The Lake House/ First Chapter

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*I think I am submitting this right, help me if I'm not. (: *

Name: Kayden Maline O’Connell
Age: 22
Residence: Northbend, Washington

This story is about my little sister, who was murdered when she was fifteen, and I seventeen. Her name was Kali, pronounced as you would say Cali for California. I searched for her killer, and didn’t come up empty handed. This story is about my love for my sister and how we were together through anything, even when our parents went through a rough stage, and when our brother was sent to fight in the Iraq War.

“Soon as we become alive,
death is waiting,”
-Flyleaf

Chapter 1:
“Kal-” Mrs. Morrison cut off while doing role. She looked at me, knowing that my sisters name was always before mine and that she wouldn’t be here anyway, since she was missing. “Kayden O’Connell?”
“Here.”
Kali has run off before, but not this long. She always would come back, always. Kali has been gone for a little less than a school week, which made me worry. I knew whenever she ran away, she would be gone for no more than 2 days, and stayed at my families lake house when she did. The stress level for me was doubling every hour, because every hour was another hour she was missing. I dreaded when school was going to be done in forty-five minutes, and I would go home, alone.
“Okay class, please take out your math homework from last night.” Mrs. Morrison asked us.
I grabbed my ROXY binder and pulled out my math homework. Math was pretty simple for me, every class was actually. I never had any problems in any class, and my grades are always higher than a B and Kali always was smarter, that’s why she was in my Senior math class while she was a Sophmore.
The class phone rang. Everyone looked up.
“Excuse me, class.” Mrs. Morrison walked to the phone.
“It’s probably something about Kal-” A beach blonde girl guessed. My glare cut her short. I turned back to my math and ran my slender fingers in through my long, auburn hair. The cold silk feeling calmed me down a bit.
Mrs. Morrison reluctantly hung up the phone. She looked up at me and nodded. I sighed and could feel tears forming behind my lashes. I put my homework on top of my binder and books and shoved my pencils in the zipper pouch. I gave Mrs. Morrison my math paper. The whole class didn’t move, didn’t talk. It felt like I was the only living thing in the room. They all knew...
I ran to my locker, not looking at my math class. Out of anger, I slammed my books in the turquoise locker, rattling the metal. My book bag was yanked out and stuffed full with books and binders. I closed up my locker, leaving some papers behind. My feet sped down the hallway, eager to the fate of my sister even though I might regret it. Closer and closer I got to the office, and the more clearer did the man in the office seem. It was Kam, my brother. His hair was the same color as mine, but cut into a buzz cut that soldiers always wear.
“Kam ” I yelled and ran to him. Kam turned and smiled. He was still in his army gear with his name tag saying his last name, “O’Connell”. I ran up to him and gave him a big hug, my tears starting to pour. He was only 5 years older than me, still very young.
“I can’t believe your home,” I cried.
“You better believe it, cause I’m going to be here for a while.” Kam laughed. He was always the funny guy of the family. “Lets go home.”
I whipped my tears off my face and grabbed my book bag. We walked out of the school doors and to his Ford truck. I don’t know to much about cars, so I couldn’t tell you all of the details. Kam opened the door to me, a real gentlemen, and I jumped in. He walked around to the other side or the car and jumped in. In that short time, Kali came back in my mind. This time, sticking. Something was up, and Kam wouldn’t come pick me up unless something terrible, or good happened.
The car shifted gears as we drove out of the school parking lot.
“How’s school for ya?” Kam asked.
“Eh, not exciting. How’s Iraq?” I asked.
“Really dirty, and dangerous.”
“Hmm,” I mumbled. I had nothing else to add.
Our conversation didn’t need to be long, since we were almost home already. Just about a mile away I would be home, again, without Kali. The rest of the ride was silent, and it was eerie feeling. Something was up, but I didn’t want to think the worst.
A “Welcome Home” sign was bolted up above the doorway to my house. My house was not mansion sized, but still pretty big. We had two floors, the whole thing was made of log. The gravel driveway shifted from the weight that was the truck. My mother who didn’t look like any of her children ran out. She had blonde hair and brown eyes, while the rest of us were auburn haired and blue eyed.
“Welcome home, sweetie ” She ran to Kam. Dad followed behind, totally missing me and acknowledging Kam. I remember I heard them one night, with Kali saying how they wished they had three sons that could make them proud. Ever since then, I haven’t seen them the same.
I slammed the truck door and walked to the Welcome Home sign. I opened the door and walked inside where the smell of pine trees was the scent that my Mom chose for the theme smell to be. She thought it was more “natural”. I walked past the kitchen, past the dining room to the staircase. I brought myself up the stairs to my room that was large. I had a King Sized bed with down feather comforter and pillows, and large flat screen screwed into the wall with a piece of plastic, my window took up most of my far wall, showing me the trees beyond our property, a walk in closet on my left if you walk in, full of clothes, and a large bookshelf and desk by the window.
I threw my backpack on the floor next to my desk and sat on my bed and looked out.
“Kayden? Please come down here please?” Mom hollered at me. I sighed, worrying about the outcome of walking downstairs, scared at what I may be told. I made my way downstairs, slowly as possible. My eyes wandered on every little cut and carving of wood on the hand rale and log walls. I traced the outlines and remembered times me and Kali would chase each other around the house and how Mom would yell at us to stop, or we would hurt ourselves. A little tear fell down my cheek.
Once I was able to see my family, I noticed they were all sitting at the table, Dad at one end, Mom the other, Kam sitting on the side with an empty chair next to him, and two more across him. I looked down, something bad was happening. I pulled out a chair that was closest to Mom and sat. Mom and Dad looked stern, while Kam didn’t look up at all.
“We need to tell you something,” Dad told me, looking cautious on how he was going to say it. My breathing quickened.
“Your sister-” Mom began to say.
“No You are lying She isn’t dead She just ran away She will come back ” I couldn’t help myself. The salty tears dripped down my cheek.
“Kayden, listen to me She is dead They found her while you were in school She was at the lake house Officials have confirmed it as an accident ” Mom yelled over me.
“Liar You liar ” I screamed.
“Kayden Stop it right now ” Dad screamed at me.
“You don’t care about Kali You don’t care about me ”
“Yes we do, honey, it is a great loss,” Mom tried to calm me down.
“No you don’t I remember one night we heard you two talking about how you wished you had three sons so you could be proud of all three of them ” Then was quiet. Kam looked up at them, disgusted.
“Is that true?” He asked.
“Ask them.” I told him, tears dripping down my cheeks.
“Is it?” Kam raised his voice. Mom and Dad didn’t say anything.
“Kayden, go get some of your stuff, you are coming with me for now.” Kam ordered me.
“You can’t take her away ” Mom cried.
“Do you want this to go to court?” Kam asked. The rest of the talk was muffled when I was upstairs. I went to my closet and grabbed out a big suitcase and stuffed everything in it. Shirts, pants, shoes, make-up, underwear, everything. I zipped it up and grabbed my Ipod, cell phone, and my book bag. My black purse was taken with me too. I dragged my bag down the stairs and on each stair, it made a plunk sound. Kam was waiting for me, and Mom was crying on the couch while Dad was trying to comfort her.
“Come on,” Kam took my suitcase and helped me out the door.
Katie ^-^




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So, here I am, having waded through your lengthy story.
Umm, so I am brutally honest, please do not have your feelings hurt by the torrent of corrections that will follow.

Firstly, That little paragraph at the beginning is nice enough, but you ramble a bit. It seems sort of out-of-place. So I would say separate it with spaces. Make it stand out as the Prologue. Also, I don't think you need to mention how Kali is supposed to be pronounced. It is extraneous information.

Secondly, you have various misuses of words. For example: "Families" should be "Family's". When you put "Whipping", I think you actually meant "wiping", which would make more sense. Try proof reading for further errors.

The stress level for me was doubling every hour, because every hour was another hour she was missing. I dreaded when school was going to be done in forty-five minutes, and I would go home, alone.

I would suggest rewording this like so: "Every passing hour with my sister missing meant a raise in my stress levels. I dreaded the end of school when I would have to go home, alone." This is not neccessarily the best rewording, but you get the idea.

Numbers should always be written out in words, and you changed tense a lot. You did a lot of past progressive to present progressive and back switching.

Alright, skipping to the bottom:
You used almost no punctuation in the four-way conversation and I found it extremely confusing. Punctuation is your friend!

and now on to plot holes:
If Kam is in his army gear, that implies to me that he came over from where ever he was stationed which would only happed if something really terrible had happened, like his sister dissappearing/turning up dead. If such a thing were to happen, I doubt he'd be smiling and laughing. Unless, of course, you added key words like "half-heartedly" and imply that he is only faking this laid-back thing so as not to freak Kayden out.

and now, on to my dissappointment:
You rushed the emotional scene. It took you six paragraphs to describe things of minimal importance and then you rushed through the conversation in only a paragraph or so. I was saddened greatly. There was not nearly enough confusion on Kam's part, not enough denial on the parents' parts, and not enough of a build-up of pent-up anger on Kayden's part. This last sentence is all my opinion, of course. However, I feel like, by cutting the scene so short, you really rob the reader of a chance to get to know the main character and her family.

And lastly, the generally good things:
I rather like your plot idea so far.
The matter-of-fact tone in the prologue-type-part was good.
I like the character development so far.
You have good details, even if you they are a bit extraneous in places. :] (I'm actually kind of jealous because I'm always told I don't have nearly enough.)
The fact that you used proper nouns like "ROXY" and "iPod" is awesome because it makes the story more real to the reader.

So, over-all this was decently-good. It has potential, and I look forward to see where you go from here. It is rather lengthy, but I already mentioned that in the PM I sent you...
So, I guess I'm done here!!
Again, WELCOME!!!
& Keep writing!!
Toodles!
~emerley
My sister: I'll never forget that day... It was raining wasn't it?
Me: ...no.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need a review? PM me and I will take care of it. :]

**previously known as EAHailstone**




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Thanks a ton, again! (:
Katie ^-^



A wizard is never late. Nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
— Gandalf