Death by Chess June 24, 2091 Part Three

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Crap, This Could Be Bad...

I look up at the man from where I am propped up by my my elbow on the ground. He has a gun pointed at my face, only a foot away. Sweat is dripping down his forehead, and his breathing is heavy.

"Who 'r you?" He asks in thickly accented Spanish. His voice is rough, and unkind. The words pierced my like swords. A little spit came out of his mouth as he said this, but he didn't wipe his mouth off.

"Ri...Riley." I manage to stutter out. Scared for my life, I couldn't think straight enough to form a good lie. Any other time, I was a champion liar. Now, I didn't have the guts to do it.

"Are you with the Feriso? Never mind, you wouldn' tell me if ya were. Besides, Jerro don't hire ladies. 'Specially not a wimp like you." He says, in English this time. His mouth turns up in a smile of anticipation. Probably because he was about to kill me.

"Who are you talking to?" A boy, this time, comes down the unstable-looking metal staircase. He has brown hair that almost cover his brown eyes, and I can tell the moment I see that he won't shoot me without a good reason. The thought is very comforting. He walks over to where we are, seemingly seeing nothing odd in this exchange.

"Says her name's Riley? Ring a bell?" he demands of the boy. The boy shakes his head and laughs a little.

I am shaking all over, scared for everything. Was this it then, the end of me? What would Bree think, and my parents. But they would never know, they would just thought I ran away. They wouldn't know I was dead.

"No, sir. Can't say it does. Riley, that's an American name." His mouth pulls up in a bigger smile. Why was he smiling?

"No shit Sherlock. Listen to the lass talk. She's as bloody American as they come. What do ya think, we shoot her now or later?" The man was grinning now, too. But his smile was sinister and it terrified me.

"I don't know. Have Jerro take a look. He's boss around this place, whether you like it or not, Antonio."

"Won't be boss for long, if I gotta say in it, Mark." Antonio growls. He stares Mark down, doing his best to intimidate the boy. It has seemingly no effect, and the boy just leans against the wall, still managing to keep a grin on his face. It was almost smug, th way Mark looked at Antonio.

"You aren't talking about mutiny, are you?" Mark is suddenly serious.

"This ain't no ship, Mark." The man named Antonio scoffed.

"I didn't know you were here. Really. I just ran away from home and ended up in Mexico and then came here because from a distance it looked alright and I thought where there was a warehouse there was a city and..." I say it all very quickly. Mark puts a hand over my mouth.

"Be quiet, chica, if..you want...to live." He says in English, putting pauses between his words. I nod, and he releases his hand.
Last edited by Kaywiia on Sun Jun 06, 2010 4:35 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Love is beautiful, but what would love be without life?




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Hey there Kay!

I love the dialogue of this, and it's kind of a vulnerable side to Riley and I really like that! What I will mention is perhaps refrain from so much dialogue, such as in my Reg Carter novel (not the SB character, haha), I've made a similar mistake.

Although dialogue is a fantastic motor to use for a story, it can take up a hell of a lot of the content and there's little show, little implied freedoms for the reader. I think you'd benefit from adding short descriptive bits inbetween when the other two are talking to display to the reader how Riley feels. I think that'll better your story very much so :wink:

"Are you with the Feriso? Never mind, you wouldn' tell me if ya were. Besides, Terro don't hire ladies. 'Specially not a wimp like you." He says, in English this time.
I love that line loads because it sounds a bit like m'Reg! :wink:

Brilliant so far though Kay!
You're a very imaginative writer,
Hope this helped,
Ben




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Thanks, Ben! I am going to bring Reg into this shortly, and that is going to be interesting. This is when Riley was 15, and she hasn't been roughed out by the south yet. So she's a little softie right now....
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Hiya! This is Chetan Again. Once again, I am here to review your work.

First of all, you are using short form of words here. Like you are using "Who 'r you?", I recommend you to avid then as you are writing fiction not poetry.
And the dialogged in this part of the story seem very much confusing, especially in the end. Revise them as a reader and then you will get where you lack.

As these dialogs are not good enough reader continues to loose interest in your story which can be an alarming factor for your writing. You have the skill, just try it a little and you will be great.

Over all, to be honest I can't really tell you in this part because I myself didn't find it that good compared to last and other once.

But that is just my view, final decision is up to you. I will be looking forward for more of your work, and I would love to read the story further.

PM me or let me know if you need any help from me or need a review, I will try to help you with what I've got.

-Chetan
I would be glad if you review my work, How difficult life could be



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