Is Golden too Morbid?

I was supposed to write a fairy tale with an "ever after" ending, and the teacher's face turned into the same shade of pink as her dress, and I recieved a 0 and a shocked, good stern talking-to.
She asked for an ever after, but never asked what kind of ever after she was after.

disregarding her, do you believe my story is too morbid?



Golden

Once upon a time in a land not quite so far away, there lived a little girl with golden hair. Everyday, her stepmother would send her out to the woods, but beat her when she came back.

One day, the girl went deeper into the forest than she ever had before, desperate for something to eat, when she saw something glint in the weak sunlight. Pouncing on it, she hurried to dig it free, and laughed in delight when it turned out to be a scrap of gold. She eagerly picked it up, studying this small fortune. She thought eagerly to herself that perhaps it was worth enough to make her stepmother love her, at least for a while.

Suddenly, she heard something that sounded like thunder. Then from the depths of the forest, she saw a herd of horses running towards her, that seemed to be made of the wind itself. She froze in shock and awe, and her hand uncurled to reveal the shining gold.

Immediately, the horses slowed and stopped. The apparent herd leader, a golden stallion with a hideous scar over its heart, pawed the ground and reared back onto its hind legs, and charged to the frozen girl. Soon it stopped suddenly enough for bits of the forest floor to spray the air, and oddly, the horse looked as if it were about to graze. The horse hesitated, but then shuffled forward to eat the gold from the girl’s hands.

The herd roared and reared, attacking the air as they began to change from horse to wind to horse to a gale. As they changed, they almost seemed to dance for the girl. The roar and thunder of the horses were deafening. The wind tore the girl’s hair free, plastering her to where she sat awestruck, beating against her almost resentfully, but then slowed to where it seemed like it was holding the girl.

The girl smiled and cried as they danced, and sobbed when they finally left. She trudged home empty handed, and accepted her beating without a murmur of protest.

Now everyday, she would dig for the gold, and laugh and cry when they ran and soared. The beatings grew worse and worse, but the horses became more and more beautiful.

As the months slipped by, though she dug until her hands had more blood than skin, there was not a single ounce of gold left. She did not shout, she did not cry, she simply curled up, and waited for the horses. Not an hour later, and she heard the telltale thunder of the horses.

She watched in a heartbroken wonder as they flew past her, and as the last of them drew close, the draft swept up her golden hair around her in an untamed halo.

The smallest and slowest of the horses noticed, and whinnied loud enough for the girl to wince. The herd slowed, stopped, and turned around to stare at the girl. The leader came into sight, and charged towards the little girl.

Breathless, she held still as a rock, and quietly smiled in a private rapture, even as the leader tore out and ate her golden hair, lock by shining lock.

The girl had never felt so happy, so sad, as when she the horses dance next. When she watched them go, the leader paused for the first time to stare back at the girl. He shook and thundered off, and a breeze was suddenly writhing around the girl. She could swear she heard something tell her, “You have a heart of gold, little girl.”

As the girl entered home, even as she was beaten within an inch of her life, she was smiling.

The next day, she crawled out to the forest with a stolen item she held dearly.

As she heaved herself to the wind-horse place, she closed her eyes and focused on the gleaming dagger. A sentence played over and over in her mind, and the little girl whispered it with a touch of hope.

“You have a heart of gold, little girl….”



(and do you think I should tack on this?)



Centuries later, and a new little girl ventured deep into the forest, and found the cache of gold buried under the largest tree in the forest. Minutes later, and the little girl was gasping at the leader of the herd.

The leader of the herd of wind-horses was a palamino the color of gold. But what had the little girl gawking was that the leader was a young, delicate-looking mare, with an ugly scar over where her heart would be.

Naw, it's not too morbid. A touch so, but not entirely.

Nitpick: "Once upon a Time"

"Time" doesn't have to be capitalized. Actually, it really shouldn't be.

Your teacher was insane to not give you a good grade on this. Clearly, the writing, plot, charactorial (my word, don't steal it) values, and personal views expressed in this outshine a typical "ever after" ending.

Eh, it's not particularly morbid to me, even if I see how she might have taken offense to it, especially if she'd been expected puppies and rainbows.

It's certainly an interesting idea you've got here, and the story progression works, even if it seems to get a little bit rushed towards the end.

There are couple of mistakes here and there though, as well as some really awkward sentences, that you should be careful of:

she hurried to dig it free, and laughed in delight when a scrap of gold was resting in her hand.

This sounds a bit awkward. I know what you mean, and it's pretty clear, but the sentence just doesn't really work. I'd suggest changing it to something like 'when it turned out to be a small piece of gold'.

The seeming herd leader,

'The apparent herd leader', maybe?

it stopped fast enough for

Change 'fast' for 'suddenly'.

she digged until

'She dug': irregular verbs are a pain, but you've got to know them.

There are a few others in the same vein, so try fixing them a little.

Also, I find the extra ending unnecessary. Keep it if you want to, but it works just fine without it.

Comments in red. And don't worry about being morbid - fairytales often are.

everafter wrote:
Golden

Once upon a Time in a land not quite so far away, there lived a little girl with golden hair. Everyday, her stepmother would send her out to the woods, but beat her when she came back. First, stepmothers aren't always evil. I think there's a fairytale or two about good stepmothers. Besides its being overused, it also makes little sense, as the father will ALWAYS side with his own child. And even if the stepmom still dares to do so, then she probably has serious psychological issues. Also, it's really corny that the kid is beaten and it kind of annoys me that this pops up a lot. By the way, why would the stepmother send her daughter to the woods? o0

One day, the girl went deeper into the forest than she ever had before, desperate for something to eat, when she saw something glint I don't think glint is the right word here. in the weak sunlight. You never told us she was starved too. Beaten doesn't equal starved.Pouncing on it, she hurried to dig it free, The structure of this sentence means that she pounced on it and hurried to dig it free at the same time, which is impossible. Change the sentence structure. and laughed in delight when a scrap of gold was resting in her hand. "Was resting in her hand" is a very weak way of putting it. Besides, in her current state I doubt she'd be laughing. Perhaps be so quiet, trembling in happiness. But laughing really doesn't suit the occasion. She thought eagerly to herself that perhaps it was worth enough to make her stepmother love her, at least for a while. Corny bit again there. Very overused. Oh, I'm *insert adjective* now! My mom will definitely love me. Cut it.

Suddenly, she heard something that sounded like thunder. Then why didn't she think it was thunder? Then from the depths of the forest, she saw a herd of horses that seemed to be made of the wind itself running towards her. [And how do they seem to be made of wind? I'd like to see you show this as this is a good opportunity to describe things. She froze in shock and awe, and her hand uncurled to reveal the shining gold.So her fist was clenched. And another thing. You do know gold isn't easily found right? It's mined for, and you need to pan it. I'll let it pass, though, because this is a fairytale and sometimes those make little to no sense.

Immediately, the horses slowed and stopped. The seeming You use seeming a lot. Why don't you show us why it seems so this time? herd leader, a golden stallion with a hideous scar over its heart, pawed I'm not sure pawed is the right word here, but *shrug*. the ground and reared back onto its hind legs, and charged towards the frozen girl. So many ands. Cut some. Make the others into a new sentence. Soon it stopped fast enough for bits of the forest floor to spray the air You mean it skidded, sending bits of grass into the air. Anyway, that horse must have been pretty far for it to have enough time to charge towards the girl and pick up enough speed to actually need to skid to a stop., and oddly, the horse looked as if it were about to graze How so?. The horse hesitated, but then shuffled forward to eat the gold from the girl’s hands.

The herd roared and reared, attacking the air as they began to change from horse to wind to horse to a gale. The last part of this sentence makes little to no sense. I get your gist - the horses turned into air - but it sounds incredibly weird, especially the horse to wind to horse to a gale. I think you should replace the second "to" with another word. As they changed, they almost seemed to dance for the girl. You keep using seemed. Seemed implies that they're not actually doing so. I want you to go back through this piece and check the sentence every time you used seemed. Realize that it means that a person who seems to do something isn't really doing something in reality. The roar and thunder of the horses were deafening. What thunder? They're winds. The wind tore the girl’s hair free It was pinned back? If it was pinned back, that would imply that the stepmother provides the girl luxury to some degree, so that would make no sense., plastering her to where she sat awestruck, This means that because her hair tore free, she couldn't move and the wind was beating her resentfully. beating against her almost resentfully, but then slowed to where it seemed You used "seemed" so much. like it was holding the girl.

The girl smiled and cried as they danced, Why the hell would she do that? 0o Smile yes, but cry no. Both at the same time is just o0. and sobbed when they finally left. She trudged home empty handed, and accepted her beating without a murmur of protest.

Now everyday, she would dig for the gold, This means that she'd been digging for gold since forever. You probably mean "from then on," not "now everyday." and laugh and cry when they ran and soared. The last bit of this sentence can be improved. The beatings grew worse and worse, but the horses became more and more beautiful.

As the months slipped by If the beatings progressively grew worse, the little girl would be dead before months could slip by., though she dug until her hands had more blood than skin Your hand always had more blood than skin. Rephrase., there was not a single ounce of gold left. She did not shout. She did not cry - [There were a lot of comma splices before I edited this sentence. Also, there's a more powerful way of phrasing it. Revise.] she simply curled up and waited for the horses. Not an hour later, [Deleted and] she heard the telltale thunder of the horses.

She watched in [Deleted a] heartbroken wonder as they flew past her, and as the last of them drew close, the draft swept up her golden hair around her in an untamed halo. This looks incredibly weird in my head. I'm pretty sure halo isn't what you're going for since a halo is a ring on top of your head and if her hair turned into a halo then that means it would be disconnected from her scalp and yeah...

The smallest and slowest of the horses noticed and whinnied loud enough for the girl to wince. The herd slowed, stopped, and turned around to stare at the girl. The leader came into sight, and charged towards the little girl.

Breathless, she held still as a rock, and quietly smiled All smile are quiet. Loud smile are called laughs. in a private rapture, even as the leader tore out and ate her golden hair, lock by shining lock. That hurts. That really, really hurts. I dare you to try smiling while someone yanks not one hair, but a fistful. If you can do that, props for you but the reader is still going to have a hard time believing this.

The girl had never felt so happy, so sad, as when she the horses danced next. When she watched them go, the leader paused for the first time to stare back at the girl. He shook and thundered off, and a breeze was suddenly writhing around the girl. She swore she heard something tell her, “You have a heart of gold, little girl.” Heart of gold is a cliche, but I'm guessing you mean they're gonna eat it so I'll let it pass. But it's kind of corny for someone to tell her that.

As the girl entered her home, even as she was beaten within an inch of her life, she was smiling. No matter how happy you are, you CANNOT smile while in pain. Unless you're high or something. And I doubt she is.

The next day, she crawled out to the forest with a stolen item What stolen item? she held dearly.

As she heaved herself to the wind-horse place, she closed her eyes and focused on the gleaming dagger. WHY do they have a dagger in the house? Unless the dad is some rich dude (in which case he would never allow his wife to beat his children) or a hunter (in which case he would actually be bringing the dagger around), how she got one is kinda a deus ex machina. A sentence played over and over in her mind, and the little girl whispered it with a touch of hope.

“You have a heart of gold, little girl.”



(and do you think I should tack on this?)



Centuries later, [Deleted and] a new little girl ventured deep into the forest, and found the cache of gold buried under the largest tree in the forest. Minutes later, [Deleted and] the little girl was gasping at the leader of the herd. The exact same sentence patterns in succession. Fix.

The leader of the herd of wind-horses was a palamino the color of gold. But what had the little girl gawking was that the leader was a young, delicate-looking mare, with an ugly scar over where her heart would be. Haha. Cute.

Final thoughts:

Okay, you told me that your teacher asked for an ever after. This one has no ever after unless you tack on the last part. Also, the more I think of it the more I realize that maybe your teacher meant that she wanted to see what was going on after the end of a certain fairytale. But I can't be sure.

Now the fundamental plot of this isn't flawed, per se, but it's odd because it relies on so many unrealistic things. I know fairytales aren't supposed to be realistic, but the stepmother beating her and where she got the dagger are stuff that cannot be passed off by magic without making it a deus ex machina.

But stepmothers are cruel, you say. I think they have a reason. Let's take the fairytale "One Eye, Two Eyes, and Three Eyes." Here, the *mother* herself is cruel to Two Eyes, but there's a reason - she believes Two Eyes is a hideous girl and an abnormality. Why she thought so was explained.

Another example is Little Brother and Little Sister. In the story the stepmother beats the children...but only when they do something she doesn't want them to. (Not to say the children were happy about this but you get the gist.) There's a reason. So give me a compelling reason because as far as I'm concerned your main character isn't doing anything at all. And if that's why the stepmother is angry, then make it clear. (Though that might make the MC less sympathetic and more of a lazy kid.)

Also, your main character lacks dimension. I'm not sure about handing over a fairytale for an assignment since characters are usually somewhat flat in fairytales. However, in your story, the characters lack even the slight dimension the ones in fairytales have. There is absolutely no characterization. I couldn't find any.

Let's take for example Cinderella - we know Cinderella is subservient. In here all we know about your character is that she's beaten and she's desperate. Nothing about her personality at all.

By the way, where the heck is her father? You never mentioned his death, yet he doesn't appear anywhere in this piece. At least explain his absence. And explain why she's sent to the forest everyday.

I wonder where this forest is. During the period of time fairytales are set, there are plenty of huntsmen and woodcutters. Why hasn't anyone else stumbled upon the gold or the horses? And why does it take centuries for another little girl to come by? It'd be nice if you could explain these gaps.

Your word choice is poor and your grammar needs work. Edit those.

There are plenty of corny bits in there, so maybe you'd want to fix that.

Finally, I assumed this was a fairytale. If it wasn't and I was mistaken, then this needs a lot lot more work and this review was written from the wrong point of view, so kindly tell me if it isn't so. I'll rewrite this review then. ^^

Also - no, this isn't morbid.

Anyway, those are my two cents. Hope this review helped. PM me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Kara

Re-posting my comment because the one I commented on was the double-post. XD Thought I noticed two threads...

Definitely morbid, but is there really such a thing as 'too' morbid? Morbidness is in the eye of the beholder, I suppose.

Yes, it's morbid, but a lot of people like morbid things! I know I've had stories that turned out more morbid than I thought they would, but that doesn't mean I'm going to trash them. Like midnightread said, it's morbid, but brilliant, and at the very least those who enjoy morbid things are going to LOVE this story.

I loved the twist at the end, and what great foreshadowing with that piece of dialogue about the 'heart of gold'. I would definitely tack on the end bit, as it really pulls the whole thing together, and I really liked the way you showed us what happened without saying, "She turned into the leader of the golden horses. The end." Great showing versus telling.

Nice job!