”

Because of your stupid pets, Emily thought as she ascended onto the landing at the top.

Once she got a change of clothes and was standing in front of the bathroom she saw that Mrs. Creevey was right, however. Her hair was still half wet, and where it was dry it was matted. Little bits stuck up every which way and the soap residue from the mop water had crusted onto her hair, leaving her with an even more unruly mess than usual. And that was saying something.

Fifteen minutes later she emerged from the steaming shower, towel dried, and stepped into fresh clothing. She didn’t look much better though. Her dark, usually untamable, curly hair hung limp in sopping, strangled ringlets. That, with her large, almost black, baby doll eyes, gave her a pathetic air, as well as making her look several years younger.

Emily stared at her face in the mirror, and the drained, worn look she had seen so many times before. She looked hard and saw the same scared child she had been, back before she even realized what was happening, but had gotten yelled at about it anyways.

She reflected on her childhood, the inconsistency of it. Moving around month after month, rarely staying longer, but often shorter. Never having time to make a true friend, never getting settled. Being constantly uprooted, experiencing culture shock after culture shock. She suddenly had the urge to cry.

Emily ran into her room, her dirty clothes left in a forgotten pile on the bathroom floor. She plopped down onto her bed, her face down onto her pillow, where tears we collecting. She couldn’t keep going on like that; sadness was dangerous in and of itself, being such a strong emotion. She needed an outlet of some sort. And then a light bulb went off in her head; the journal!

Emily snatched it off the nightstand and pulled the latch. It stuck. She tried again. And again. And again. It didn’t give.

She shouldn’t have been surprised, really. She had the journal since before her memories began. She thought that her parents gave it to her when she was really little, but she had no actual memory of that. It had just always been there. It was one of the few things that she took with her once her parents died. Why, she had absolutely no idea.

Because something was broken with it. For years, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get it open. Until last night. Emily was feeling sad, so she tried again, with no actual hope that she would succeed. She was amazed when she did.

How ignorant she had been to think that it would open again just because it had the night before. Frustrated, she threw the journal against the wall.

Anger equaled an emotion, a strong one at that. Emotions equaled just another inexplicable incident. What else was new? Hmm…. How about a picture of the Energizer Bunny melted onto the wall where the journal hit it?

“Well that’s a first,” Emily said dryly. Just another thing she was going to get yelled at for.

Tears leaked down her face as she wrapped her arms around her legs, pulling them closer. Peering over he knees she saw the glint of her ring on her finger. Suddenly all of the love, any sort of connection she had with it, it all vanished and in it’s place stood rage, pure, unadulterated rage.

Emily yanked off the ring and hurled it as hard as she could at the journal. She could hear the tiny clink when it hit the journal’s metal lock. Then it fell over. Not the ring, the lock. It opened.

For a minute Emily stared at the flopped-over lock, not quite believing what she had just seen. Then she got up. She walked over to it, picked it up in two unsure fingers, and examined it.

It was open.

Why? What made that different? Later Emily realized that it was obvious, though at the time she was dumbfounded.

She thought about the night before, racking her memories for the tiny little change that made all the difference. It took her a while, I’ll just leave it at that.

Then she remembered; the night before, when she was fumbling with the lock, her hand moved unexpectedly and her ring caught on the lock, pulling it loose.

Emily latched the journal again, then pulled with her bare fingers. Nothing. She took her ring and used the band to pull the lock. It opened. She was amazed. She tried it again, just to make sure. It worked with each test.

“Emily!” Mr. Creevey yelled from downstairs. “Come here. Now!”

Emily quickly opened the diary.

I’m about to get the grounding of a lifetime. Wish me luck.

And then she slammed it shut and went downstairs heavy hearted. Somehow she had the feeling that being grounded was not going to be the worst of her punishment.
Last edited by ultraviolet on Mon Jun 21, 2010 11:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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Hi, ultraviolet! I’m here as promised. : )

This is another chapter that I quite like. It was pretty interesting to see the consequences of what happened in the previous chapter, and how a small thing like Emily losing her temper is going to impact so much of her future. I think it’s a good indicator of just how much her life with the ring has changed things for her, how hard it is for her to just live her life as a normal person, because things can fall apart for her so quickly, with jus the smallest change in emotions.

I still feel pretty close to Emily and I like her character, and I think it was good to show her struggles and emotions in this chapter. I like how her attachment to the diary shows a little bit of vulnerability in her, and how the events of this chapter and the previous one drive her to more intense emotion and even more struggles. I feel like this chapter made her open up to me a little bit more, and as a consequence I’m getting to know her personality and her struggles a little better. That in turn makes it easier for me to sympathize with her at times like this, when things have all gone wrong and all her carefully guarded emotions start to really burst forth.

Anyway, I’m curious to see where the story is going to lead if Emily is really being sent away from the Creeveys. Although, if she is, I do have a bit of a question—would it really be that easy for her family to just get rid of her now that she’s been adopted? As far as I know (and I’m by no means an expert on the topic) adoption is a pretty permanent deal—I’m not sure it’s entirely legal for the Creeveys to just get rid of her like that. *shrug*

But in any case, I’m still curious to see where this situation goes. I’ve got no idea what turns this story is going to take next, and I’ve read a lot of fantasy, so that’s a good thing. ^_^ I’m excited to find out what’s going to happen in the next chapter. :D

A couple quick nitpicks:
Frustrated, she threw the journal against the wall. In anger.

I’m not sure I like the phrase “in anger” thrown in at the end of the sentence here. It’s just sort of awkward, and since you already mentioned that she was frustrated, it seems pretty redundant.

What else was knew?

Oops, wrong “new.”

Otherwise, this was a pretty solid chapter, and I especially think that your overall prose has improved a lot—I didn’t notice anywhere near as many awkward phrasings in this chapter as I did in, say, the first part of chapter one. The story is getting stronger, and I hope you’re taking it somewhere great! See you next time. :D
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

Hey, how about a free review?




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Thanks for the review! :) I really appreciate it! :) I know, I'm addicted to smilies! :)
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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Heya again.
I is back, my bruva. Sorry about that... British slang. :smt003
Anyway, you know the drill!

Every line in her face was turned down into a scowl.


“Go to your room,” Mrs. Creevey said in a voice that would send shivers up the Grim Reaper’s spine.

I liked this part. :wink:

Emily thought it best not to press.

Press what? Maybe this is some kind of phrase that I haven't heard before, I don't know. I've heard the phrase 'push her buttons' before. That's kind of similar, I guess. If this isn't a phrase, I think you should make it clearer to as of what you are saying.

“Wait,” Mrs. Creevey called after her. Emily turned. “Take a shower. You’re disgusting.”

Awww... what a sweet woman.

Once she got a change of clothes and was standing in front of the bathroom, she saw that Mrs. Creevey was right, however.

You don't really need the word however here.

She plopped down onto her bed, her face down onto her pillow, where tears were collecting.

Typo? :wink:


Overall

I don't think that I'm going to have much to critique about this chapter, to be honest. Anything specific that I would mention, I have already mentioned in the previous reviews. I must say, I definitely do like the idea behind this story. I especially like what happened in this chapter with the journal and the ring. I think that the whole, you can only open the journal with the ring, is a pretty good, pretty original idea. Although this chapter wasn't funny, like the last one, it was still written well. Some of your descriptions are very nice and as well as being a good humour writer, you can be serious when you want to be. That's always an important thing; to be able to write both seriously and not so seriously. Once again, there were few grammar errors in this and your spelling was perfect. You also didn't change tenses in this chapter, so yay! :)

The only real critique, if you could call it that, about this story is something that was at the very beginning. I only just actually remembered this part of the story, that's why I didn't mention it in the last review. Anyway, here it is;

Hey. My name’s Dex Reemer. Not really. The reason I don’t dare give my real name is simple: I’m dead. Or I will be once someone finds out who I am. I’m kind of hoping nobody does.

I’m here to tell you a little story. A history lesson, if you will. It happened, it really did.

There are people out there. People who don’t want you to know. They would go to extreme lengths to keep you ignorant. They would hurt not just me, but my family, my friends. Which is why my identity must remain a secret. Think of me as Superman. It’s to protect those around me, those I love.

But I won’t leave you completely blind. I’m a girl and I’m thirteen. Whether you choose to believe that or not is up to you.

Anyways, I’ll be narrating this for you. Feel free to show your friends. In fact, please do; they need to know too. Because one less ignorant is one less victim… if you’re careful, that is. There’s only one condition to reading: Don’t ask me my source.


I'm assuming that the person being described in this is Emily. This is the prologue, isn't it? What I don't quite understand about this is the fact that at the beginning, you say that her name is Dex Reemer. You also say that she can't tell anyone her real name. The issue I have with this is the fact that, literally minutes later, we find out that her name is Emily. Also, from the prologue I get the idea of Emily being mysterious and not willing to tell anyone about her life. Yet, in the first chapter you tell us an awful lot about her life.

The reason I don’t dare give my real name is simple: I’m dead. Or I will be once someone finds out who I am. I’m kind of hoping nobody does.


In this part, you say that she doesn't want anyone to know who she really is. Surely, she can't be that bothered about it if we find out her details in the next chapter? You also mentioned somewhere in the prologue that she is going to be narrating this story to us. The rest of your story is in third person though, except for the journal entries, so that is a bit dodgy. I might simply be missing something here, I'm not the smartest kid in the world. :lol: I definitely think that you could clear it up a bit though.

Other than that, I don't really have much to say that I haven't already said. All that you need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers have said and edit this up a bit. If you do that, you will definitely have a great story going here. :) I know for a fact that you are a good writer so I know that you can do it. You just need to check over everything.

Keep writing and good luck with this!

xoxo Rhian
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Obviously I have a bunch of re-writing to do. Dex Reemer and Emily are two completely different people. Dex Reemer found out about Emily's life--as well as a few other people who show up later on--and is narrating it all for us. Since I didn't make that apparent, do have any idea how I could phrase this so it's evident? I mean, Dex Reemer said that she is narrating, but I guess people think that she means about her life. Which is wrong. So... yeah. Any ideas?

loveness, ultraviolet
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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Ahhh! I understand now. Yeah, I do think that you need to clear that up a bit. How can you do this...? Hmm... *thinks*

What you could do is include a paragraph in the prologue that says something like; This story starts with a girl. I am going to tell you her story, e.t.c. Obviously, you'd write it a bit more creatively than that! But you get the idea? That's just a suggestion though.

I can't really think of anything else. That could work though, I guess? :)
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Great job Miss Dia!

They got most of the nit picks and this was overall a great chapter. I can't wait for the story to pick up speed and hope teh 3rd chapter will be out soon!

You're characters are all well developed and your narrative voice has gotten better!

Lots of :smt049, Nepo!
This Months Disney Film: Beauty And The Beast

~Is It Wrong That I Find The Beast More Attractive As An Actual Beast Then His Human Prince Form?




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Yeah, sorry. About the adoption thing. I changed it so that this is her first real family, and that she's worried about her punishment instead of a new home. So.... I hope to get the next chapter up soon. :)
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com



I would always rather be happy than dignified.
— Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre