The Last Flight of the Niho

Originally written for Event #5: Villainelles of the 2010 Writing Olympics. I've tweaked a couple of lines since. Still, this was so much fun to write. XD

The Last Flight of the Niho

The bravest, boldest crew of the ship named Niho,
Lead by the dashing and daring captain, the famed Xed Zakax’ylo,
Over the planet Zisol, where giant things grow,

Did their best without behest to bring the bugs low,
Invasive, mutated-to-epic-size bugs which ate all the milo.
The bravest, boldest crew of the ship named Niho,

Slew insects by the thousand, bringing them great woe.
No bugs were spared at anywhere, and carcasses, they left a pile o’,
Over the planet Zisol, where giant things grow.

Pretty soon, the valiant crew’s kill count did plateau—
The sole remaining place infested on the planet was the Silo.
The bravest, boldest crew of the ship named Niho,

Knew the Mother Queen of the swarm lurked just below.
"We have to kill her to release her hold–" said earnest Xed Zakax’ylo
"–over the planet Zisol," where giant things grow.

And so the crew flew bravely to meet their final foe,
To their doom they flew, lead by Captain Xed Zakax’ylo,
The bravest, boldest crew of the ship named Niho,
Over the planet Zisol, where giant things grow.

Oh I love how the title explained the ending! Very nice! it sounds like a nursery rhyme! And trust me that's a good thing! Like an adventurous bedtime story that could be told to millions of children all over the world! I loved it! Great work! Keep writing!

~Lady Kix

Wonderful story! Brilliant way of telling it. Imaginative and novel worthy. Good Work!!!

Hello I'm LastPaladin and I'm here to review your piece. To begin with it was a valiant effort, much like the Captain's but my main reason for disliking this is it overly complicated line structure you try stuff too many words in and it detracts I first noticed it:

Invasive, mutated-to-epic-size bugs which ate all the milo.

And I won't lie, until then was enjoying the piece but this just threw me off, it seem needless, you could have said it much better in less words and not detracted from flow.

Now, my next issue, the Captain name, also needlessly complicated even in Science Fiction names tend to be pronouceable but here you are unsure of how to say it. If you had thought about readers here you would have given them an easier name to say.

If it wasn't for the lines getting bit stunted or coming off too verbose for flow, I'd not do this review. But this poem is great, I just wished you carried on the epic and given us how they fought and died with honour at the Queen's hand.

Something to consider perhaps?

Overall, it was a valid attempt and it shows, you just need to halt verbosity a tad and remember that poetry requires a flow and must never ever sound disjointed.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for the comments/review.

Now, my next issue, the Captain name, also needlessly complicated even in Science Fiction names tend to be pronouceable but here you are unsure of how to say it. If you had thought about readers here you would have given them an easier name to say.

I thought I had made it fairly pronounceable. I tried to chose a combination of characters that, while exotic, could be easily broken down into syllables with the rhyme scheme being the key to how the "y" is said. The pronunciation I had in mind for the character is Zed Zak-axe-I-low, though there's some leeway with how the first three syllables can be pronounced. Similarly, Niho could be pronounced either Nigh-hoe or Nee-hoe, and Zisol, either Zee-saul or rhyming with Lysol.

If it wasn't for the lines getting bit stunted or coming off too verbose for flow, I'd not do this review.

I thought they flowed just fine. Each of the lines has either 12 or 17 syllables (with the exception of the final stanza), and while the pattern of emphasis changes with and within each line, I tried to keep this shift at a natural pause around the 10th syllable for the 17-syllable lines and at the 6th for the 12-syllable lines.

The reason why I chose such long lines in the first place was because the villanelle is a very structured form that requires several of the lines to be repeated, and the longer lines gave more space between repetitions and more room for alternate interpretations of the repeated lines so that the repetitions weren't as obvious or forced-sounding.

Something to consider perhaps?

Maybe, but it wouldn't fit into the villanelle form anymore, and I'm quite fond of villanelles. XD