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chapter one: the night he returned

The deep purple skies showed an absolute beauty. The greenery of the trees was unknown. You could only see the silhouette of every thing around you. But what some people call darkness is what I call beauty. Because night included a purple sky not a black one even on the night of a new moon.

So as I sat there on the tiny swing, soaking in the evening beauty. I noticed not the figure coming toward me but the trees, the black moon, and the purple sky.

"Sophie," the figure said.

The voice was one I didn't want to hear. I didn't look. I didn't want to listen, but I heard every word. He took a step forward and stood beneath the street light. He was a tall, skinny, light brown haired guy. He was Aoran Martinez aka ex-boyfriend that broke up with a text message.

I didn't see his face then and I don't want to see it now. I never wanted to see it again.

"Go away." I whispered.

"No," he replied.

"You left then, you can leave now."

"I'm not leaving."

"Why?" I asked harshly. "Something holding you down?"

"Yeah," he answered. I got up. I didn't want to hear it anymore. "You."

"That's not the right answer. The right answer would be that whatever we had is gone. Whatever mattered doesn't matter anymore. The right answer would be that we should leave right now. Good-Bye." I stomped away, but stomping did not compete with running. He caught me within the next ten steps. "Let go." I complained.

Again he disagreed.

"Stop it! Let go! Let ME go! You did it before so do it again. I got hurt last time! Don't do that to me! Just don't okay? Let go!" I yelled. But I couldn't escape fast enough. The tears fell too fast for my fingers to wipe away. I was immobilized and I stood crying as he held me down. It felt like he was pushing me downwards and I was going to fall. I knew I was going to fall because he let me drop before.

But he continued holding me. He had his arms around me. He let my tears fall on his shoulder. He let me lean on him. But it still hurt. The warmth was familiar, but so was the pain. When the worse of my sobs subsided I pulled myself free. As I did my head shook side to side. It said no. It said never again.

Slowly, I made my way out of the scene. He didn't stop me. He just watched my fading figure and I never turned back to look at his.

Heya cafe
Because you don't have any reviews as of yet, I'll review this right now.

The deep purple skies showed an absolute beauty. The greenery of the trees was unknown. You could only see the silhouette of every thing around you. But what some people call darkness is what I call beauty. Because night included a purple sky, not a black one, even on the night of a new moon.

This was a really nice description. My only critique is that some readers don't really like the beginning of a book or a chapter to be a description. I personally don't mind it, but other readers could find it boring.

He was Aoran Martinez, aka ex-boyfriend that broke up with me by text message.

I don't really like it when phrases like 'aka' are used in stories. I think that you should change it to 'He was Aoran Martinez, otherwise known as my ex-boyfriend... e.t.c.

I didn't see his face then and I don't want to see it now.

I think that this would sound better as 'couldn't'.

Again he disagreed.

You did it before, so do it again.

I got hurt last time! Don't do that to me! Just don't, okay?

I knew I was going to fall because he let me drop before.

I liked this line for some reason... It was clever.

When the worse of my sobs subsided, I pulled myself free. As I did, my head shook side to side.

Overall

This was pretty good. I really liked your description at the start as well as some of your other descriptions. I like how there's mystery in this. It gets us readers wondering what happened between your two characters. Your grammar was very good, thankfully. Your spelling was also perfect, I applaud you for that. You didn't overload on dialogue and you didn't overload on descriptions either. Plus, this seems like a rather cliché idea, but I think that you've written it well. Because of that, the fact that the idea is a bit cliché, I still like this. I also didn't have many nit-picks to point out, so well done for that. Although there are many positives about this piece, there are a few things that I would like to suggest.

My main critique is the fact that I'm wondering if there is a bit too much mystery in this. To begin with, we know hardly anything about your characters. All that we know so far is that their names are Sophie and Aoran (I love that name, by the way). We know that they are ex-boyfirend and girlfriend, and that Aoran broke up with Sophie by text message. We don't really know much else though. How old are they? Where are they? Why does Sophie hate Aoran so much? What time is it? How long were they in a relationship for? To be honest, I think that this chapter would work an awful lot better if you changed it into a prologue. Not that that is a bad thing! Prologue's include lots of mystery and they hardly ever reveal the background information of the characters. This is what this chapter's doing, that's why I think it would be more effective as a prologue.

Another thing that kind of bugs me is the fact that we don't really know why Sophie is on a swing in the middle of the night. I'm assuming that it's in the middle of the night, anyway. You did mention the night, after all. I don't really know where she is either, which is something that would make this piece better. At first, I thought that she was in her back yard or something, but then I assumed that she was in a park because Aoran came onto the scene. It would be creepy if he was in her back yard, after all. You then mentioned something about a street light, which cleared things up a tiny bit. Then I got kind of confused though, why would there be a swing in the middle of a street? Unless the street lamp was in a park? Basically, I would like for you to clear up where the setting of this story actually is. Without a setting, us readers can't really imagine what is going on in our heads.

My only other negative comment on this is the fact that, to me, it seems kind of melodramatic. Sophie seems to be going a bit over the top because she's seen an ex-boyfriend who dumped her. Although, there might be a lot more to it than what I know. That's where the kind of over the top mystery comes in. Because we don't know much about Aoran and Sophie's relationship, it seems rather melodramatic when Sophie literally bursts out crying and falls on the ground. If us readers knew why she was acting so dramatic, it wouldn't seem so weird for her to behave like that. This is another reason why I think this would be a good prologue, it's unclear and it's pretty dramatic. What I'm trying to say is that if you want to make something dramatic effectively, make sure us readers know why it's so dramatic. Otherwise, it will simply come across as melodramatic, which is not really a good thing. Like I said before though, I don't think that this would be so much of a problem if you turned this into a prologue.

Overall, this definitely does have potential. You clearly have a talent for writing, you just need to use that talent well. Some of your descriptions were very nice and it's good how you used mystery in the first chapter, you just need to tone it down a bit, I think. All that you need to do is to take into consideration what I've said and maybe re-edit this a bit. Make it so the setting of this story is clearer, so that we know a bit more about the character's background, tone down the melodrama a bit, cut back a bit on the mystery, or maybe even just turn this into the prologue.

Keep writing and good luck with this!

xoxo Rhian

Hello there, Cafelene!

First off, welomce to YWS! Skins pretty much covered up those mistakes that I've seen already. (Actually, I saw your story first without a review in it then after few minutes, Skins's critique appeared. ) hee-hee.

Chapter one: The night he returned

This is the very first line that we readers see. Capitalization helps it to be more proper and better to look at.

I noticed not the figure coming toward me but the trees, the black moon, and the purple sky.

This sentence quite confused me. Your MC says she didn't notice the figure but she mentioned it coming towards her. I know what you're trying to say, so improve this by rephrasing it like this: "... I didn't notice him until I caught/saw him going towards me." Something like that.

"Go away." I whispered.

Try expanding this. She whispered You need to tell us her feelings coming from her. Is she angry? surprised? sad?

"You left then, you can leave now."

I can't understand this. Try this: "You left me, so you can leave now."

"That's not the right answer. The right answer would be that whatever we had is gone. Whatever mattered doesn't matter anymore. The right answer would be that we should leave right now. Good-Bye." I stomped away, but stomping did not compete with running. He caught me within the next ten steps. "Let go." I complained.

That particular statement sounds too awkward.
"...we should leave right now" Is it the problem why the guy's holding back? because the MC said it was the right answer. And why would they be leaving together? It should only be the guy or the MC. This totally ruins a part of your story. I'm sorry if you don't understand me because I too, don't understand this so well. Please improve or rephrase that statement.

"Stop it! Let go! Let ME go! You did it before so do it again. I got hurt last time! Don't do that to me! Just don't okay? Let go!" I yelled. But I couldn't escape fast enough. The tears fell too fast for my fingers to wipe away. I was immobilized and I stood crying as he held me down. It felt like he was pushing me downwards and I was going to fall. I knew I was going to fall because he let me drop before.

Unnecessary capitalization of 'me'. You don't need to do that for emphasis 'cause it's all coming from the character. So, this is the part where the MC becomes overemotional and honestly, just in my aspect, I seldom hate things like that, but if they're well written, I like it. Also, your usage of exclamatory statements are too much. So it will make us think that the girl is shouting incessantly, and it's just kind of irritating to read and imagine.


Others:

Sorry to be a bit harsh but it's what really confuses your story and you don't want to expect your readers to dislike this piece, right? This is just some of my suggestions here. And I really agree with Skins, your MC and the plot is getting melodramatic in going towards the end and there was too much mystery in here so I think it what makes this piece confusing. You also need to state here the emotions going throughout the story, especially when it comes to your characters.

Remember: show don't tell

Overall, I thought this was really good. You have the potential and you just need to use it better. I like your descriptions and your spellings are good.But I say, you need to improve this more.

PM me for questions or anything.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

_yuri_