No more power

You ripped away my innocence,
not a shred was left in sight.
You told me everything would be just fine,
shattered all my illusions with your lies,
and told me you were right.

When you said you'd be with me forever,
I believed in your words.
Happily, I latched onto you,
like an ignorant puppy,
until I had started to see the light.

The reality seeped through the cracks
of the dream you gave me.
I realized I'd been taking the blame for your faults,
thanks to insecurity.
your power over me was fading fast,
then gone, without explanation.

I could take your game no longer.
at all costs, I needed to win.
After your back was turned,
I escaped your trap,
and signed my own declaration.

Hiya, Hobbit! I'm here to review.

Well, I think you have a good start towards a nice poem; your first two lines, for example, flow nicely and have a great hook, which sets the tone for your entire poem. However, there are some things I feel took away from this as a whole and made it rather boring. For example:

The rhyming scheme: At times this felt a little forced and that in turn made it corny. I would honestly just drop the rhyming pattern and work on how you can get your poem to flow without it.

The flow: Other than the rhyming, there were other things that affected the flow of your poem. At times there were lines that were way too long to fit into this poem, and it took away from your message because it was distracting. :/ And then, your third stanza has an extra line that creates an uneven layout.

These things, I feel, are what you need to work on;as I said, this is a good start! Just try and fix those things, and I'm sure you'll be great.

-Knightley

Hey,
I really liked you poem, it had me from the start.
There was only one part that seemed akward to me-

Happily, I latched onto you,like an ignorant puppy,

It seems a little akward to use puppy here....
Thanks for sharing,
Bunnie

Hey there originalhobbit
I liked this poem. But I think something is missing. I don't know, maybe you skipped a little connection somewhere in there. Maybe it's because the emotion is consistent all throughout until the end. But I liked it anyhow.

You ripped away my innocence,
not a shred was left in sight.
You told me everything would be just fine,
shattered all my illusions with your lies,
and told me you were right.

This was my favourite stanza. It is a greatly written introduction for this poem. Good job.

Hi, Hobbit! (Awesome username.)

This poem is ... okay. It's good some good points, and some bad points.

The good point is that there is quite a bit of raw emotion in this that occasionally seeps its way out. You get the general gist of the poem, and some of your lines are written well in a way that a lot of emotion is felt.

However, there is also a lot of room for improvement.

Flow:

As I read your poem through, the most noticeable thing was the flow of it. Read your poem out loud, and you'll find that it's hard to find a discernible rhythm or pattern which creates the nice sound as you speak it. Rather, it's kind of jerky and sounds forced.

A way to improve this would be by cutting out annoying, unnecessary words. Poetry sounds better when you cut it down so you have the essentials without all the small, annoying words which you don't actually need. An example:

When you said you'd be with me there forever,
I believed inyour words.
Happily, Ilatched onto you,
like an ignorant puppy,
until I had started to see saw the light.

Obviously you probably wouldn't cut it exactly like that, and it's by no means perfect, but you get the gist of what I'm saying.

when you're sorting out the flow, read it all through out loud to really make sure it's perfect.

Message:

Uhm, in all honesty, the theme you've taken here is one that's used often and can turn into quite a cliché topic. Unfortunately, I don't think that the way you've written about this makes it shine out in any particular way. I do feel that it might perhaps be better if you somehow twisted this poem on its head and put some kind of 'bam!' or shock into it which means that it would stand out from the rest of its type.

Hope I helped. PM me with any questions!

-Amy