The Boy That Plays With My Heart #1

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Title: The Boy That Plays With My Heart

Chapter One.

Taylor's POV.

I sat in class ready to fall asleep any minute. I mean I love school, I'm smart, talented and have good grades it's just our math teacher is sooooo boring. Seriously, just after a minute of talking to her, you realise how much interesting your life was without her. She's not just the most boring but the most annoying and mean teacher in the whole school, everyone hates her. So I mean I used to love maths until this year I got her as my teacher.

Suddenly a paper aeroplane landed on my table, I turned around at now red with holding back laughter enemy of mine. Jasper. I unfolded the paper aeroplane and in the middle was a message which I knew would be stupid right away when it came from my ex-bestfriend and now a life long enemy.

Hey there fasty, you know the way you're sitting there it makes you look even uglier than I thought you already were. But oh well, life goes on.
Jasper


My face went red after I read it. I mean am I that ugly that he has to say it to me 24/7? Boys say that I'm cute and stuff, but his comments always hurt me. It's like somewhere deep down we're still Tay and Jay the childhood friends.

I looked back at him, he was laughing his head of with his friends at my expression and the way I blushed I guess. I ripped the page up and went up to throw it in the bin, I wanted it to look like I don't care, but I knew that my face was burning with how red I was. I sat down just to get hit by another paper aeroplane. I wanted to rip it to pieces but my suspicion wouldn't allow me to, so I just had to look.

Oh did I upset little Tay? Oh I'm sor- just kidding I'm not sorry. So just so we won't get bored, are you still a virgin? Hmmm....cause I can make my friends change that you know some say they even like you and maybe if you put some make up on...hmm you might look prettier.
Jasper


Oh god why does he have to be so damn annoying. He's such a pain in the ass. I hate this kind of boys and their stupid comments. His little Bad Boys gang are all sexists, they don't care about girls, they just use them and then throw them away like dirty socks. I looked up at Jasper who had his trade mark smirk on, which I wanted to slap away. He keeps making me so angry. How could we have ever been bestfriends? I guess I was blind back then.
******************
Jasper POV.

I sat there smirking at Taylor, who just got my second paper plane. She blushed deep red and my friends started laughing. She was actually cute when she blushed. Wait what the hell am I thinking oh man, hello she's Taylor the smart-ass I hate!

She turned away from me, letting her long wavy, brown hair create a wall between us. This annoyed me, I don't know why but it just did. I missed her chocolate-like eyes starring at me and her beautiful creamy white skin shining from the sun-rais. What the?!? I pushed the weird thoughts that were appearing in my mind away.

"Watch this" I heard my mate Cay say. I turned towards him, he got out of him seat quietly while Mrs Cranghertlon was writing on the board and giving everyone a boring lecture about algebra or something like that.

Cay crept behind Taylor, trying to hold back his laughter. She didn't notice him, what the hell is he doing? Suddenly he put his hands around his waste and then under her shirt and going further up. Tayler screamed and jumped up, making Cay fall to the ground laughing. Yeah we did this kind of things to her dayle. Everyone in the class looked at her, but she didn't care about them. She turned towards me with such hatred in her eyes that my smile faded from my face. She launched herself at me, knocking me to the ground sitting on me, well I sort of liked this position. She punched me in the face, that girl has a good right hook, she punches so damn hard. Right then Cay and Lukas pulled her of me.
*****************
Taylor POV

It felt so good to punch him, but it seemed like it didn't hurt him at all. When I wanted to repeat my actions someone pulled me of him. I started kicking and groaning, but they wouldn't let me go. Why did they just have to this kind of sick things to me? And let me tell it happened everyday. Even if it was Cay who did it, he was from Jasper's group and I hate Jasper so it seemed okay for me to punch him. Just then the bell rang.

"Let me go pee-head" I referred to Cay, the giant boy without brain. The one that just..you know touched me under my shirt, seriously, if they don't stop this I'll go crazy. Cay let me go and helped Jasper up.

"No,no,no Miss Hamilton and Mr Andrews you stay behind" Mrs Cranghertlon said, and both me and Jasper grounded loudly to show her how annoyed we were about that.
She waited until everyone got out of class and the turned towards us.

"You can not keep doing this, your fighting is unbearable now. So as a punishment you two are going to play the lead roles in our new school romance musical" Mrs Cranghertlon said clapping her hands and jumping up and down like a small kid.

"Look teacher, I ain't gonna do it, find a different circus monkey for it" Jasper said.
"Now if you two are not going to do it I will expel you for fighting do you want that? And I need you two to do the roles because you are perfect for them, and don't worry you won't make fools of you self I know that you both can sing very nicely." Well I sort of always wanted to be in a musical, just not with Jasper, but I guess its better than getting expelled.

I nodded and Mrs Cranghertlon smiled at me and then looked at Jasper. "Okay whatever." Jasper mumbled.

"This is amazing kids. This years musical is going to be perfect! I'll be expecting you in the theater hall tomorrow during your 5th period, come on time" She said and skipped away from class happily. Sorry I forgot to mention that she is responsible for the drama club.

Jasper smirked "Well I guess we're going to be spending alot of time together, Ay!" He said and left the class.
"Yey, how much I wished for that" I squealed, please note the sarcasm.
"I heard that" Jasper shouted from the corridor. I immediately blushed. Well isn't my life great?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hey Guys, I got inspired last night to write this story, I'm still working on it, please help me to improve my first chapter:) Please comment. I hope you liked it.
Ikafe:)
"Even in the darkness, my heart will you..."
"How do you escape from yourself?"
"...open your eyes, and see..."

Ikafe




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Hey Ikafe! I am back once again for a review! (Story spoilers abound!)

So, you have yet another novel in the works! Are you working on your others? Sometimes it is better to concentrate on one or two novels so you don't get overwhelmed.

With that aside, I liked this. I am looking forward to the next chapter if you write it. Let's get down to the nitty gritty stuff.

PLOT/FLOW: A cute romance novel with perhaps a supernatural twist, I am guessing. (Since she didn't hurt the boy when she popped him in the jaw.;) It's cute, but you have some flow issues here. You seem to go into detail with certain parts then suddenly change the subject without any transition. My biggest example is when the teacher suggests that Tay and that jerk boy both join the drama club. She just says it out of the blue, without any follow up. You don't tell us if the teacher is mad or anything, she just says, "Hey! Join the Romantic Play we are having!" It makes the reader go, "HUH?", and trust me, you don't want them doing that. Besides that, the interaction between the two characters is interesting and detailed enough to keep us interested. Just make sure you have more detail when you get to a plot point.

CHARACTERS: I like the MC, but nobody else yet. Cay and Jasper are absolutely unlikable, and I find that it will be incredibly difficult to redeem them. Since I'm guessing Jasper is going to be the main love interest, I suggest you make him more relateable. I noticed that you gave him some internal conflict with his emotions. That's good. Also, you may want to proof read the parts where he is debating to himself about how cute Tay is. For example:

I sat there smirking at Taylor, who just got my second paper plane. She blushed deep red and my friends started laughing. She was actually cute when she blushed. Wait what the hell am I thinking oh man, hello she's Taylor the smart-ass I hate!


You went from past tense to present tense here, no good. Stick to one tense to increase readability.

Also, the teacher seems to be subject to severe mood swings. You describe her as evil, but her dialogue is really really chipper!

STUFF I LIKED:

The notes that Jasper sent to Tay are very cute. You may want to ease up on the jerk-butt-ness of it though, to make him more likable.

The plot is easy to understand and interesting.

I like the MC.

STUFF I DIDN'T LIKE:

The part where the boy puts his hand up the girl's shirt is too much. It was in the middle of class for Pete's sake! Nobody can get away with that, seriously. Edit.

OVERALL:

Good job once again Ikafe! Give your story more description. Make the male characters more likable. Nobody would want to be friends with Jasper at any point, no matter how naive they are, which seems to be your excuse for your MC. Get rid of the teacher's mood swings. Overall, good job! Post more!
It's writing prompt week on my blog a very random pickle!:
http://veryrandompickle.blogspot.com/




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I love this very much! Just like all your works! You do a great job at expressing her anger, and his confusion! You leave me wanting so much more! Private Message me when you post more! please!! Thanks!
-Lillian ( Because there are to many lilys! I need to be different!)

PS You might wanna check out my blog! I have a feeling you'll love it!!
Be yourself
And no one else
dance to the beat
and loose control
Never forget who you are
Be an unforgettable shining star*




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this is realy good x i like how it's set out. I thought it was fab
[i
lbabezhotieeeee!
][/i]




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Hey there. :)

I know it's been a while you posted this, but I'm still going to review. ;)

I looked back at him, he was laughing his head off with his friends at my expression and the way I blushed I guess.


"Watch this," I heard my mate Cay say.


I turned towards him, as he got out of him his seat quietly while Mrs Cranghertlon was writing on the board and giving everyone a boring lecture about algebra or something like that.


Suddenly he put his hands around her waste and then under her shirt and going further up.


Yeah, we did this kind of things to her daily.


Right then Cay and Lukas pulled her off me.


When I wanted to repeat my actions someone pulled me off him.

Okay, third time I see off with only one "f", I won't correct them if I see more, just check please. :)

The one that just..you know touched me under my shirt. Seriously, if they don't stop this I'll go crazy.


And I need you two to do the roles because you are perfect for them, and don't worry you won't make fools of yourself I know that you both can sing very nicely."


Okay, this is a really good start. I liked the way you characterized your characters by their hate for each other. Apart from that, I didn't like the way the teacher responds to the fight. Honestly, I think a teacher would be screaming, and punishing, and going to see the principal after some student threw herself over another one to punch him... Maybe she could go the the principals office with them, and talk about there punishment, and then she could come up with that drama thing? Anyways, just an idea. The rest was good.

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466



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