Bloom and Die

Before our death, we briefly thrive
Enchanted, wild, free, alive
Sweet madness that consumes this life
Of love and hatred, ceaseless strife
Hurling ourselves from a dizzying height
We paint the world in black and white
Burning day and flaming night
We shatter darkness with our light
So short a time to dream, aspire
We live by passion and desire
Lit with evanescent fire
Shining on our final pyre
This deadly game, this suicide
We throw ourselves against the tide
We sink as low, and soar as high
For a fleeting moment we can fly
The ardent soul behind our eyes
Swift to fall and swift to rise
We spiral upward to the sky
We bloom to life, and then we die.

Hi,

I really enjoyed this. The form works really nicely and gives this a real energy.

I love "spiral upward".

I'd cut references to darkness, light and the soul and darkness and concentrate on more specific, tangible images.

I'd say "Wild and free" for the sake of the syllable count.

Hope this helps,

Jas

I really love this my friend, I haven't seen your work in a while.
I really like the rhyme scheme you have her, it was very nice. The only thing I saw that didn't completely flow was the word evanescent, I didn't really like that, but other than that very nice.


-Flower-

This is amazing! I truly love this poem! I wouldn't change a thing. The way it rolled off my tongue when I read was just so pleasant. The emotion in this poem is really deep, and this poem is obviously well thought out! This is the best poem I have read in my life! Better then Robert Frosts "The Road Not Taken" I adore the way you talked about how we see life in black and white. And how we live just to die! Amazing I am still baffled, and am being struck with all of these thoughts this poem has made me think! Keep writing!

-KAH

First of all, I think this would be easier to read if you divided it into stanzas. Maybe something like this:

Before our death, we briefly thrive
Enchanted, wild, free, alive
Sweet madness that consumes this life
Of love and hatred, ceaseless strife

Hurling ourselves from a dizzying height
We paint the world in black and white
Burning day and flaming night
We shatter darkness with our light

So short a time to dream, aspire
We live by passion and desire
Lit with evanescent fire
Shining on our final pyre

This deadly game, this suicide
We throw ourselves against the tide
We sink as low, and soar as high
For a fleeting moment we can fly

The ardent soul behind our eyes
Swift to fall and swift to rise
We spiral upward to the sky
We bloom to life, and then we die.

I would also suggest adding more punctuation; not too much, just a couple more periods where they would go. If you go without, you have to make sure you have a good reason, and that your readers can still understand where you have sentences, where you have full thoughts, and what lines go with what other lines, because there were places where I wasn't sure where a sentence ended and the next began. That was also because you had every line capitalized. That's fine of course, though unnecessary. It's a style thing I guess; entirely your choice.

Your rhyme scheme works surprisingly well. I'm always happy when someone pulls it off because rhyming well is actually pretty difficult. For once I'm seeing a poem that actually benefited from the rhyme, instead of being hurt by it. Like Jas said, it gave it an energetic feel what went well with the words.

I really liked your ending line. It captured the suddenness that you talked about through the whole poem, how life goes so quickly. When I hear "bloom" think of something slow, something gradual. So there's that gradual growing into life, and then, as abruptly as you come to it in the poem, at the very end, we die.

I really enjoyed this; it's one of the better pieces I've seen in a while. =] Great job.

-Adna

I liked this. A lot.

One little thing I'd suggest to you though would be to fix your punctuation.

Oh, and you should divide your poem into stanzas so it's easier to read.

Other than that, it was good.

Good luck with future poems!

- RedRaven

Oh
My
Gosh!
That was literally the most amazing thing I have ever read!
I don't know of any mistakes or anything!
It was AMAZING!
I love it!
I'm sorry, I didn't give much of a review, or any at all.
But, wow! I don't know what to say!!
Keep writting, please!

-iheartbooks♥

Oh my gosh wow i didnt expect such great feedback! your reviews literally made my day. Im so glad u liked it. THank you so much!