Tree

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At the top of the hill,
there is a tree. In the summer,
it is green and lush. In the winter, the
lush leaves disappear and expose only bare
branches. It’s a lot like people. We look good
on the surface, but when it comes down to it
the ugly branches underneath are what hold our
façade together. We’re all the same. We’ve all
made mistakes, some worse than others. We
all go through tough times. But keep in
mind, no matter what,

it
will
always
be
sum-
-mer
again
soon.


__________________________________________________________________________________________
So that's just something I pounded out in about five minutes one day when I was in a really bad mood. Maybe I should point out that I'm totally NOT a poet, but I wanted to see what you guys thought of this anyway. :)
Last edited by GenShawklan on Mon May 24, 2010 2:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Stop being defined by what people think of you." - Glee

"Dare to be different; if you blend in, no one will ever notice you. It's the unique ones they remember."

Please review one of my writings (preferably All I Know of Hate) and I'll return the favor! :)




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Points 7577
Reviews 126
I like your formatting of the poem, I mean, who wouldn't. Also, there is a good and meaningful message behind this, which is stick through it. You obviously saw that in your bad mood time. And I know you're not a poet, but... if you were interested in becoming one, then here's a little tip. In poetry, especially lyric poetry, it's always good to maintain a beat to your poem. So if you were to read it aloud, that would help with the beat. You could analyze the beat, and make sure everything sounds according to that beat. :smt040 Keep writing! :mrgreen:
And the angel said unto him, “stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.” But lo, he could not stop, for the angel was hitting him with his own hands.




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Points 4532
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Hi Genshawklan.

I like this poem. I like the way you structured it so it looks like a tree (Very clever) I also very much like the poem itself.

Your use of description and imagery is very good. I love how you tied this in with human emotions and feelings so it's not just a description

My favorite line is [quote="GenShawklan"]
will
always
be
sum-
-mer
again
soon.

quote]

Because it very much comes up the mood of this poem, and it's also just a very good line.

You can very much feel the angst in this poem. You said you wrote this when you were in a bad mood and that really comes through, which is a very good skill to have.

Two things you could improve on is firstly, the flow of this poem is not very good. It's clunky and clumsy in places. Try and work on your spacing of words to try and improve on this a little.

Secondly, I think if you tied this in with a story, it would really make the poem more fleshed out. I would like to congratulate you having very good grammar, a factor a lot of poems lack. I do think you should keep going with poetry and you are very talented.

verawinters
Who is John Galt?



The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
— Marcel Proust