Heartbreak

4 posts
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Gender Female
Points 2238
Reviews 25
The pain, it doesn't hurt much.
I have it 'round the clock.
Since you've gone.
Tick, tick, tick, tick tock.

Inside, it has broken.
One piece, now two.
Gone, faded away,
While tears stream as I cry boo hoo

Split in half
Because you're gone.
Forever and a day
Can't go on.

But I know that I can try.
Some Angels Are Destined To Fall.
Love Never Dies.




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Gender Female
Points 5705
Reviews 32
I think this is a worn out topic, and cliche. Also, some of the things you said sound really awkward, like
While tears stream as I cry boo hoo

'Boo hoo' makes it so that you can't take the poem seriously, like it's supposed to be lighthearted. But, I think, you probably want people to take it seriously. I think you should rewrite this poem, and put more detailed things in it, instead of these cliches like
Because you're gone.
Forever and a day
Can't go on.

Keep writing! You can only get better. :smt001
You've never had to crawl, you've never had to see,
what it feels like to be so trapped underneath

the weight of someone's world, comes crashing down on me

I was longing to be free, I put the bullet in you and me

This is my farewell to you and I,
this will all end in tragedy




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2238
Reviews 25
Thanks I'll work on it, because it isn't supposed to be light-hearted, you're right.
Some Angels Are Destined To Fall.
Love Never Dies.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4893
Reviews 99
This was good whenever I try to put words together it usually winds up a mess and I have to start over. Yours is well written a little on the short side but other than that is was good keep it up maybe I will get to read more of your work later on.



It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien