The Greatest Matchmaking Challenge Ever: Ch. 7

10 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 49725
Reviews 155
Author's note: This is the seventh chapter to my romance novel. Enjoy! :)


CHAPTER SEVEN, A (minor) breakthrough.

Anita sat at Alex’s bedside, holding a book in her hands. To any common person it would appear that she was reading; however her eyes only flittered meaninglessly across the pages. Her thoughts were elsewhere. One topic her mind was particularly thinking about was how the devil Alex was distracted enough to scarf down a large mushroom of a type that he was highly allergic to. She didn’t take him for being blind, so what could have distracted him so? But even if she was judgmental of him, Anita really had been worried for Alex’s safety from the very moment he turned blue. She was astounded how much she cared for Alex’s safety. In fact, she was incredibly nervous that Alex would never wake up again. He slept through the past night, well into morning, and every hour added to her shaken nerves. She admitted that she had stayed in the room longer than she should have, but oddly enough nobody had told her to leave. So, against her better judgment she had decided to stay. She was still pondering this when she heard Alex stir.

“Hey…” Alex murmured.

Anita turned around in her chair and looked at Alex, her eyebrows raised in delight.

“Yes, Alex? Are you awake?” Anita answered.

Alex’s eyes remained closed, but she noticed how his eyelids were flickering.

He must be dreaming, she thought with disappointment. (She also thought, My, have his eyelashes always been that long? But she didn’t deign admit it to herself.) She was about to lean back again when she heard Alex mutter something.

“Pancakes…” Alex said.

Pancakes?

“No, hold the blueberries. I hate those things.”

Anita chuckled to herself. She leaned over his bed and listened to Alex continue to talk to himself, which was the most interesting conversation she had heard all day.

“Darn it, I said I wanted pancakes, not panpies!”

She listened to him say things like, “I don’t want to eat my shoes today,” and “why is this lamp lit?” until she couldn’t help but answer him back.

“Dear Alex, would you be interested in taking a walk with me today?” Anita giggled.

“We can’t walk to the lake,” he answered.

“Why can’t we walk to the lake, Alex?” Anita asked.

Alex’s eyes shut tighter and he lurched sharply to the side of the bed, the edges of his mouth turned down into a frown.

“No! …Elise. I’m so sorry, Elise.”

Anita drew back and paused, her lips pursed in thought. She leaned in closer before saying gently, “Alex, who is Elise?”

Alex jolted up with a start so suddenly that Anita lost her balance and fell onto the bed with him, face first. Anita thought for a moment that she would die of embarrassment. Alex didn’t seem to notice she was there in his drowsy state and was only aware of her when one of her flailing limbs slapped him on the cheek. He poked her back until she rolled over, her cheeks flushed.

“Anita, what are you doing in my bed?”

Anita sat up and ran her fingers through her long hair, unable to look him in the eye.

“Oh-oh, I am sorry. It’s just that I fell for you-I mean fell on you. And I-“

“It’s fine. How did I get here?” Alex interrupted, wanting to ease her discomfort. Apparently his question worked because a sly smile slid across Anita’s face.

“Oh,” Anita started as she got off his bed, “I don’t know if you would like to know that. “

Alex grinned and folded his arms.

“Oh, I believe I am quite interested. Don’t tell me you dragged me up here.”

“Well, I suppose it was someone with the same blood as me.”

Alex’s complexion paled and he closed his eyes.

“Good grief, your brother brought me up here didn’t he?”

“He held you like a knight carrying a princess from distress.”

Alex groaned and fell back into his bed. He pulled his sheets up over his head and sighed.

“Well, I certainly feel manly.” he said through the blanket.

“How are you feeling, actually?” Anita asked.

“Like my throat has been run over by a stampede of frogs.”

“That’s quite an odd metaphor.”

“Well it’s the truth.” And just to prove his sickly state, he coughed dramatically, wheezing and making such a din that nobody would have thought he was sick at all.
Anita stood up and pulled the covers off his head and giggled when she saw Alex’s best impression of a sick man. His was squinting his eyes and crinkling his lips, allowing a small strand of saliva to dribble down his jaw.

“Prince Alex, you look more like a fish than you do a sickly person. Get up!”

Alex pulled the sheets out of her hands and yanked them over his head again.

“No, I quite like it in this bed.”

Anita pulled the covers off his head and flicked him on the forehead. Alex winced and put a hand to his face.

“If you don’t get up and get some fresh air, you’ll never feel better!”

“You Corinians and your barbaric sense of remedy,” Alex answered. He stuck out his tongue at her and pulled the sheets back over his head.

“You Marithans and your sense of laziness!” Anita answered. She pulled the covers off him nearly completely. Alex sat up, his hair clingy with static. The strands of his curly brown hair were practically standing on end. The sight of him was so funny to her that Anita started laughing hysterically.

“What’s so funny?” Alex demanded.

“Oh nothing, “Anita gasped, “I just never knew that your hair was so hilarious!”

“What? My hair is not hilarious-“Alex looked at his reflection on a mirror hanging on the wall. “Good heavens! Well now I have a reason to hide myself. If you will excuse me...” he began to pull the sheets back.

“Oh no, you don’t! “ Anita leaned forward to grab the sheets, but apparently Alex was expecting that.

“Got you!” Alex shouted. He took his blanket and started rubbing it all over Anita’s head, ruining her well brushed hair.

“What the- no! Stop that! It tickles!” Anita giggled.

She tried to push him away but instead found herself falling onto the bed with flop. She lay there for a few moments, not knowing what to do with herself. She eventually sat up and caught herself staring into Alex’s eyes. And to her surprise, he was staring back. He leant forward a bit and touched the back of his hand to her cheek, brushing a strand of hair away from her face. For a brief second Anita felt that she was seeing a side of Alex she had never seen before. Her heart fluttered and she suddenly felt very out of place. She blushed slightly and started muttering something incoherent, which caused Alex to wonder what on earth was happening. He and Anita were in a room. Together. In a bed.

Alone.

Where the heck was Jean?

Alex quickly drew back and scowled. The fool had purposely let them alone by themselves in a hope that the two would suddenly grow an attraction for each other.

And it was working.

“Anita,” Alex hissed, “Where is Jean?”

“Oh, he said that he had important business to attend to so he left me alone with you…” Alex could instantly see her facial expression as the situation clicked together in her mind. “Alone! Oh goodness, I am so sorry! When you woke up I was so excited that I forgot my politeness. Oh, I am so sorry-“

Alex stopped her rant by pressing a finger to her mouth.

“You talk too much. Now get off my bed.”

Anita obeyed and hopped off, slightly disappointed that Alex had reverted back to his stone cold self again.

“It won’t happen again, I assure you.” Anita said.

Alex nodded and hopped out of bed, glad that he was still dressed in his formal attire and not sleep wear. They were both regaining their composure when they heard a knock on the door. Anita and Alex jumped and cried, “Who is it?”

The door opened to reveal Jean and King Alexander. His Highness dropped his jaw and pointed a finger at Anita and said with a befuddled look on his face,”When I came up here to check on my son I wasn’t expecting to see you, Princess Anita. What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I sent her up here to make sure Alex was sleeping well. He must have just awakened, isn’t that right Anita?” Jean said.

Anita was shocked, but she simply nodded her head.

“Yes, that’s right. If you will excuse me I shall be on my way,” Anita mumbled. She started for the door but Jean grabbed her by the shoulder. Jean’s eyes took a quick glimpse at Alex and he smiled to himself as if he had just thought of something brilliant.

“Alex, how are you feeling?” Jean said.

Alex raised his eyebrow and folded his arms before answering, “It depends on what you plan on having me do.”

Jean chuckled and gently shoved Anita in Alex’s personal direction, his eyes sparkling.

“If your sense of humor has returned I’d say that you are in perfect condition. Why don’t you take Princess Anita for a walk through the palace garden, then? She’s been dying to see it.”

The king’s befuddled look turned into a pleased one, and he clapped his hands together.

“Yes, the garden! You would like that wouldn’t you, princess.” King Alexander said.

Anita curtsied before the king, her head low. Of course she had been longing to see it, but with the latest embarrassing drama she had just experienced she wasn’t sure if she was up to the task of being alone with Alex. She looked over at the irritated prince and immediately decided it would not be a good idea to be alone with him. Before she could decline Jean’s suggestion, however, Alex nodded his head.

“I think a walk would be a decent idea, after I eat breakfast of course,” Alex said.
Apparently King Alexander was not expecting this, because he drew back and took a sharp breath. Alex rolled his eyes.

“Yes, well if today’s plans are decided, I will ask you to leave now. A man must groom himself you know,” Alex said. Anita watched as Alex gently nudged his father into the doorway, and then moved on to Jean, deliberately pushing him a little harder. Jean didn’t seem to mind all that much, really, which made Alex want to punch him. Before he shut the princess, the advisor, and his father out of his room, he only said, “Oh, and I am hungry. I am feeling like pancakes if that isn’t too much trouble.” Then he slammed the door in their faces.

Anita laughed, and was surprised to know that she hadn’t enjoyed herself this much in ages. There was no way she was giving up on Alex now; he had shown her too much of his good side for her to abandon the thought of marriage. She bent forward to the door and shouted,

“I’ll be sure to tell the cook to put extra blueberries on the pancakes!”

Alex opened the door a crack and regarded her quizzically.

“I don’t like blueberries.”

And he slammed the door again. Anita smiled and succumbed to the idea that they could be friends after all.

Alex opened the door and threw a brush at Anita, who barely caught it before it hit her face. He motioned to the brush, and then to her hair.

“It’s not ladylike to walk around with a birds nest on your head, princess. You should comb it more often.” Alex said dryly. He shut the door again. Anita pursed her lips and sighed.

“Then again, maybe not.”

___________________________

-Reviews are appreciated!
It's writing prompt week on my blog a very random pickle!:
http://veryrandompickle.blogspot.com/




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 8135
Reviews 31
Fantastic once again!! I personally couldn't find any faults with it, but considering it's almost 2am in my part of the world, my eyes are a bit fuzzy :D The banter between Alex and Anita is well done as well. You can tell that they really do like each other, but neither want to admit it to the other. Plus, they are supposed to have 'others' to care about (I want to know about Anita's other!!! :D)

One question though - did Anita put the mushroom onto Alex's plate? Or was it someone evil trying to kill the prince - GASP - was it Robert? Is he really the evil brother determined to get Anita married to Alex and then kill him off so he can rule the country??? Oooo.....lol

Once again, well done. Can't wait for part 8! (No rhyming pun intended!!)
I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.
Chaucer, A Knight's Tale

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
Oscar Wilde




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 42906
Reviews 240
Esther!
I don't think there's a need for an introduction anymore, right?

Characters:

You've developed Anita and Alex fairly well through these seven chapters. You haven't exactly stereotyped either of them, which is good. You've especially done well with the realistic communication between the two main characters. I'm glad that you haven't pushed the relationship between them!
Here is how I sum up the two MCs. This may help, since it might show you exactly what your readers think/feel about the characters, and if they think of them the same as you do.
Anita:

-Pretty
-Sharp (in actions)
-Charming
-Witty
-Straight-forward

Alex:

-Clumsy
-Clueless!
-Simple
-Defensive

(I'll probably add more words later if I can think of them!)


How The Story is Coming/Plot:


Be careful that this isn't becoming a drag...I think your story is closer to becoming a drag and isn't close at all to being on the rush side, which I am definitely in one way or another glad about. Most people tend to rush their stories. I actually found myself skimming through some of the dialog this time; but maybe that was because of my excitement, haha. But always take out unneeded dialog if it doesn't build Anita and Alex's relationships at all or if it doesn't progress the plot by this point in the story, since you don't want your readers to get bored. I hope that the climax will be at the next chapter. Because if it isn't...you might want to pick up the pace!
I still hold myself to my opinion; this story is coming very well! I'm still hooked, trust me.

Keep up the good work. Hope I'm still helping!

~KD
Last edited by Kaedee on Mon May 31, 2010 1:47 am, edited 1 time in total.
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
*_______*




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 49725
Reviews 155
Thank you! You both helped a lot. KD, thank you for warning me about plot drag. I am a little aware of it, but I wasn't sure if I was pushing it or not. I am planning to have an important plot point in the next chap.

A, fall asleep! And thank you.
It's writing prompt week on my blog a very random pickle!:
http://veryrandompickle.blogspot.com/




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 8135
Reviews 31
Esther Sylvester wrote:Thank you! You both helped a lot. KD, thank you for warning me about plot drag. I am a little aware of it, but I wasn't sure if I was pushing it or not. I am planning to have an important plot point in the next chap.

A, fall asleep! And thank you.


As long as this story never ends, I'm more than happy for the plot to drag :D Just include lots of forbidden moments between the As!! :D And am off to bed now, but only to write. Can't stop someone who's on a roll! :D
I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.
Chaucer, A Knight's Tale

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
Oscar Wilde




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2063
Reviews 37
Hey I really love this story. i love Anita she is really strong-willed and also very sweet. Prince Alex wish i could find out more about his story..Elise? loved there talk love all of your chapters and can't wait for the next.
bye bye
"It is better to write for yourself and have no public than to write for the public and have no self."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6235
Reviews 2631
Hey hey ^^ I haven't read the other installments but I'll see what advice I can give :)

He must be dreaming, she thought with disappointment. (She also thought, My, have his eyelashes always been that long? But she didn’t deign admit it to herself.) She was about to lean back again when she heard Alex mutter something.
I found this a little awkward to read and had to take a second look. I think changing your punctuation and tweaking the wording would help, maybe:

(She also thought; My, have his eyelashes always been that long?; but didn’t deign admit it to herself.)

The italics would then also be optional and slightly unecessary.

“He held you like a knight carrying a princess from distress.”
Loving the dialogue so far, particularly the section where Alex is dreaming. There's enough intrigue and development there to keep anyone occupied. This line seems a little wrong though. Perhaps rescueing a princess or else carrying a princess in distress?

“What? My hair is not hilarious-“Alex looked at his reflection on in a mirror hanging on the wall. “Good heavens! Well now I have a reason to hide myself. If you will excuse me...” he began to pull the sheets back.


Annnnd that's all the ni-picks that I came across. You've got an excellent talent for dialogue and humour, a good sense of tension and there's a satisfying build of intrigue and mystery. The description seems perhaps a tiny bit sparse but about right for this progression of a novel. I'm sure the characters have been described much earlier and as long as you build on that with tiny reminders, you'll do fine. Better than fine. I've enjoyed reading this.

An area I'd suggest working on is perhaps being less obvious about their feelings for each other or if you want that to be a focal point then have them worry more often about these 'others' I take it they're supposed to marry. Have them withdraw and hold off more but at the same time try to probe each other. I'd like to know the thoughts of at least one character and something deeper than just a dip into the whole 'I like him but can't say' thing.

Overall, very good writing. If you have any questions or requests, feel free to pm me,

Heather xx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2303
Reviews 12
Fight the inevitable Alex! Fight it! The sleep talking was funny. The best thing that I've ever heard someone say in their sleep is "I can't find my four bristled fruit brush!" You know the person who said this so if you put it in, it would be amusing to see his face when he read it. But that would be a very inside joke. I'm also going to take a stab in the dark at Elise. Some time in the past there was two friends Elise and Alex. One day they took a walk to some lake (possibly with out permission) while they were playing Alex gave Elise a friendly push. Elise falls in the lake a drowns leaving Alex reluctant to be friendly with any girl since.

The only thing that I didn't like was when you switched perspectives. Some kind of warning, such as a break between the two, would be nice. What I did like is how all of Alex's efforts are doomed to fail. All of the dialog, I think, makes the characters seem real, after all, most people don't fall in love over night or just having a few ten word conversations with each other.
"There's nothing much to punctuation a sentence, really, beyond a little comma sense."
-Woe Is I




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4694
Reviews 30
Okay so i think i was totally off track with the Alex being gay thing. I'm so excited to read more! Just so long as you avoid squirrely's advice, I would have to stop reading if Alex was avoiding Anita because some girl pushed him in a lake. But i love the way you continue to develop the characters and the relationship you created between them
Please post more!!
Zib
:elephant:
"His poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 49725
Reviews 155
Thanks guys, I appreciate all of the help! Since now I am back from vacation I should be able to post more now! Thanks again.
It's writing prompt week on my blog a very random pickle!:
http://veryrandompickle.blogspot.com/



She conquered her demons and wore her scars like wings.
— Atticus