Darling Dear

*I know it's lengthy but I'm human, forgive me lol*

Yeah, I see you. Sitting in the back of the room,
hoping we’ll all just pass over the glaze in your eyes.
Hiding under that over-sized sweat shirt of yours.

Do you remember when we were little an I used to tell
you my Sponge Bob Square Pants eraser was better then
your Patrick Starfish? When getting high meant swinging
until our toes touched the sky?

What happened between then and now? What made it so
hard to come to school clean? The adrenaline we used to
receive from games of Lava Monster is now replaced by the
fear of getting caught for the vodka in that little
coffee mug in your hands.

Do you remember how scared we used to be of getting a
Think Time? How sympathetic we would feel for that poor
sobbing kid getting sent out into the hall, but God, at
least that wasn’t us.

Now you don’t even give a damn whether or not they
realize you’ve been skipping third period for a week.
Consequences mean nothing to you now because you’re
invincible to everything the worlds gonna throw at you.

You are so beautiful, you don’t need him, so put the
knife down. Leave your poor skin alone so maybe for
the first time in this month of eighty degree weather
you won’t have to wear long sleeves.

Lock the bottle of pills up and don’t think about them,
because they aren’t an escape plan honey.

Do you remember when all we used to talk about was who’s
Pokemon was better? Now all the conversation revolves
around is oh God did you hear about Heather/ Bridget/ Lindsey.
And who’s pregnant/ depressed/ hospitalized.

We didn’t used to have a care in the world minus the few
times cooties or Mystery Meat Monday came into play. Now
your sitting in class wondering, did I take my birth control?
Does she now what I did with her boyfriend?

Will I make it through next week. Does the teacher now I
copied my entire paper from the Internet? Will he leave me?
Can they see me?

Well the answer? Yes, I see you. You can’t hide,
there's no sweatshirts or big sunglasses to hide behind
now. And I want you to know I’m here, and I won’t leave so
please don’t let yourself go.

I guess it’s to late now, though. Those pleads I would make
up in my head every time I saw you went unsaid and you were
oblivious to my concern.

I should have helped you, given you a ride home or called you
just to see if everything was alright. Taken you to the nurse
to have her tell you that you needed help. Told your parents.

And do you remember what it was like to be alive? Because
darling dear your six feet under and as cold as stone. The
world ate you alive and it thought you tasted good. Oh God how
I wish it hadn’t.

How I wish you were poisonous and it gagged you back up
because I miss you, and I can’t do anything about it.

Wow, this was really good! I don't think it needs to be improved, you put your real feelings into it, and it actually made me almost cry, because I can relate to it.
Just some typos you made, though

Do you remember when we were little and I used to tell

Now
you're sitting in class

Does she know what I did with her boyfriend?

Does the teacher know I
copied my entire paper

Because
darling dear you're six feet under

I'm sorry for your loss.
Keep writing, it's a good way to get your feelings out!

VioletJune wrote:Yeah, I see you. Sitting in the back of the room,
hoping we’ll all just pass over the glaze in your eyes.
Hiding under that over-sized sweat shirt of yours.

Do you remember when we were little an I used to tell And, not an?
you my Sponge Bob Square Pants eraser was better then I used to tell you that my sponge bob...etc
your Patrick Starfish? When getting high meant swinging
until our toes touched the sky?

What happened between then and now? What made it so
hard to come to school clean? The adrenaline we used to
receive from games of Lava Monster is now replaced by the fear of getting caught for the vodka in that little
coffee mug in your hands.
Ahh a fun stanza. The questions made it a little bit irriating but they almost seem needed. Maybe a rewording is in order?

Do you remember how scared we used to be of getting a
Think Time? Of getting a think time? What? Can you use something different for that, abetter way to describe it? How sympathetic we would feel for that poor
sobbing kid getting sent out into the hall, but God, at
least that wasn’t us.

Now you don’t even give a damn whether or not they
realize you’ve been skipping third period for a week.
Consequences mean nothing to you now because you’re
invincible to everything the worlds gonna throw at you.

You are so beautiful, you don’t need him, so put the
knife down. Leave your poor skin alone so maybe for
the first time in this month of eighty degree weather
you won’t have to wear long sleeves. Ohh fun, it's a bit angsty. I was enjoying the poem up still this stanza and the one above it. They are more so someone talking, instead of you writing a poem, it seems more like a story. Eh? Bring back da imagery.

Lock the bottle of pills up and don’t think about them,
because they aren’t an escape plan honey. Again another angsty, it's not too fun to read about them. Maybe if you gave it a more poetic quality?

Do you remember when all we used to talk about was who’s
Pokemon was better? Now all the conversation revolves
around is oh God did you hear about Heather/ Bridget/ Lindsey.
And who’s pregnant/ depressed/ hospitalized.
Ten thousands points because pokeman are awesome, but again the angsties and well, it's kinda just a bunch of teenage problems that you heard about.
We didn’t used to have a care in the world minus the few
times cooties or Mystery Meat Monday came into play. Now
your sitting in class wondering, did I take my birth control?
Does she now what I did with her boyfriend? Know, not now?

Will I make it through next week. Does the teacher now I
copied my entire paper from the Internet? Will he leave me? Leave you..? What?
Can they see me?That seems a bit random.

Well the answer? Yes, I see you. You can’t hide,
there's no sweatshirts or big sunglasses to hide behind
now. And I want you to know I’m here, and I won’t leave so
please don’t let yourself go.

I guess it’s to late now, though. Those pleads I would make
up in my head every time I saw you went unsaid and you were
oblivious to my concern.

I should have helped you, given you a ride home or called you
just to see if everything was alright. Taken you to the nurse
to have her tell you that you needed help. Told your parents. Told your parents is a sentence fragment. =O!!

And do you remember what it was like to be alive? Because
darling dear your six feet under and as cold as stone. The
world ate you alive and it thought you tasted good. Oh God how
I wish it hadn’t.

How I wish you were poisonous and it gagged you back up
because I miss you, and I can’t do anything about it.

You're incredibly wordy, everywhere. Here's a perfect example of how it can be trimmed down.

And do you remember what it was like to be alive? Because
darling dear your six feet under and as cold as stone. The
world ate you alive and it thought you tasted good. Oh God how
I wish it hadn’t.

Do you remember what it's like,
to be alive, before you were unsavoringly swallowed by the world.

There's a lot of what you said here, and this poem is kinda prose like, eh? Good luck though, sorry if I was overly harsh.

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.

I loved this. Like a lot. Wow. I feel like posting this as my Facebook status and being like, OMG I WISH I WAS HALF AS TALENTED AS THE PERSON (VIOLETJUNE) WHO WROTE THIS. Lol, I wouldn't though, without your permission

Anyway, there are moments where it feels like your telling a story rather than a poem. You should use more imagery, so we don't read it like a rant but like a poem.

The comparisons and such were good and fun to read. I liked the ironic statements like:

When getting high meant swinging till our toes touched the sky?

and

Do you remember when all we used to talk about was who’s
Pokemon was better? Now all the conversation revolves
around is oh God did you hear about Heather/ Bridget/ Lindsey.
And who’s pregnant/ depressed/ hospitalized.


I think that even though you repeat the cliche high school statements, it wouldn't be cliche if it didn't happen in so many high schools. I don't think you should change much. Even the 'angsty' stuff, I liked because that's what the poem is about, no? It's alright to have angsty stuff cus' that's what the poem is about. Good job. I want to see more of your stuff

Thanks and yes if you want you could post it on your facebook, I would feel honored but sorry about the roughness, I've never really done poetry before so excuse my mistakes.

Oh wow. Hello there, darling. I read this very slowly and carefully. You don't do poetry often? Or you don't share it with others often? I must admit I kind of suspect you of being a poetic person even if you hardly ever write the stuff. You have a natural talent that isn't something you can earn, it's a lifestyle and a way of thinking, experiencing, and recalling life. It's a heartbeat. Baby, no matter what you say - you have poetry in your blood; if I can tell you anything from reading your poem here, than that would be it. As it is, this is a longer piece so I am going to copy and paste so that I can show you better the careless errors, and then I will probably critique your poem as a whole in bullet points or something.



"Yeah, I see you. Sitting in the back of the room,
hoping we’ll all just pass over the glaze in your eyes.
Hiding under that over-sized sweat shirt of yours.

Do you remember when we were little an I used to tell
you my Sponge Bob Square Pants eraser was better then
your Patrick Starfish? When getting high meant swinging
until our toes touched the sky? [loved this line]

What happened between then and now? What made it so
hard to come to school clean? [beautifully communicated question] The adrenaline we used to
receive from games of Lava Monster is now replaced by the
fear of getting caught for the vodka in that little
coffee mug in your hands.

Do you remember how scared we used to be of getting a
Think Time? How sympathetic we would feel for that poor
sobbing kid getting sent out into the hall, but God, at
least that wasn’t us.

Now you don’t even give a damn whether or not they
realize you’ve been skipping third period for a week.
Consequences mean nothing to you now because you’re
invincible to everything the worlds gonna throw at you. [but you weren't?]

You are so beautiful, you don’t need him, so put the
knife down. Leave your poor skin alone so maybe for
the first time in this month of eighty degree weather
you won’t have to wear long sleeves. [perfect, jagged...the poem starts to climax here.]

Lock the bottle of pills up and don’t think about them,
because they aren’t an escape plan[,] honey.

Do you remember when all we used to talk about was who’s
Pokemon was better? Now all the conversation revolves
around is oh God did you hear about Heather/ Bridget/ Lindsey.
And who’s pregnant/ depressed/ hospitalized.

We didn’t used to have a care in the world minus the few
times cooties or Mystery Meat Monday came into play. Now
your sitting in class wondering, did I take my birth control?
Does she [k]now what I did with her boyfriend?

Will I make it through next week. Does the teacher now I
copied my entire paper from the Internet? Will he leave me?
Can they see me?

Well the answer? Yes, I see you. You can’t hide,
there's no sweatshirts or big sunglasses to hide behind
now. And I want you to know I’m here, and I won’t leave so
please don’t let yourself go.

I guess it’s to[o] late now, though. Those pleads I would make
up in my head every time I saw you, [they] went unsaid and you were
oblivious to my concern.

I should have helped you, given you a ride home or called you
just to see if everything was alright. Taken you to the nurse
to have her tell you that you needed help. Told your parents.
[I've shared these same regrets...this poem really ripped my heart out...]

And do you remember what it was like to be alive? Because
darling dear you['re] six feet under and as cold as stone. The
world ate you alive and it thought you tasted good. Oh God how
I wish it hadn’t.

How I wish you were poisonous and it gagged you back up [ loved this line]
because I miss you, and I can’t do anything about it."



Pure poetry critique:
- The endings twist came too unexpectedly, because the voice of your poem changes erratically and makes it abrupt and too awkward.
- Punctuation could use some going over, editing.


Is this based of a personal experience of yours, or your imagination?

Keep writing.
I liked your poem.

At your service,
Mandorelute

Wow! Thanks and no this wasn't a personal experience, I was just thinking of it haha.