Very Short Showing Work

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She runs as fast as she possibly can, turning corners, dodging obstacles,
trying to insert as much distance as possible. She throws open a door, only
to find a long, dark corridor with many more doors. She sprints down it,
opening one at random and peering inside, judging. She enters cautiously.
Her heart races, perspiration pouring down her back. She is fighting for
breath now, most of her energy exerted from the past hour’s events.

It is a large bedroom, obviously unused. All furniture, very ornate, is
covered in a thick layer of dust. Inhaling fully, the stench of old camphor
mothballs and something else unknown enters sharply into her nostrils. Her
eyes zip across the room as she desperately searches for a place of refuge
and concealment. They stop on a large wardrobe, tucked away in a corner
of the outsized room. She jogs to it, and yanks on the handle. It doesn’t
budge. Blood pounding in her ears and a small moan escaping from her
lips, she starts pulling on the handle with all her might, grunting from the
effort. Unexpectedly, the wardrobe doors burst open and she is thrown
back, falling in the middle of the floor.

Suddenly a beam of light reaches out from the depths of the wardrobe,
pulsing. Another ray is added. Another. And another. Her blood turns cold
as she stares deep inside, and she crawls, hurries to back up against the
far wall. A low hum is added now, reverberating around the room. Shafts of
light arc across the room, growing ever brighter and brighter. A small orb of
blue light is now pulsing at the core, so close yet so distant. Her breath is
rapid now, in short small bursts. Her heart is pounding, fighting its way out
of her chest. She starts to sob uncontrollably, something awakening deep
within her. The light is now beyond blinding. It fills her to the brim, now part
of her, electricity flowing through her veins, a low pulsing throughout the
room. A metallic taste hits her palate and a liquid fills her mouth as her
jaws tense against the pressure…
Last edited by David Guinness on Sun Aug 27, 2006 12:43 am, edited 3 times in total.




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Nice start, good descriptions. Who is "she"? Anyway, it's good so far, can't wait to see more.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.




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Oh! NO telling sentences that I can see. :wink:

Are you going to elaborate and make this a story, David?
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Good description and no spelling mistakes that I can see. I have to say this is pretty good. It's confusing but thats only because of the short start. I'll be looking out for the next part.
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I suggest reformating this here, so it's easier to read; break it up into paragraphs, that are separated by line breaks. I like this, and with your cliff hanger it has left me wondering, who is the girl, why is she running, and what is happening to her...

Keep it up.
EL
You couldn't parallel park if your life depended on it, so it's unfortunate that, due to the alien invaders' strange emphasis on motorist competence, that's exactly what it comes down to.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.




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Thank you all. I actually did have it in paragraph format, but apparently I don't know how to use the "PRE" function correctly, because it did exactly the opposite of what it suggested. I'll investigate... *Fixed* (I think...)

This work was written only for the benefit of my language teacher, but it actually pleased me, so I think I'll add on in the near future.

Is the last sentence of the writing clear to understand?
David Guinness




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YAY...formatted.

To answer your question, yes the last sentance is clear. Actually I quite like it, its very descriptive.

EL
You couldn't parallel park if your life depended on it, so it's unfortunate that, due to the alien invaders' strange emphasis on motorist competence, that's exactly what it comes down to.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.




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Thanks, Elephant! ...Is there any way to indent?...

Good. I'm glad. A friend of mine didn't get it, but he was half-asleep at the time, so... :lol:
David Guinness




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There is no way to indent on this forum that I know of. You might want to ask one of the Mods though, but I doubt it.

Now onto the story...Interesting start, I set to watch this topic so see where it goes. The ending line is perfectly clear to me.

Fauste
I don't like leaving my country Doug, and I especially don't like leaving it for anything less then sandy beaches, and cocktails with little straw hats.

Yes, London. You know: fish, chips, cup 'o tea, bad food, worse weather, Mary ***king Poppins... LONDON.




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There is no way to indent on this forum that I know of. You might want to ask one of the Mods though, but I doubt it.

Now onto the story...Interesting start, I set to watch this topic so see where it goes. The ending line is perfectly clear to me.

Fauste
I don't like leaving my country Doug, and I especially don't like leaving it for anything less then sandy beaches, and cocktails with little straw hats.

Yes, London. You know: fish, chips, cup 'o tea, bad food, worse weather, Mary ***king Poppins... LONDON.



Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.
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