The Savior with a Black Wing

Not much I can comment on for this one. I formatted it out so there shouldn't be too much wrong with it.


The Savior with a Black Wing
The sun was just beginning to set as I was walking home. I looked around and enjoyed myself as much as I could before I arrived home. My walks home were the only time I was happy.
At home there were two screaming kids and a mom that was always yelling at me to do more and spend less. At high school the kids all teased me about being the littlest and wimpiest out of the whole class. Wimpy shrimp was my name there.
After school it was straight to work, where I had the great privilege of scooping ice cream for whining little kids, and having my boss tell me what a terrible job I was doing. I had no time for myself, and my walks home from work were my only time to unwind and calm down without someone calling me lazy, ungrateful, or....
"Hey, wimpy shrimp!"
I froze, and prayed that it wasn't who I thought it was. But I saw Bobby and Dave coming in my direction, beer bottles in their hands freshly bought with their dad’s money. They were clearly as drunk as could be, and it was late at night when everyone else had gone home. Thanks again God.
"Hey," said Bobby to Dave, slurring his words. "What’s a little shrimp doing out at such a late time? It could get hurt."
"Da, your right man," he said, coming up behind me. "We should teach it a lesson for its own good."
Before that I had watched them warily, but as soon as he said that, I made a break for it and was slammed against a brick wall. Ruefully I rubbed my face as I stumbled to my feet.
"I don’t think so. Shrimp that try and get away get hurt. Bad. Hee hee." Among the other things in my head I was trying to figure out what Dave had said.
He took a swing at me, and I managed to dodge it. His fist hit the wall with force of a sledgehammer. I tried to run again, and was again slammed against the wall. But this time they both backed up and reached into their leather coats.
"Now we done gotta give you the big punishment.” said Bobby, taking out a silver gun and pointing it at me. Danny did the same "Hope we don’t hit anything important.” He laughed to Bobby. Fat chance, I thought. With both of them drunk, they will kill me whether they mean to or not. They aimed their guns at me and said in a bad western voice "Say your prayers."
Like that ever did anything for me before, I thought. But staring down two barrels, I thought I’d give it a shot. What could I lose? As the triggers were pulled I could feel my life flash before me. “Lord please save me. I don’t’ want to die yet.” I closed my eyes, and waited for the impact of bullets hitting me. But it didn’t come.
I opened my eyes, and my mouth fell open. In front of me was a tall figure, with a wide sword with two bullets embedded in it. He was tall and muscular, like a football player, but what caught my eye were the two wings that were coming out of his black coat.
The one on the left had golden feathers, and gave off a gentle glow.
The one on the right looked like the shadow of a wing, the same blackness you get when you shut your eye tight. The two guys were totally blown away, but Bobby got his mouth working first.
"Hey dude, don’t try and be a hero. Get out of the way!" The figure didn’t speak. Instead he extended the shadow wing out as far as it would go, about 4 feet, and showed the two guys the inside. They both started screaming and tripped over their feet as they ran away as fast as they could.
Satisfied, he pulled his shadow wing back behind his back, sheathed his sword, and turned to the terrified me.
"Why did you take so long to call for help?" he said in a kind voice, and I looked at his face. It was strong, yet gentle, like a father’s, and he seemed to have hair the same color as his golden wing.
"How.... Why..... They?" I said meekly.
"They will not be back,” he said, extending his golden wing.
"Here, you look terrified."
The golden wing extended until it was the size of a quilt, then he turned, and the wing came at me and wrapped around me like a blanket. It was warm and soft, and I forgot all my fears and cares, and nestled into the endless sea of feathers.
His voice came through the bliss. "In all that, it never occurred to you to ask God for help?"
"No." I said, a bit ashamed. "He has never helped me before no matter how bad my life has been."
He was silent for a moment, then told me.

"As you might have guessed, I am an angel, sent from heaven. When I first came to heaven, I could not remember what had happened during my life. All I knew was that beyond the gates was infinite happiness. I didn’t expect that they wouldn’t allow me in. I asked why, and was told that I did not ask for God during my life. So the evil that happened during my life fused with my soul, and no evil could enter heaven," his voice became sad.

"The pain I felt then was so great that I wanted to destroy myself completely and know no more. I cried out for the chance of getting into heaven, or my own destruction. My cry was heard, and they told me I could put my evil to good use."
"The black wing." I said, remembering how scared the guys were when they saw it.
"All the evils of my past life sealed into one form. They found enough good in my life to make an angel wing, and gave me the job of making people whose life was unfair see things straight. When they gave me the job, they thought it was ironic. Well, we are here."
The wing around me started to recoil away, and I found myself standing in front of my house. The figure turned and extended his golden wing out again.
"It’s always a joke when I hear how bad things are. Things always get better, and there is a good chance that anyone who tries to do their best receives eternal happiness. I have been doing this job for 500 years. This job, and the hope that it gives, is the only thing saving me from the utmost despair."
He wrapped his wing around himself, and the wing compressed and got smaller and smaller, until all that remained was a single golden feather. I reached down to pick it up, but the wind got it first and carried it away into the sky.

This is a really good story and I applaude you for it! However, your writing style is quite anti-social; you don't tell us what the character is feeling, and it's a lot more telling than showing. You can find a helpful article on that here -> topic41426.html
You have to tell us what the character is feeling or we'll feel detatched from the story, and that's no way to get your writing across. You need to shove the things happening down our throat. I imagine that if you were being held at gunpoint that you'd feel quite an amount of fear. You need to take the time to descripe the fear the character is feeling to the audience, to reach down and grip our hearts so we can imagine and feel the same things the character is.
At the start, you were very good at duplicating a train of thought and telling us needed information at the same time. You have a very good imaginiation, I'd love to see more stories like this on YWS, so keep writing and I'll be looking for more of your work!! Don't keep me waiting!

~Durrs

P.S. - I'm 'liking' this work

Hey Riven

First, the boring stuff:

Riveneye wrote: The sun was just beginning to set as I was walking home. I looked around and enjoyed myself as much as I could before I arrived home. My walks home were the only time I was happy.

You've used "home" consecutively too close to each other (three times), interupting the flow of the story. In fact, have you considered merging those three sentences into one? "I was enjoying my walk home; the sun was just beginning to set, and the orange glow that it cast on everything only heightened my happiness."

Riveneye wrote: At home there were two screaming kids and a mom that was always yelling at me to do more and spend less. At high school the kids all teased me about being the littlest and wimpiest out of the whole class. Wimpy shrimp was my name there.

Same as before, you use the word "kid/s" too many times. Twice here, and then once again below. Could you find another descriptive word instead of yelling? It relates too closely to screaming. Perhaps, "demanding" fits better. If that's his nickname, it should be fully capitalized, "Wimpy Shrimp"

Riveneye wrote: After school it was straight to work, where I had the great privilege of scooping ice cream for whining little kids, and having my boss tell me what a terrible job I was doing. I had no time for myself, and my walks home from work were my only time to unwind and calm down without someone calling me lazy, ungrateful, or....

Solid paragraph.

Riveneye wrote: I froze, and prayed that it wasn't who I thought it was. But I saw Bobby and Dave coming in my direction, beer bottles in their hands freshly bought with their dad’s money. They were clearly as drunk as could be, and it was late at night when everyone else had gone home. Thanks again God.

Hmm. . . "drunk as can be" seems like really lazy language in the middle of a large amount of conciously chosen words. Also should be, "and it was now late at night" as in the beginning you have set the time at around 6pm (sunset). The thanking God comment seems a bit misplaced, it doesn't seem to fit.

Riveneye wrote: "Da, your right man," he said, coming up behind me. "We should teach it a lesson for its own good."

"it's"

Riveneye wrote: Before that I had watched them warily, but as soon as he said that, I made a break for it and was slammed against a brick wall. Ruefully I rubbed my face as I stumbled to my feet.

Awkward wording. "I had watched them warily" should be placed somewhere before Dave speaks. Also, if Dave walks behind the main character, how can he watch both of them warily? And, how can Dave come up behind the MC when the MC is standing in front of a brick wall? I think perhaps more imagery is required to describe the setting. I don't believe he'd ruefully rub his/her face, maybe in anger etc. Regardless, he/she wouldn't be able to rub his/her face if they are stumbling to their feet. Where's the pain? Your MC just got shoved into a wall.

Riveneye wrote: He took a swing at me, and I managed to dodge it. His fist hit the wall with force of a sledgehammer. I tried to run again, and was again slammed against the wall. But this time they both backed up and reached into their leather coats.

Physics. Your body contains the force, so regardless of the material used, the force will be the same. "His fist hit the wall as if it was a sledgehammer, and the force of the punch shattered the bones in three of his knuckles." Because hitting a wall that hard would do that. Yet you never mention the repurcussions of doing so.

You've also used the words collectively "slammed against the/a wall" twice consequitively. Where is the emotion of the MC? Where is the descriptive language?

Riveneye wrote: "Now we done gotta give you the big punishment.” said Bobby, taking out a silver gun and pointing it at me. Danny did the same "Hope we don’t hit anything important.” He laughed to Bobby. Fat chance, I thought. With both of them drunk, they will kill me whether they mean to or not. They aimed their guns at me and said in a bad western voice "Say your prayers."

. . . if someone pulled a gun out and pointed it at me, I'd panic. No matter how retarded they were. Drunk people are more dangerous that sober people. And clearly you haven't been drunk before. Do a little bit of research, or write what you know. Being drunk does not lead to double vision (unless in severe cases). You're also missing a fair bit of punctuation through that paragraph.

Riveneye wrote: Like that ever did anything for me before, I thought. But staring down two barrels, I thought I’d give it a shot. What could I lose? As the triggers were pulled I could feel my life flash before me. “Lord please save me. I don’t’ want to die yet.” I closed my eyes, and waited for the impact of bullets hitting me. But it didn’t come.

Feel your life flash, or see your life flash?

Riveneye wrote: I opened my eyes, and my mouth fell open. In front of me was a tall figure, with a wide sword with two bullets embedded in it. He was tall and muscular, like a football player, but what caught my eye were the two wings that were coming out of his black coat.

If the angel has just stopped two bullets, and is standing directly in front of you, you wouldn't be able to see past his wings. Now if your character moved. . .

Riveneye wrote: The one on the right looked like the shadow of a wing, the same blackness you get when you shut your eye tight.

Love the description of the blackness.

Riveneye wrote: The two guys were totally blown away, but Bobby got his mouth working first.

Totally blown away? Lazy language.

Riveneye wrote: "Hey dude, don’t try and be a hero. Get out of the way!" The figure didn’t speak. Instead he extended the shadow wing out as far as it would go, about 4 feet, and showed the two guys the inside. They both started screaming and tripped over their feet as they ran away as fast as they could.

Again lazy language, "two guys", "ran away as fast as they could". There's so much potential in this story, and you're just not bringing it out. The way you've written it is too simple. Also, numbers lower than 100 are genenerally written out; "four".

Riveneye wrote: Satisfied, he pulled his shadow wing back behind his back, sheathed his sword, and turned to the terrified me.

See above in terms of having to have moved to see anything that went down.

Riveneye wrote: "How.... Why..... They?" I said meekly.

lol. I'm sure you can rewrite that better in a more believable way.

Riveneye wrote: "The black wing." I said, remembering how scared the guys were when they saw it.

"guys" = lazy.

Riveneye wrote: He wrapped his wing around himself, and the wing compressed and got smaller and smaller, until all that remained was a single golden feather. I reached down to pick it up, but the wind got it first and carried it away into the sky.

Love the ending.

So.

1) More descriptive language. This story could have been so much more.
2) Don't be lazy with words, try and spice your usual vocabulary up a bit.
3) Be careful with repitition, we don't want people pausing when reading and thinking, "Didn't I just read this a second ago in the last sentence?"
4) Things are always happening when people talk, don't forget to describe them.
5) Emotions. People feel them when stuff happens

I actually really like the moral of the story, and while it lacked descriptive language, it was still a well executed idea.

Keep on writing

- Jai

Thanks for all of the help so far. I actually didn't write this story a friend of mine did. He had me put it up on here and is having me edit it. Looks like I still have a lot of work left.

This is a very good story. Very good style and imagination. Sounds like a have-to-write-it story that you came up at 2 in the morning.
You should rush with the story SO much. Just put some more feelings in it. Explain why Bobby and Dave want to kill the character.
But besides that it's great.
See ya.

Oh! You said someone else wrote this? Okay, well... Either pass this on or use it yourself, I guess. XD

'The sun was just beginning to set as I was walking home' Seems to me like 'walked' would flow better than 'was walking'.

'I looked around and enjoyed myself as much as I could before I arrived home.' This isn't bad, but... It made me wonder. How does he enjoy himself while walking? Does he look up at the sky, watching the birds fly? Or does he focus on stepping one time and one time ONLY on each section of sidewalk? What about the walks makes him happy?

'do more and spend less' I like this.

'and was slammed against a brick wall.' How? Did they grab his shoulder and slam him against the wall, or did they trip him and make him fall into it?

'the same blackness you get when you shut your eye tight.' Good description! I actually squinted my eyes shut, thinking about it.

Great contrast between the affects the two wings have.

There are a couple punctuation mistakes, so this could use a little proofreading... Also, in some places I think some contractions would help the flow. Saying 'He has' and 'They will' sounds a little stiff for the kid. The angel can get away with it, though, 'cause he's more serious and solemn.

I think the main thing, though, is to elaborate on some things, especially in the beginning. Also, you could use a little more show and a little less tell.

This was really good! ^^ A little polishing couldn't hurt, but it's pretty good as is, too.

Thanks like I said before I think I'll put up a edited copy later today. I'm not going to keep it totally to myself. The same friend that wrote it is collaberating with me to put together a book of short stories.