A Little Lie (Chapter One)

A LITTLE LIE. CHAPTER ONE.

Some people ask me "Do you think you'll be together forever?" I mean really people. That’s like me asking "Do you think you'll ever get cancer?" There is a slim chance... that something will go wrong... and me and Gregory won't be together forever. I know that for sure, but its not like I can tell you that.

So why ask? Because... according to me... this is all a lie.

I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think I had a chance of getting away with it.

"Alright Ivy. Come on out!"

I took one last look in the mirror and zipped up the back of the dress. When I whipped open the curtain I heard a TON of 'OO's and Ahh's' It's just a wedding dress.

"I like this one a lot." I heard my sister, Hero, say.

"I like it too, Hero." my mother smiled

"Come on guys... it's just a dress..." I started biting my nails out of pure habit.

"Ivy Thomas. Stop that!!" my mother shouted at me.

"Jeeze mom. It's okay."

"No. it's not. I will not have my daughter biting her nails!"

She jumped out of her chair and pulled my hands to my sides. She turned me around and faced me to the mirror.

"Ivy, you have Gregory. And you need him. Don't let this one slip away." she whispered to me

Wow, that was a weird mother daughter moment.

"I won't. It's not like he's going to either." I said holding up my left hand showing the silver engagement ring.

I didn't feel confident saying he wouldn't break the engagement, mostly cause I knew it was a lie. The real Gregory that was 'mine' was rude... mean... cruel. And he would never marry me. I felt bad... having this as a lie.

"Alright then." she sighed as she fixed my dress. "Go put on the next one." was all she said until she pushed me back into the changing room.

"Mom, I got to get back to class."

"Ivy. When will you ever put the wedding first?" she said pissed off.

"When I graduate. I need this mom. I can't just rely on Gregory. I'm my own person."

"Fine. We'll pick up where we left off tomorrow. Shoo Shoo!" She flicked her fingers at me until I closed the curtain.

To be honest. I didn't want to be trying on dresses. I didn't want my mother to be there. She was a snotty stuck up old woman. The only person I wanted there was my sister, Hero.

I pulled the dress up and put it on its hanger. The reflection of me in the mirror looked different. Different than what I used to be. Before I was laid back, and dressed comfortably. Now everything else is different. I don't wear my simple jeans... and nice t-shirts. I wear dressy things. Like I’m some Barbie that some freak decided to dress up.

I sighed, grabbed my purse and walked out of the stores front doors.

Once I got to my car, I threw my bag in the back and started driving towards Loras College. Maybe I told a little lie when I said I had class.

I turned the radio on, hoping to clear my mind. Every song after the other reminded me of the wedding. How I was afraid of when the day came... that they would have to meet him in person. I had gotten away with all of the easy stuff. Like phone calls, thanksgiving... but not Christmas. It was easy, but I don't think I could pull this wedding off alone.

You're probably wondering... why I’m lying like this. Well... two months ago, I was engaged. Actually to Gregory. Y'know, the real one... not 'my Gregory'. But he broke it off because I wasn't the ideal woman. I couldn't tell my mom, she was too excited about the whole thing. That her last daughter was going to get married. And honestly, she's to big of a bitch. She'd make it all about her instead of me.

I parked my car in the closest spot to the building and grabbed my duffel bag from under the seat. Sitting there for a few moments, going through it to see that I had everything... I realized that I needed Gregory. I needed him a lot.

With that I stepped out of the car and walked into the building. As soon as I opened the doors chlorine filled my lungs.

"I'm back." I smiled as I walked down the stairs to the locker room.

I pulled off all my 'work' clothes and pulled my suit over my undies. People do not need to see my stuff age. Once my suit was on, I pulled off my underwear and stuffed it in my bag. I put my Adidas shorts on, and my iSwim T-shirt on.

When I shoved my bag into my locker I grabbed my cap and goggles and ran up the stairs to the pool room.

"Hey Ivy!!" I heard a few people shout from the benches.

"Hey guys!!" I smiled and waved

I felt kind of bad about lying to my mom about class. Well, actually... this was swim practice. She didn't know about high school swimming either... and the scholarship that’s paying for college. She thinks that’s all Gregory... I mean 'Gregory'

I kind of think its funny. But I can't seem to find a way out of this pickle. Either way is a dead end. One I can't get out of. I started walking towards the bleachers when Tristan came up to me.

Hi! I'm ReadySetStay, and I shall review for you today. I'll go over spelling errors and such ((those which I catch...)), and then go over the content of the chapter.

Some people ask me "Do you think you'll be together forever?" I mean really people. That’s like me asking "Do you think you'll ever get cancer?"

I would italicize "really" and add a question mark to the end.

"Ivy Thomas. Stop that!!" my mother shouted at me.

Perhaps only one exclamation point? Since you put "shouted" at the end, and have already included one exclamation, there's really no point for another.


And...that's all I caught from a once-over. ^.^

Now, as far as story content goes, it's not bad. You strongly get across the point that Ivy does not want to be married to this man. But, one thing I did notice, was the use of "..." Now, it's not a bad thing. But, in some cases, you can use ";" to get your point across, and the sentence will flow better as well as be more grammatically correct.

hello there!

Here to review.

A LITTLE LIE. CHAPTER ONE.

Some people ask me, "Do you think you'll be together forever?" I mean really people. That’s like me asking, "Do you think you'll ever get cancer?" There is a slim chance... that something will go wrong... and me and Gregory won't be together forever. Your usage of ellipses are unnecessary.I know that for sure, but it's not like I can tell you that.

So why ask? Because... according to me... this is all a lie.

I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think I had a chance of getting away with it.

"Alright, Ivy. Come on out!"

I took one last look in the mirror and zipped up the back of my dress. When I whipped open the curtain, I heard a TON of 'OO's and Ahh's'. It's just a wedding dress.

"I like that (she's referring to the dress) one a lot." I heard my sister, Hero, say.

"I like it too, Hero." my mother smiled.

"Come on guys... it's just a dress..." I started biting my nails out of pure habit.

"Ivy Thomas. Stop that!!" my mother shouted at me.

"Jeeze mom. It's okay."

"No. It's not. I will not have my daughter biting her nails!"

She jumped out of her chair and pulled my hands to my sides. She turned me around and faced me to the mirror.

"Ivy, you have Gregory. And you need him. Don't let this one slip away." She whispered to me

Wow, that was a weird mother daughter moment.

"I won't. It's not like he's going to either." I said holding up my left hand showing the silver engagement ring.

I didn't feel confident saying he wouldn't break the engagement, mostly 'cause I knew it was a lie. The real Gregory that was 'mine' was rude... mean... cruel. And he would never marry me. I felt bad... having this as a lie.

"Alright then." She sighed as she fixed my dress. "Go put on the next one," was all she said until she pushed me back into the changing room.

"Mom, I got to get back to class."

"Ivy. When will you ever put the wedding first?" she said, pissed off.

"When I graduate. I need this mom. I can't just rely on Gregory. I'm my own person." I can't understand the last sentence.

"Fine. We'll pick up where we left off tomorrow. Shoo Shoo!" She flicked her fingers at me until I closed the curtain.

To be honest, I didn't want to be trying on dresses. I didn't want my mother to be there. She was a snotty stuck up old woman. The only person I wanted there was my sister, Hero. Okay, you didn't need to say that Hero was again her sister, 'cause you just said it before.

I pulled the dress up and put it on its hanger. The reflection of me in the mirror looked different. Different than what I used to be. Before I was laid back, and dressed comfortably. Now everything else was different. I wasn't wearing my simple jeans... and nice t-shirts. I was wearing dressy things now. Like I’m some Barbie that some freak decided to dress up. You changed tenses here.

I sighed, grabbed my purse and walked out of the store's front door.

Once I got to my car, I threw my bag in the back and started driving towards Loras College. Maybe I told a little lie when I said I had class.

I turned the radio on, hoping to clear up my mind. Every song after the other reminded me of the wedding. How I was afraid of when the day came... that they would have to meet him in person. I had gotten away with all of the easy stuff. Like phone calls, thanksgiving... but not Christmas. It was easy, but I didn't think I could pull this wedding off alone.

You're probably wondering... why I’m lying like this. Well... two months ago, I was engaged. Actually to Gregory. Y'know, the real one... not 'my Gregory'. But he broke it off because I wasn't the ideal woman. I couldn't tell my mom, she was too excited about the whole thing. That her last daughter was going to get married. And honestly, she's too big of a bitch. She'd make it all about her instead of me.

I parked my car in the closest spot to the building and grabbed my duffel bag (erased 'from') under the seat. Sitting there for a few moments, going through it to see that I had everything... I realized that I needed Gregory. I needed him a lot.

With that I stepped out of the car and walked into the building. As soon as I opened the doors, chlorine filled my lungs.

"I'm back." I smiled as I walked down the stairs to the locker room.

I pulled off all my 'work' clothes and pulled my suit over my undies. People do not need to see my stuff age. Once my suit was on, I pulled off my underwear and stuffed it in my bag. I put my Adidas shorts on, and my Swim T-shirt on.

When I shoved my bag into my locker, I grabbed my cap and goggles and ran up the stairs to the pool room.

"Hey Ivy!!" I heard a few people shout from the benches.

"Hey guys!!" I smiled and waved.

I felt kind of bad about lying to my mom about class. Well, actually... this was swim practice. She didn't know about high school swimming either... and the scholarship that’s paying for college. She thinks that’s all Gregory... I mean 'Gregory'.

I kind of think it was funny. But I couldn't seem to find a way out of this pickle. Either way is a dead end. One I can't get out of. I started walking towards the bleachers when Tristan came up to me.

ugh. I just wrote something long then I somehow accidentally deleted it.

Overall:

Okay, you really need to improve mostly on your punctuations. Don't worry, I too make mistakes to that. I think there are some good threads here that you can find helpful. Especially with punctuations, I can really see you're struggling with it. Particularly with your commas, you lack commas here and there. As with your ellipses, you placed them unnecessarily which slows down or ruins a part of the plot, which is kind of annoying. Use them only when needed though I'm not saying your usage of that is all wrong. There are some at good place but mostly not all. For your spellings, it's all good. Grammars, there are some awkward sentences to read but I'm not really the right person to help you on that because I too committed a lot of crimes when it comes to that. As with your tenses, it appears to be jumping off or say, you tend to switch them. So it'll look confusing or something like that to read.

Oh, I almost forgot, here's a thread that can help you with your punctuations:
topic44898.html
(thanks to Demeter for that. )


Characters: Your MC's part realistic and a part unbelievable. It's because I can't feel any connection coming between your character and I, the reader. It's really important for us to feel the feelings or emotions of your MC, so it'll look totally realistic. You need to show us how she lied, her feelings on that, did she regret it? something like that.

Lastly, this is good. Just so you know there are some things that you need to improve n. So try to proof read this and edit things a bit, so you'll know your errors. M me for questions. Please feel free to ask me for another review.

keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri