Cast in Fire REVISION

Ok. Here is a revision of the original Cast in Fire. If anyone has suggestions or believes that something changed should go back, please let me know. Also, I will review anyone who would like me to. I try to be as helpful as possible, but I may sound like a harsh critic. I only do so because I really do feel strongly after reading and really believe that almost anything can be improved.

Oh, and I have very tough skin when it comes to taking criticism, so please be completely honest. Thanks again!


New Version:

a lonely soul in scattered thought
twisting chains he'd long since wrought

love was his fire which often he'd match
with storm and drink teamed to dispatch

a jealous rage once timed so sure
blazed so hot but wouldn’t endure

a face so trusting he sees now not
the past once so safe, dead and forgot

weak and weary he's fought and he's fought
a stain of the past which to him has now taught

that love was a comfort once sought


Old Version:

a lonely soul in scattered thought
twisting chains he'd long since wrought

a jealous rage once timed so sure
blazed so hot but couldn't endure

love was his fire which often he'd match
with storm and drink teamed to dispatch

a face so trusting he sees now not
only himself to blame the dumb sot

weak and weary he's fought and he's fought
a stain of the past which to him has now taught

to cast a life with love not rot



Thank you everyone in advance for your critiques and comments!

Hi,

I think the character is interesting.

I don't think that the structure does you any favours here. It forces you to twist your syntax, for example;
"a face so trusting he sees now not
the past once so safe, dead and forgot"
and this sounds unnatural. I'd play around with other patterns, including free verse.

Some of it is obscure and archaic, for example;
"a jealous rage once timed so sure
blazed so hot but wouldn’t endure"

and I think it would be better if made more visual. Instead of telling us he was jealous, suggest it through imagery.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Hi!

I like the overall poem, and the way you portray the character throughout.

However, my main sticking point would be the rhyme scheme. It's not too bad, and definitely not the worst I've seen, but it still detracts a little from your poem. Jasmine pointed out a couplet that seemed a little obscure, and I have a feeling that you could help this by attempting to write it without a rhyme scheme so that you don't have to make the words fit to a scheme when they don't actually need to be there. If you try it with free-form then maybe you'll be able to maximise on some of the great imagery you have without ruining it by having to rhyme the next line.

I also feel like the obscurity is a little too far out at times, and perhaps you could make your points a little clearer without removing imagery. If you become more precise with your poetry, then the effect will be much better.

Hope this helps!

-Amy

Hi there!

I do think this poem is nice, but it needs something extra. As Aqua said, your rhyming isn't the worst, but it could definitely use some improvement. For example:

a face so trusting he sees now not
the past once so safe, dead and forgot

This doesn't make sense. As you know, it should be "forgotten." With that in mind, don't shorten the word with your only intention being to make it rhyme with another; it becomes forced and a little corny. :/

Also, besides that, I would like you to use some more imagery throughout your work. As it is, you're simply telling us what this person is feeling or experiencing, when I would rather you showed us by painting a picture in our minds. For reference, here's the lyrics to a song that has some amazing lyrical imagery. You might want to look up the actual song and listen to it for further inspiration, but just read the lyrics first. This is what you need to be doing as far as imagery goes:

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/joshgrob ... night.html

Hope I could help! PM me if you need anything.

-Knightley