Death By Chess June 24, 2091 Part Two

My Luck In a Nutshell



As I begin to walk on the old, dirt road, questions form in my head.

What was I going to do when I got to the warehouse? Was there a point in even going? Could I turn back now?

I knew only that I couldn’t turn back, but my future lay bleak and dark in front of me. I didn’t know what was going to happen, and it terrified me. I wanted a secure future again. Something predictable, a routine, but not the old routine.

A routine that would never get boring, but still was predictable. But I was asking for a miracle, and there was no chance I was going to be able to find a life like that. I finally take a seat and drink the last of my water. The hot Mexican sun beat down on my forehead, and sweat began to form. Eventually, I got back up and continued walking.

Soon I was close enough to tell that the warehouse wasn’t what I expected.

It wasn't very wide, but it was long. A few vines grew up the side, and it was surrounded by an assortment of trees. The door is made of wood, and has a few bullet holes in it. I walk up to it, and grab the handle. The door falls to the ground beside me. I peak into the warehouse, and find it appears to be empty.

A bunch of clothes litter the floor, along with bullet shells and empty coke cans. A few cardboard boxes line the wall, and metal crates are left open and stacked haphazardly in a corner.

I walk into the next room. It is bigger than the last. On the wall are three crudely painted targets. Bullet holes run through various parts of the target, and more bullet shells line the floor. Suddenly, a bullet whizzes inches from my face, along with a stream of cuss words that seem to come from every part of the room.

I look above me, and a man is standing there with a gun pointed at me.

Wow, that's intense. This story makes me want to know what happens next, as all great books should. I couldn't really find any major grammar or spelling mistakes. But I think it's really important to double check your story to edit it. The only reason that this is so dang short is that I couldn't find many mistakes. Keep on writing!

Ah, this will be easy to critique. Paragraphs, capitalization... I haven't read the other parts, just so you know. I'm lazy like that.



Here we go.

As I begin to walk on the old, dirt road, questions form in my head. Not the best hook in my opinion, but this isn't the beginning of you story. Note the tense; this sentance is in present tense.

What was I going to do when I got to the warehouse? Was there a point in even going? Could I turn back now? This is in past tense, as is an assortment of sentaces from here on out. Switching tenses breaks the little bubble we put ourselves in when we read and we go back to thinking, "Oh, yeah, this is a fictional book..."

I knew only that I couldn’t turn back, (Why did MC ask herself earlier if she could turn back if she knew she couldn't? Very confusing. And I think this should be its own sentance, so I would change the comma to a period.) but ("But" is used in the same way as "although" or "however", indicating that it is contradictory to the last clause. If you delete it the sentance/clause would flow better.) my future lay bleak and dark in front of me. I didn’t know what was going to happen, and it terrified me. I wanted a secure future again. Something predictable, a routine, but not the old routine.

A routine that would never get boring, but still was predictable. But I was asking for a miracle, and there was no chance I was going to be able to find a life like that. I finally take a seat and drink the last of my water. The hot Mexican sun beat down on my forehead, and sweat began to form. Eventually, I got back up and continued walking. I'm italicizing everything in present tense for you.

Soon I was close enough to tell that the warehouse wasn’t what I expected.

It wasn't very wide, but it was long. A few vines grew up the side, and it was surrounded by an assortment of trees. The door is made of wood, and has a few bullet holes in it. I walk up to it, and grab the handle. The door falls to the ground beside me. I peak into the warehouse, and find it appears to be empty. This paragraph almost feels like an info dump. Try including a little more action, show our MC walking around and seeing all this. Don't be afraid to make your paragraphs a little longer when they're already this short.

A bunch of clothes litter the floor, along with bullet shells and empty coke cans. A few cardboard boxes line the wall, and metal crates are left open and stacked haphazardly in a corner. Present tense.

I walk into the next room. It is bigger than the last. On the wall are three crudely painted targets. Bullet holes run through various parts of the target, and more bullet shells line the floor. Suddenly, a bullet whizzes inches from my face, along with a stream of cuss words that seem to come from every part of the room.

I look above me, and a man is standing there with a gun pointed at me. (Huh? Was there a man on the banister? Had MC ducked the bullet and is now on the floor? Or is this just a freky tall man?)

Overall:

I think this is good, but could be a lot better if you fix the tenses and little grammar mistakes. No typos, wonderfully. There are probably more typos in my critique than in your piece.

You have good description, but it lacks action. The description comes from the narrator, not the eyes of the MC. For instance, the narrator says, "The apple didn't fall far from the tree," while Sally says, "The apple fell right below the tree, leaving a trail of it's scent to fill my nose." As the old saying goes, "show, don't tell." I've provided a link with a very helpful thread.

Hope I helped!

Hi Kay! This is Chetan here, and I have something to say about your work here.

As Lava told in a review on the previous chapter, your chapters are very small. I agree that you can add a few more details about the girl's feeling and all but it is your choice at last. Also, if you are describing it along the time which seems a little confusing, you should divide it in chapters and then in time. I mean to say that you should first start a chapter and then subdivide into time and then plot.

Also, in the first chapter you just described the feeling of the main character Riley, but don't you think it would suite better if you also include a narration from her sister?

In this part,

What was I going to do when I got to the warehouse? Was there a point in even going? Could I turn back now?

I have a little confusion, in last part you described that the man in the truck dropped her somewhere in Mexico and she saw some big buildings but I don't remember if you mentioned a warehouse, did you!

Over all, you don't have too many mistakes and it is getting interesting as I continue to read it, I would love to read more of your work.
Keep Writing.

-Chetan