Celibate

I am pissed
That I’ve had a dream about me
Necking you
Amidst an epic Clash of the Titans battle
And then we break into Walmart

You don’t even realize
That the time we were in Red Robin
Was only pretend
And that I wanted to do you
All over the damn place

Sorry if I sound perverted
But I’m full of raging hormones
And I’m allowed to think about your body
Your tattoo arm
Full of Jesus

Are you a virgin?
I hope you’re not
Even though you act like such a celibate
No one who has that much passion
Is a virgin

I’m virginal in looks
And in all technicalities
But I see me in your arms on a summer night
All the time
Your nose sniffing my hair

Sometimes its better to be vulgar
Because it gets the point across better
I’d rather just slap you
And make a fool of myself
Then tell you that
I love you

This was awesome =D

For the second time today, I'm left feeling a little confused. Is the narrator pro-celibacy or anti-celibacy? It's all sort of jumbled together and somewhat ranty.

Also, I don't feel like your first stanza is as strong as it should be for an opening hook. The last two lines, for example, are completely unrelated and give the poem a somewhat random feel that doesn't suit me at all.

I do feel like this has some potential, but you definitely need to take a breath and read this through a couple times to find out what you could do without and what needs to be added.

Ello MLFA!

I had one little, technical comment to make.

Your tattoo arm
Full of Jesus

This sounds funny because I’m pretty sure it should be written ‘Your tattooed arm/covered by Jesus’.


All together, I liked the comical appeal of the first two stanzas because more than anything else, they almost reminded me of some sort of silly Fall Out Boy/Panic at the Disco/Cute Is What We Aim For sort of combination.

I’m also in agreement with Knightley in that you should really take a moment, step back and ask yourself, “What do I want the reader to get out of this?” Then go back into the puzzle with this question, read it again, and see if you get what [i]you[i] wanted the poem is the same as what you wanted the reader to get out of this. *hope I made sense there*

If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask me. Oh, and I love the Luna avatar.

~lilymoore

Wow, really great poem you have here. I like the way you use emotion, without having to lean on cliched imagery.

However, I do think there were a couple small slip-ups. For one, I agree that it should be "tatooed" not "tatoo". I see where you were going, but it didn't really work. Secondly, the first verse feels weak. I would inject some of the emotion from the later parts into it to bring it to life.

All in all, this was really good. Great job.

Oh wow! This is a terrific poem, luv. I don't say this often, but I loved it. It read clean, made sense, filled in the blanks, but left questions. It reminds of the book, "White as Snow." Not the fairy tell one, the diary one. Written nearly half a century apart. I don't remember the author's name but it was his only book three or four years ago.

Great use of creative language, I really have no criticism. I really think it made sense, and I disagree on the point that, I think you knew exactly what you were doing and what you wanted the reader to perceive. You have good control. In o0ther words, at least I got something out of it.

Keep writing!
At your service,
Mandorelute

I loved this. It's full of contradictions, which I think a lot of people can get confused about, but I believe contradictions mean just as much as things that make sense because it just shows that the narrator is conflicted.

I love the conflict between the traditional Christian good and evil and within that the conflict over whether they are actually good, and at the same time the passionate conflict of the narrator over her love, as if it were a moral issue, but love is blind - wait - isnt that another conflict?

This poem makes you think about love and sex and it's very interesting and very provoking. I love it!

I also thought the bit about the epic battle and then walmart was funny :p.

Just me again, keep writing XD