Staying Sane Inside Insanity *Prologue*

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1871
Reviews 46
It won’t be long now.
I repeated this phrase like a mantra, turning the words over constantly in my mind. As I lay huddled up beneath a snow-capped bush, I waited.
“It won’t be long now.” I let these simple words fall delicately from my lips, savoring the tingle of anticipation that shot through my body. The thick grey fog that drifted from my mouth seemed to beckon me closer.
The wait was torture. But it was an exquisite agony, and as each second passed, the tingling sensation grew stronger. I looked down at the glowing face of my Mickey Mouse watch, his arms twitching impossibly close to midnight. It was almost time.
I could have stayed crouched behind that shrub forever, admiring her beautiful house. It was extremely picturesque; one you would expect to see on a Christmas card. I stared up at a dark window at the top and smiled. I knew exactly where she was. As I stared I wondered exactly what she was wearing. The mere thought made the tingling almost unbearable.
I glanced down at my watch impatiently. Mickey’s longest arm had finally reached the twelve. It was time.
I will never forget the feel of her house as I stood alone in her family room. The atmosphere was friendly, and there was a faint aroma of warm cinnamon that filled the house with a sense of holiday cheer. I was at ease; I was home.
Her house was lavishly decorated with various types of ornaments. Brightly colored paper chains lined the ceilings, while shimmery tinsel twisted up the banister like a metallic snake.
What captivated me most happened to be the lights. Especially those that adorned the towering brambles of their Christmas tree. I seemed to almost float over to them, drawn to the faint glow like a moth to a flame. Staring up at the flickering glow, I stretched out a solitary finger. I touched the string of lights tenderly, welcoming the warmth.
I turned away abruptly. There was a reason I was here, and it wasn’t the lights.
It was her.
I had known her house well before now, so I was able to make my way to her room quickly and undetected. I opened the door slowly and padded lightly into her bedroom. Here, the aroma was stronger and more enticing than the rest of the house. Instead of cinnamon, her room smelled of something more pure. Innocence.
Her room was the typical teenage girl style. Posters of celebrities papered the wall, along with a colorful shelf holding numerous CDs. She was obviously fond of candles, too, as her room was full of them. The candlelight danced merrily across the walls, illuminating her perfect face. She was so serene; lost in an innocent slumber that I knew was misleading. Always the actress…
Her long blonde hair was fanned out behind her head, and looked almost like a golden halo in the candlelight. It’s strange how someone can appear so angelic, but be seductively sadistic.
I took slow, deliberate steps to her bedside. Smoothing a stray wisp of hair aside, I gently traced the contour of her jaw.
“Soon enough,” I whispered. I knew she heard me, because I saw a faint smile cross her lips.
A movement to my right startled me out of my reverie, and I jumped back instinctively. To my relief, I saw nothing more than the candlelight flickering across the room. I steadied myself on her dresser, and tried to slow my pounding heart. Less than thirty seconds later, a new fragrance mingled with that of the previous. Smoke.
I turned to see numerous tongues of fire quickly devouring the lace curtains. I had to leave.
I stole one more look at the sleeping girl before making my way out of the house.
It was not the fear of her seeing me that made me leave so quickly.
I simply did not want to hear her scream.

Critiques not only welcomed, but requested! :)
♥~*Emalee*~♥




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 12380
Reviews 64
Huh. Why does he have to wait till midnight, and if he wants to hurt her, why does he attempt to do it in such an unreliable way?

But don't worry, that's just what it left me wondering; I'm not questioning you as I assume there are reasons.

So, this was good. It definitely did leave me wondering. Anyway, I have some nitpicks.

I glanced down at my watch impatiently. Mickey’s longest arm had finally reached the twelve. It was time.
I will never forget the feel of her house as I stood alone in her family room. The atmosphere was friendly, and there was a faint aroma of warm cinnamon that filled the house with a sense of holiday cheer. I was at ease; I was home.


At least for me, it was at first unclear that he did in fact enter her home here. It was a pretty abrupt transition; at first I though the "I will never forget" part was going to be a memory or a flashback. Maybe just separate these two paragraphs in some way to make more of a divide.

Her room was the typical teenage girl style.


Eh, you can phrase this one better. "Her room was furnished just like that of any teenage girl." "Her was furnished in the style of the typical teenage girl." or something like those may work better; I'd just advise you to rephrase this one.

Other than those, the only thing I can say is that you're awfully fond of adverbs and adjectives :). I'd advise you to take some of them out; even though your prose does read very nicely, in general, it is a great rule that less is always better. Too many adverbs and adjectives clutter up prose.

Overall, though, very nice. And awesome ending :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1871
Reviews 46
Thank you :)
To clear things up: He doesn't want to 'hurt her' per se, he wants to 'love her'. He's the typical psycho antagonist. :) When I put up the rest of the story, you'll find out that he's...ummm...psycho and wants everything to be precise. Kind of OCD. He didn't MEAN to start the fire, it happened accidentally. <--- this was just to make sure you were clear.
Thank you for the critique!
♥~*Emalee*~♥



"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
— Dr. Seuss