I lay awake,
In sweat and tears.
When will this end?
It's been years,
since I've dreamt of him.


Who is he?


He warns me,
in a deadly tone.
"There is something,
you should know..."


What is it?


I may never hear,
he pushes me,
then disappears.
I fall of the cliff,
and scream aloud,
but no one hears.


Why is that?


The forest floor,
calls my name.
I sob and scream,
in all my shame.
No one to help me,
no where to go.
Then i wake up.

But what should i know?

I only saw maybe a few errors. Like twice you didn't capitalize the "I"s.
But with that aside I liked this. I honestly am not very good with reviews so I'm sorry.

I like the idea and emotion behind your work, but you use and then drop the rhyme scheme as it suits you which disrupts the flow of the poem because the reader goes back to see if it rhymes. Poetry doesn't have to rhyme I know, but if you are going to put in a rhyme scheme try to stick with it.

this poem has a sophisticated tone. it is surreal and feels like it is a piece from a novel...which is a compliment just to let you know. it entails of being a dream but feels like something more. it comes off as being important. and it reads easily and is made more interesting with the in and out flow of your stanzas. good work!!!

Some of the greatest poetry ever written have had rhymed then stanzas with no rhyme, first. The poem itself was good, not one of the greatest, but good. I agree that several of the stanzas have a scheme that disrupt the flow, but overall i would not change much. It was surreal, sad, yet emphatic in its statement. The abrupt ending propels a sense of a world that we live in today. good job on this poem.

Well I'm nwe to YWS but I must say that that poem was really good. (: It had a lot of emotion and the rhyme scheme was great. Nice work.

Hello there, Allmixedup! =D

For the most part, this is a decent poem. The only main thing that really bothers me is the lack of capitalization, especially in the 'I's. If you fix that, this poem will look a while lot better and it'll be easier to focus on the main of the poem.

Otherwise though, it's good. Keep it up.

~Heather

Hi,
I really liked your poem because you planned it out so well, i could read it easily and couldn't find a fault. Well done.

Hello! I really enjoy your writing. It is very clear what it is about, and lyrical but narrative at the same time. I love this poem, and your others also. I can see that you are crazy in the chat room, but you wouldn't know it by reading your poems. They are very serious and keep my attention the whole time. Keep up the great work, Mixed!

Hi, Roon here, I thought this was really interesting, which is why I’m here, so here goes:

I lay awake, < I think this should be lie. The rest of the poem is in the present tense, so this should be too.In sweat and tears.
When will this end?
It's been years,
since I've dreamt of him.

Okay, this flows nicely, but you should be wary of Word capitalising the start of each line, because it shouldn’t be capitalised.

Who is he? < This is good, it intrigues the reader, but you never really answer this question, which leaves the reader with a question. If this is your intention, then you’ve executed it very well.


He warns me,
in a deadly tone. < I’m not sure how a tone can be deadly, but I understand what you mean, if you can think of a better word, go for it, but if not, leave it.
"There is something,
you should know..."


What is it? < Good, again you’re engaging the reader. This pattern also gives the poem a good structure.


I may never hear,
he pushes me,
then disappears.
I fall of the cliff, <Where did the cliff come from? You’ve not mentioned it before, so it’s a little odd. Also, I think you mean off, not of.
and scream aloud,
but no one hears.


Why is that?


The forest floor,
calls my name. <You’ve gone from a cliff to a forest, your imagery is a little confused here, for me, as when I hear cliff, I think of the sea.
I sob and scream,
in all my shame. <You’ve not told us that she has anything to be ashamed of, there’s no mention of it until now, you’ll need to expand if you want it to work.
No one to help me,
no where to go. < nowhere. Why hasn’t she got anyone? Explore the story behind your poem and give us some detail.
Then i wake up.<I* Also, this is one of those “And it was all a dream” scenarios that our teachers used to lecture us about. I don’t understand why you negated everything that happened in your poem by doing that. I think it’d be more powerful if they were actual events not just dreams.
But what should i know? <I* I like this, ending on a question that everyone has asked at some point, it’s brilliant, it really connects the reader.

Okay, so it flows brilliantly, you just need to watch out for capitalisations. You shouldn’t capitalise the first letter of every line, it breaks up the flow of the poem. I think the idea behind this poem is original, and it has a lot of potential, you just need to make sure everything, every line, every word is focused on what you want to achieve. I loved the rhetorical questions that broke up each verse, that was such a good idea, and really well executed.

Hope this helped.

~Roon

Your Peom Is Amazing i really like reading your work 2. The poem is very clear and you can picture it and see whats it is about.
Overall this poem is Great keep writting because you have a true talent

This is a great poem! Very original, and has a great stanza. Other than the fact that you should look into capitalization, I see nothing wrong with this poem, only positive comments!

I love the way you ask yourself questions, and somehow answer those same questions, yet tell the reader a story. You clearly have a great talent, so don't forget to use it, and keep on writing!

~Lindsay
"Defeat may serve as well as victory to shake the soul and let the glory out." ~Edwin Markham

Emmyyyyyyyyyy! First time that I read a poem by you. WOW! You are an awesome writer! O_O I like this... very, very, very much. Just remember that "I" is supposse to be written on capital letter!

Then i wake up.
But what should i know?

I loved it! Bye

I really liked this Em. I like the way you join your fears, dreams, and reality. You have a very special way with writing your images and thoughts. Good job, you've got my thumbs up!

I really liked it, It was like being in a dream. It had the same pace as a dream also, by which I mean it flows well. Good job!