Breaking or Already Broken

Head aching
Heart breaking
Where is the light I saw in you?
All I wanted was the truth!
Too bad I couldn't realize
That you were hiding behind lies
What you thought of as happiness
Was fire burning a hole right through my chest

Eyes crying
Chest burning
What is wrong with you?
You were the one I always went to!
You broke my heart and made it bleed
Yet all you do is stare at my blood-red feet.

Mouth screaming
Lungs drowning
Sinking in the pool of tears shed over you
I know that I tell you that I'm through
Yet when I remember the past I know I still love you
Those are my words left unspoken
But is this love breaking or already broken?

Hi,

Okay, so my first comment is that this sounds more like song lyrics than a poem. I love the last two lines, they would be great for the chorus of a song...if you don't want to make this into lyrics, then I would suggest trying to make it slightly less singsong. I love this, but feel like it doesn't reach its full potential as a poem. Also, if you want to poemize it, I would try to add more feeling description versus telling description. Nice start!

Sarebear

Hi,

I really love the mix of long and short lines. It gives the piece a real energy. The rhyme and rhythm of the piece as a whole is really great.

I'd take another look at the imagery. Things like "heart breaking" "light" "bleed" and "pool of tears" are cliche, so I'd change them to more specific images. What does the speaker really see and feel? How do those around her know that she feels like this?

The best thing you can do for your poetry is read poetry. Anthologies are a great place to start.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Hello there
I really do not feel this poem. It feels like a bunch of words thrown at me and so I don't feel any flow or connection. Perhaps it is the lack of punctuation in it.

Head aching
Heart breaking....

Eyes crying
Chest burning ...

Mouth screaming
Lungs drowning

I do however like the beginning of each stanza. These lines had a lot of potential to create a good poem. But the connection was lost as I continued. Try punctuating maybe that could help. I don't know.
Keep writing

Hey there darling, how're you doing? Is this a poem about how you personally feel? If you need someone to talk to, you can pm me any time. You don't have to of course, just no know that you are welcome to.
Here's for the critique of the poem:

Stanza #1.
Head aching
Heart breaking
Where is the light I saw in you?
All I wanted was the truth!
[to]Too bad I couldn't realize
[that]That you were hiding behind lies
What you thought of as happiness
[was]Was fire burning a hole right through my chest

Stanza #2.
Eyes crying
Chest burning
What is wrong with you?
You were the one I always went to![ nothing or a: . ]
You broke my heart and made it bleed
[yet] Yet all you do is stare at my blood- red feet. presuming a trail of guilt? Maybe guilt-tripping, shame manipulation, or imprisoning you in the past?

Stanza #3.
Mouth screaming
Lungs drowning
Sinking in the pool of tears shed over you
I know that I {will?} tell you that I'm through
[yet, you use the word yet pretty often too] Yet when I remember the past I know I still love you
Those are my words left unspoken
But is this love breaking or already broken?

~*~

I love the ending though. I think you have a lot to learn, but you also have a whole lot of heart to put into your work as well. You will probably never run out on inspiration, even if it is tough stuff to handle.

Keep writing!
At your service,
Mandorelute