Fighting Gods, saving lives and a bit of forbidden romance..

hiii me again ill repost the edited version tomorrow and maybe the begining if you want me too ) this is another quick ipod type up, and the end scene of my new project.. i just wanna know if you think it sounds good and would like to hear more.



Dylans POV

i had no idea what i was doing, stood on the ships stage, at the camps end of year ball singing- can't fight this feeling, a song i heard on Glee back in England. i couldnt control my body, my brain was working on its own. because i noticed my hand was grabing hold of Phoenix's and pulling her onto the stage  , and then i was dancing with her. Yea i knew i had danced with her before but this time it was diffrent. her aquamarine eyes glittered like the sea, she looked like she knew the song was about her, and it looked like she was happy about it. her eyes never stopped glisening like she was reminising every single memory that we had the past few years, when we were normal 17 year olds in boarding school, not 17. year old greek demi-gods with the whole world expecting us to save them from evil titans. 
after i finished the song. i followed Phoenix to the front of the ship, she was stood looking over the metal bars seperating her from the sea. i stood next her and then noticed small tears crawling slowly down her cheeks i turned and asked her what was wrong. her voice was quiet but she spoke " i cant do this anymore, we shouldnt even be together, give me five reasons why i shouldnt give up and run away, to somwere safe. i had to answer 
the question, my life kinda depended on it but i could only think of four, " one-weve always been together scince we were like 3, two- you never give up, it isnt you, three- im staying, and four... four..." i stared at her, not knowing how to tell her i love her, so i did somthing really stupid... i kissed her, it was quick but i was able to say it, well wisper it, " i love you."   the second that followed felt like a hour but Phoenix looked  up at me with a cheeky smile, her eyes shone like stars. then she said in a smug tone " you didnt give me i fith reason!" " do i really have to?" then, i have to say the best thing happened to me... she kissed me, and i mean kissed me... we kissed for a while until we heard a voice, it was Lixxies "yay your together" me and Phoenix stared at each otber and said in harmony as we heard the rest of the camp coming to see us " crap" then Phoenix shrugged her shoulders, grabbed me and kissed me better than she had before. as we kissed we could hear the whole crowd celebrating. 

hope you like it,

Hello there!

First off, proofread this. You can't expect a reader to read a story that's full of grammatical errors, bad punctuations, misspellings, capitalization, etc., even if you say this is just a rough draft. No, you're not convincing them to read this, expect they'll click the 'Back' button. I know you're interested in posting this fast as possible but remember quality matters.

So, here to review.

I had no idea what I was doing. I stood on the ship's stage, at the camp's end of year ball singing- "Can't fight this feeling", a song I heard on Glee back in England. I couldn't control my body, my brain was working on its own. It was because I noticed my hand was grabbing/ holding of Phoenix's hand pulling her onto the stage, and then I was dancing with her. Yeah, I knew I had danced with her before but this time it was different. Her aquamarine eyes glittered like the sea, she looked like she knew the song was all about her, and it looked like she was happy about it. Her eyes never stopped glistening like she was reminiscing every single memory that we had the past few years, when we were normal seventeen year old in boarding school, not those seventeen year old Greek demi-gods with the whole world expecting us to save them from evil titans.
After we finished the song, I followed Phoenix to the front of the ship, she was stood, looking over the metal bars separating her from the sea. I stood next to/beside her and then noticed small tears crawling slowly down her cheeks, I turned and asked her what was wrong. Her voice was quiet but she spoke, " I can't do this anymore, we shouldn't even be together, give me five reasons why I shouldn't give up and I'll run away to somewhere safe." I had to answer
the question, my life kinda depended on it but I could only think of four, "One;/: we've always been together since we were like 3, two- you never give up what? giving up on loving him?, it isn't you, three- I'm staying, and four... four..." I stared at her, not knowing how to tell her I love her, so I did something really stupid... I kissed her, it was quick but I was able to say it, well whisper it, " I love you." The second that followed felt like an hour but Phoenix looked up at me with a cheeky smile, her eyes shone like stars. Then she said in a smug tone "You didnt even give me the fifth reason!"--- try stating something here " do I really have to?" then, I have to say the best thing happened to me... she kissed me, and I mean kissed me... we kissed for a while until we heard a voice, it was Lixxies, "yay! your together!" Phoenix and I stared at each other and said in harmony as we heard the rest of the camp coming to see us "crap" then Phoenix shrugged her shoulders, grabbed me and kissed me better than she had before. As we kissed, we could hear the whole crowd celebrating.

*sighs*

Please PM me when you edit this one. I'll be glad to review this again.

Overall, I like it because it was short but cute. But... okay, I won't bother to your errors. You seemed to rush this story. And again, proofread something before you post anything, especially, if it's a story. I'm sure there's a spellcheck here.

Peace out!

-yuri

Okay. Is this a fanfiction for the Percy Jackson series, or did you want to start your own version? If it's the former, ask a mod to move this to the fanfiction section. Otherwise, here I go...

Demi-gods are great. In fact, I've read The Lightning Thief, about seven times over the last four years, and adored it every time. However, it's important that, if you want to write a demi-gods story without any of Rick Riordan's characters or settings, you must make it very clear this is your story, not his. Make certain the characters are different, don't just copy all his ideas, however great they might be. So no smarty-pants pretty girl with an odd name, no silly main character who's afraid to kiss the smarty-pants girl, absolutely no satyrs with lovable senses of humor and a taste for aluminum soda cans.

Basically, don't plagiarize.

Second, your grammar and punctuation was, well, pretty much nonexistent. Allow me to give some examples.

i had no idea what i was doing, stood on the ships stage, at the camps end of year ball singing- can't fight this feeling, a song i heard on Glee back in England. i couldnt control my body, my brain was working on its own. because i noticed my hand was grabing hold of Phoenix's and pulling her onto the stage , and then i was dancing with her. Yea i knew i had danced with her before but this time it was diffrent. her aquamarine eyes glittered like the sea, she looked like she knew the song was about her, and it looked like she was happy about it. her eyes never stopped glisening like she was reminising every single memory that we had the past few years, when we were normal 17 year olds in boarding school, not 17. year old greek demi-gods with the whole world expecting us to save them from evil titans.

Basically this entire paragraph, and the other two, too. You never capitalize your i's, you put '17' when grammar dictates you to spell out any number under one hundred, you hardly capitalize anything, actually, and you seem to have forgotten totally about apostrophes. These things, remember? ---> ' ' ' '

So please, please, please, if you can't spell/punctuate yourself, have an older sibling or a parent or a better-versed friend do it for you. Nothing bores a read like reading something that's hardly intelligible due to spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes.

Right now, what you need to do is practice. Practice giving your characters some actual life, practice your plots, practice your dialogue, practice being able to describe a kiss. It's not that hard, even if you've never kissed anyone, to give a pretty good idea of what one is like, if you've ready really any teen/adult books at all. I remember, don't worry. ;-D Anyways, I suggest writing a lot. As much as you can. Write and write and write, practice, practice, practice, and no matter what anyone says or thinks, don't give up on it. I always say you should never give up on things because of what other people think -- it's your passion, not theirs, and they can bloody well fall off a cliff if they've got nothing better to do than trample other people's dreams.

That isn't to say -- and this is a very important distinction -- that you should ignore what other people tell you. But it's usually easy enough to see the difference between actual helpful criticism, and the kind that's just jealousy, or plain mean-spiritedness. I can see you've got a talent for telling stories, you just need some time to help it grow, mature, like anything else. The only way to become in expert at anything isn't to just do it really well at first; the real experts do it for hours and hours and hours, ten thousand, even. That's what makes you an expert, not publishing a mediocre novel at seventeen and pretending it was actually worth something (Sorry Christoper Paolini, you're good, but you're not that good).

So good luck! It's cute, and it made me smile, but you definitely should run it through spell-check and past some grammar-crazed friends/sibs/parents first. I know I, for one, would like it even better if it was a leeeeetle more intelligible. Follow your passion kid, and PM me when the next bit is on/when you revise, please?

-SELA

butterflyflutterby2 wrote:Dylans POV

i had no idea what i was doing, stood on the ships stage, at the camps end of year ball singing- can't fight this feeling, a song i heard on Glee back in England. i couldnt control my body, my brain was working on its own. because i noticed my hand was grabing hold of Phoenix's and pulling her onto the stage  , and then i was dancing with her. Yea i knew i had danced with her before but this time it was diffrent. her aquamarine eyes glittered like the sea, she looked like she knew the song was about her, and it looked like she was happy about it. her eyes never stopped glisening like she was reminising every single memory that we had the past few years, when we were normal 17 year olds in boarding school, not 17. year old greek demi-gods with the whole world expecting us to save them from evil titans. 
after i finished the song. i followed Phoenix to the front of the ship, she was stood looking over the metal bars seperating her from the sea. i stood next her and then noticed small tears crawling slowly down her cheeks i turned and asked her what was wrong. her voice was quiet but she spoke " i cant do this anymore, we shouldnt even be together, give me five reasons why i shouldnt give up and run away, to somwere safe. i had to answer 
the question, my life kinda depended on it but i could only think of four, " one-weve always been together scince we were like 3, two- you never give up, it isnt you, three- im staying, and four... four..." i stared at her, not knowing how to tell her i love her, so i did somthing really stupid... i kissed her, it was quick but i was able to say it, well wisper it, " i love you."   the second that followed felt like a hour but Phoenix looked  up at me with a cheeky smile, her eyes shone like stars. then she said in a smug tone " you didnt give me i fith reason!" " do i really have to?" then, i have to say the best thing happened to me... she kissed me, and i mean kissed me... we kissed for a while until we heard a voice, it was Lixxies "yay your together" me and Phoenix stared at each otber and said in harmony as we heard the rest of the camp coming to see us " crap" then Phoenix shrugged her shoulders, grabbed me and kissed me better than she had before. as we kissed we could hear the whole crowd celebrating. 

Okay paragraph 1 nitpicking:

1. You don't use capitalization and your dialogue runs together. It's all very confusing. Use more paragraphs.
2. When you use numbers under two hundred, spell it out
3. I like how you explained her eyes.
4. 'reminising?' That is not even a word.

Paragraph 2:

1. I thought the music was just playing, not him singing it.
2. Between 'noticed' and 'small' you can put an 'a' it would make sense then.
3. I see a quotation but not its mate...dialogue again.

Paragraph 3:

1. weve has to be we've
2. wisper has to be whisper.
3. fith has to be fifth.

Overall:

It was really good! Just use more paragraphs and better dialogue! Hope I wasn't to rough. PM me when you post more!