The World I Long For

Once there was a whisper,
deep inside my mind.
When I heard it calling,
I left the world behind.

Deep inside my own world,
I was lost in a place not found.
Traveling through the jungles,
or at peace with the ocean's sound.

But when I woke up to what was real,
I felt a longing pain.
For what I was inside my head,
was real for who I am.

Hey there!

I'd like to say that I've read this poem three times now and I'm still not entirely sure what you're trying to say. ^^; I don't blame you though! Nope, I blame the rhyme scheme, so onto my review!

I noticed you had a rhyme scheme, but then it died in the last stanza because it didn't fit what you were trying to do. My suggestion? Kill the rhyme scheme all together! All rhyming does is lock you into a pattern. What you really want to be able to do is write what you mean, write what you want to say. What do you want the reader to think ?What do you want them to feel? If you're restricting yourself to rhyming, you're going to have a lot more trouble writing this successfully. To me, rhyming is something you should bring into your work (even if you want to! You don't have to) once you've got some other parts of poetry down better.

I'd also suggest you pay attention to your punctuation. You have your lines ending comma, period, comma, period... and so on, even if the sentences don't grammatically require that. So just pay attention to grammar and punctuation and you'll do awesome.

My biggest suggestion for writing poetry? Read poetry! That's how I learned almost everything I know. Read poetry and write poetry. It will help you more than you might think.

Best of luck!

I loved the two first verses. The last one was very significant, because it tied it all up [in a very good way, by the way] but the rhymes weren't matching to the beat of the etnire poem. Does that make sense? I must say I read this three times, because I wanted to. I just liked it so much that I wanted to read it over and over again. It was exactly the style I like in poems, and I thought you brought out that style [I have no idea what name it has, but I hope you still understand]. I liked it a lot.
Good job! Maybe you should fix the last verse, but this is good too. I don't think you have to change it.
Keep writing!
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