Thoughts of Murder

A line so fine,
an ice so thin
What is murder?

To me a sin,
but to you an escape.
Explain your reality.

You can kill without remorse
but my soul has been destroyed.

Deeds I did not commit.
Blood I did not spill
now flows beneath my feet.

What is this reality I know?
Why have you forsaken me?

I am stained by an innocent's blood,
tortured by her scream.

These sins were not mine,
but they are on my hands.

Now, for an eternity I must
dwell in your shadow.

this is a nice poem, very dark and grim. I like it. This is the type of thing I write, but I interpret it in movies. It seems like you're rhyming at first, but then you stop. I would revise that, because you can't rhyme and then not rhyme. (At least not to my knowledge. I'm not a big poet) You seem to have sturdy control over your poetry. Keep WRITING! and here's a gold star.

You are brilliant. with no rhyme scheme you still manage to make your lines flow together. this work is over-flowing woth emotion and a bitterness that is palpable. someone is lost in there broken past. i can't stop reading your work.

Thanks to both of you. I have never been big on rhyming in my own work. I just write what makes sense. Again than you for your comments.

Hi!

You conveyed the anguish and fear of a person caught in a world they cannot escape very well. I like how you broke it up into readable stanzas, and how the dark emotion is tangible. I do agree with Vasticity that you have a few rhyming words scattered at the top, and this makes the reader think you might be rhyming more. I might try revising just the very top. Otherwise, everything sounds great.

Good job, and keep writing poetry!

--Glim

thanks everyone. i will take that into consideration and see about revising the top soon.

I was pleasantly surprised by this. I was underwhelmed by the first couple lines so I had low expectations for the rest of it, but it wasn't what I expected. No more forced lines, and you managed to stay away from cliches.

I think part of the reason I didn't like the first couple lines has to do with that Vast said, about trying to rhyme. I was starting to expect a lot of forced rhymes in the rest, because the first couple lines sounded like an awkward rhyme, made more awkward with the cheesy internal rhyme in line one. Vast wasn't completely accurate about not being allowed to rhyme and then not rhyme, but you have to be pretty solid on the rules before you can break them, and consistency is usually the safer bet anyway.

The lines alone flow pretty well, but the way you divided the stanzas made it choppy. I would think about combining some stanzas to make them longer, or just doing away with the stanzas altogether.

"What is this reality I know?
Why have you forsaken me?" These lines didn't do much for me. The first line sounds like a vague reach at some kind of profound thought that I couldn't connect with that was going on. The second isn't explained. The "you" from the rest of the poem is the killer. How did they forsake the speaker though? By killing someone? That's the only option that I can see, but I'm still uncertain that that's what you meant. If it is, try to give us a bigger clue than that. You can leave things unsaid for the reader to figure out, but you have to give them something to work with, clues and hints and symbols they can put together so that they can read into it and feel like they're actually making the right assumptions.

"To me a sin,
but to you an escape.
Explain your reality." I think I understand the concept of these lines, but I didn't really like them. They felt too short, too abrupt. I didn't have a chance to really grasp them because they were over too quickly. I felt like they needed more substance, more meat to them. I think you should expand on what you're saying, say more about it. If it's a sin to the speaker, what do they think of it? How does it make them feel? If it's an escape to the "you", what does it do for them? What are they escaping from? (you don't have to say it explicitly; you can hint at it, or describe it, or just describe how it's an escape).

I think what you have so far is good, as far as a story goes. I think you could add a little more to it, more imagery, or more background, or more description. You do give us visuals, but you don't take advantage of any of the other 4 senses. The more of them you use, the more you draw the reader in and focus them on your words. It's good to make the reader work a little to understand and imagine, but not too much. What does the blood smell like? What does the abandonment feel like? What does the scream sound like? Take advantage of that; when you're writing, ask yourself if you've used at least three of the five senses and your descriptions will have a greater effect.

Just for the record I was not trying to rhyme.