Lovely Heart chapter 1

Chapter 1
The packet and the letter

Ivy and her friends entered the house and ran into the living room. They sat on the boring old brown couch, Ivy in the centre and her six best friends around her.

“Open it” ordered Maria, restless.

Ivy looked at the perfect wrapped packet and the beautiful lilac letter that rested on her lap. She gently passed her fingertips on the envelope, lifted it up and opened it delicately.
Ivy and her friends looked stunned at the letter written in a curvy and elegant letter that said:
“Dear miss. Ivy White,
I write this letter to congratulate you on being our new student in our school of magic, Blue Glass, where you will learn these four years. You will be taken to the unknown town of Lovely Heart, in carriage on the fourteenth of September of this year.
Remember to read the green books before that day and don’t forget none of the objects on the list you will find in volume one of the green book.
Bye for now,
Eloise Renwick”

Ivy gave a cry of happiness and hugged the letter, she had made it in. Around her friends cheered and gave small hugs hiding their pain of seeing their friend go.

“In carriage?” asked Isabel suddenly.

“Yeah, the people there are a little outdated” explained Ivy.

“A little?” asked Nina.

“Probably a lot, but we can write to each other” said Ivy looking at them.

They stayed in silence looking at the letter until Maria started talking.

“Open the packet” she ordered

Ivy smiled and ripped the flower printed wrapper reviling a brown box. Ivy opened the lid and started taking stuff out. The box contained three dark green books, one purple notebook with the word Ivy written in gold letters on the cover and a wood pen.

“What is the notebook for?” asked Maria touching the notebook.

“It’s a diary, all witches have to have one to write day by day what they have done and keep note of the magic they have used” said Ivy.

“Can you explain again how it’s going to be there?” asked Isabel

“Sure, I am going to live in a house with a couple of students from Blue Glass, some humans and a tutor. I will go to a normal school from nine A.M to two P.M, and from five P.M to seven P.M I will go to a magic school they call night school” she said brushing her caramel blonde hair with her fingers. “And I will attend the night school every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.”

“You’re so lucky” said Isabel leaning her head on a cushion with a dreamy look and hugging a pillow.

“Nina! Your mother just called saying it’s almost dinner!” said Ivy’s mother from the kitchen.

“I have to go” said Nina getting up

“Me too” said Rachel looking at her digital clock. Soon after they all left, promising to come back some other day.

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xD xD xD

Honestly? I noticed a lot of resemblance to Harry Potter. And not in a good way.

Hi there, LegendaryRose! I’m Zan, it’s nice to meet you. ^_^

I liked your title, and your summary seemed interesting, so I thought maybe I’d stop by and leave you a review. : )

Anyway, this is an interesting introduction to your world and characters. I can see what Snapesonaplane means about there being some similarities to Harry Potter, but as long as the next few chapters make your plot your own, it shouldn’t be too big of a problem—I don’t think it’s that much of a big deal yet. I’ve seen some other witch/wizard-in-training series that worked really well (Terry Pratchett’s Tiffany Aching series, for example) and I think it’s all in the way that the story goes.

I’m interested to visit and learn more about the school. The intersection of normal school and magic school seems kind of interesting, like a collision between the mundane world and the fantasy one. It seems like this world would really be one where the witches would have to lead double lives—a prospect which I find pretty fascinating. I’m curious to see where this story will go, and what conflicts would be introduced—and I’m willing to read on to satisfy that curiosity, which is always a good sign!

The only problem I have is that, though I find your world exciting and interesting, I don’t really feel that way about Ivy yet. I wonder if you could give us a little more of an impression of her feelings. It must be scary, going away to a new school in an entirely different world, leaving behind her friends and family… maybe you could give us some impressions of how she feels about this, and her family and friends, things like that. It makes her seem much more real to us, which makes us feel for her situation. One thing that helps me when I’m struggling with this kind of thing is to re-read a book with a main character that I really liked—look at what it was that character said that made me connect to their feelings.

In any case, I did like this first chapter, and I’m definitely willing to read chapter two if you want me to. Don’t be discouraged—keep writing! In the meantime, feel free to PM me if you have any questions! ^_^

Hey LegendaryRose. Shubhi here at your service!
Lets get on to the review first(red for corrections and bold fro comments )

Ivy and her friends entered the house and ran into the living room. They sat on the boring old brown couch; Ivy in the centre and her six best friends around her.

“Open it” ordered Maria, restlessly.

Ivy looked at the perfectly wrapped packet and the beautiful lilac letter that rested on her lap. She gently passed her fingertips on the envelope, lifted it up and opened it delicately.
Ivy and her friends looked stunned at the letter written in a curvy and elegant letterDid you mean handwriting? that said:
“Dear Miss.A dot is only there when we write Ms. Ivy White,
I write this letter to congratulate you on being ourWe can avoid our here and write the. new student in our school of magic, Blue Glass, where you will be learning these four years. You will be taken to the unknown town of Lovely Heart, in carriage on the fourteenth of September of this year.
Remember to read the green books before that day and don’t forget none of the objects on the list you will find in volume one of the green book.
Bye for now,
Eloise Renwick”

Ivy gave a cry of happiness and hugged the letter, she had made it in. Around, her friends cheered and gave small hugs hiding their pain of seeing their friend go.

“In carriage?” asked Isabel suddenly.

“Yeah, the people there are a little outdated” explained Ivy.

“A little?” asked Nina.

“Probably a lot, but we can write to each other” said Ivy looking at them.

They stayed in silence looking at the letter until Maria started talking.

“Open the packet” she ordered A Full-stop.

Ivy smiled and ripped the flower printed wrapper revilingDid you mean revealing? a brown box. Ivy opened the lid and started taking stuff out. The box contained three dark green books, one purple notebook with the word Ivy written in gold letters on the cover, and a wood pen.

“What is the notebook for?” asked Maria touching the notebook.

“It’s a diary, all witches have to have one to write day by day what they have done and keep note of the magic they have used” said Ivy.

“Can you explain again how it’s going to be there?” asked Isabel

“Sure, I am going to live in a house with a couple of students from Blue Glass, some humans and a tutor. I will go to a normal school from nine A.M to two P.M, and from five P.M to seven P.M I will go to a magic school they call night schoolI liked this part.” she said brushing her caramel blonde hair with her fingers. “And I will attend the night school every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.”

“You’re so lucky” said Isabel leaning her head on a cushion with a dreamy look and hugging a pillow.

“Nina! Your mother just called saying it’s almost dinner!” said Ivy’s mother from the kitchen.

“I have to go” said Nina getting upFull stop

“Me too” said Rachel looking at her digital clock. Soon after they all left, promising to come back some other day.

On the whole there were many mistakes here and there and this seemed a very much similar to the Harry Potter series. A magic school for witches and maybe wizards, heavy ooks, old setting and all. But you can always give it your own dimension, writing style, voice, plot different to that of J.K Rowling. As it would be compared to HP series now and then so you have to improve your writing, make it bold, expressive, descriptive and use your imagination for creating a school different from Hogwarts. That only could make the reader glued to the book.

Good luck,
Keep Writing!

~Shubhi

Hey Legandaryrose, I'm Aqua and I'll be annoying you with a review today!
First I wanted to say that I think this was actually pretty good.It grabbed my attention really quickly. It did bear some resemblence to Harry Potter, but other people have said that, so I'm not going to go on about it. Anyway, Shubhi seems to have taken care of the grammar, so I don't have to do much about that either. One problem I can see, as Zan mentioned, is that I don't feel much of a connection to your characters. I mean, Ivy could go throw herself off a bridge and I wouldn't care much. Let us know what she's thinking.
And also, the others, Nina, Isabel, Maria and Rachel are pretty much all the same. If they are not important characters, that's not too important, but if they're going to have a larger role later on in the story, you might want to give them more distinguishing features. Let one of them be obsessed with rabbits, the other one plump and friendly, just something to make them memorable. Just let us know the characters more.

This is the first piece of writing I've reviewed on this site!
I do see the resemblence this bears to Harry Potter- the letter, the school of msgic, the old fashioned way the witches have. I don't see this as a very bad thing as long as you are aware of this and you do your best not to fall into that trap. Because this genre is very popular right now so you can work that into any story. Just put your own spin on it.

There are a lot of mior characters to keep up with straight away. It's a bit confusing and to be honest, they seem pretty 2D straight away. It might make them more realistic if you were a bit more descriptive in their personalities- maybe just add in that one of them was worried about her,( maybe she bit her fingernails or chewed her hair) Little mannerisms would bring them to life, I think.

PS: Shouldn't 'in carriage' be 'by carriage' ?

These are only suggestions and it's completely your story to do what you like with! I hope I helped a little bit! (",) xx