To Say Something<3

PLease comment. What do you think? Do You Like it? Is there anything i could do to make it sound better? Rearanging words or using more adj's?

If you are a constant memory,
And Love never fades, then we've gotta be,
Something more than a dream, Clearly seen.
Say the words of this beginning..

When you play a song on your guitar,
There's a melody of strings in my heart.
The colors run, and Become works of art,
Say the words and give us a start.

Everything you are, the laugh that pulled me in,
Oh, into your arms and you smiled again.
It's a fantasy but it seems like it's real when..
You open your lips as if to say somethin'.

I liked the first stanza the best. In particular, the memory being more than a dream image was just lovely. The last line, though, seems to come out of nowhere, since there's nothing to do with speaking or words in the rest of the stanza. Same goes for the last line of the second stanza.

There's a bit of jumping around with the imagery in the second and last stanzas. Where did the colors come from? What is the fantasy? If you can answer these two major questions, show how they arise from the guitar song and the laugh, then this poem will be much stronger.

Another thing I noticed was the rhyme. There's no rhyme in the first stanza, the first three lines of the second stanza rhyme, and then all of the last stanza's lines rhyme. While you did separate them into stanzas, this is still a bit inconsistent, especially since all the lines in all the stanzas are basically the same length. I suggest deciding whether or not you want to rhyme, picking a scheme, and sticking to it.

Yet another thing you should look at is the punctuation and capitalization. It confused me in a couple of places because it wasn't always grammatically correct. Why are "clearly" and "become" capitalized? Why are there two periods instead of one? Did you want ellipses (...), instead? And so on.

Overall, it's not a bad start. Expand on how each idea leads into the other, pick a rhyme scheme and stick to it, and be more careful with your punctuation, and you should be fine.

Oh, I read through this, and I loved it!
I did have a few personal issues with it. (They don't need to be changed. They just bother me personally)

The first stanza just sounded a bit awkward to me. I don't know why, but it did. It's probably just me, but yeah.
The second stanza was better. It was easier to read to me, and plus, I loved the reference to the music and arts and stuff. I love music and art.

The third stanza was my favorite. I read it out loud, and it sounded so pretty.

Kyllorac wrote:Everything you are, the laugh that pulled me in,
Oh, into your arms and you smiled again.
It's a fantasy but it seems like it's real when..
You open your lips as if to say somethin'.

red- I liked this. it sounded really epic or pretty, or some sort of positive adjective.
blue- I thought this line was very nice. I always love using apostrophes in place of letters in writing because that's how people actually talk.

Overall, I really loved this poem. Keep it up!

-Emily

Hey there,

First Impression: I liked your poem. Anything I write is of the intent to be helpful. First of all, I thought this was a great example of the poetry category that you put it in. It reminded me of my experiences with 'American gypsys.' In your writing, you really manage to capture part of what it is to be a free spirit, and the heart break that such freedom cost; I don't know what inspired you to write this, but I could still relate with your writing. Secondly, some of your punctuation is confusing and maybe even unnecessary, but I only caught one capitalization error. I don't really care much about punctuation and grammar as long as a poem is understandable, which yours was with some minor errors. Last of all, and adding this in as an edit, this is the most important part of this critique. The ending of your poem is very awkward and weak, and the last word just fell away disappointingly, like the last few minutes of an energy-charged, tied score sport's game...for the losing team. It would still be a passable rhyme to spell it correctly, but that's not even what I really believe to be the thing that cripples it so, it's just what you do with it - it just tapers off the flow and thought too abruptly.

Second Read Through: I still really like it, except these lines -
EDIT: italicized: needs playing around with
"And Love never fades,
then we've gotta be
Something more than a dream, clearly seen."

and the ending just disappoints me. I think you have a great beginning and I really love your ideas, language, and images - it just doesn't seem finished.

Keep writing, dear!
- Mandorelute

[quoteIf you are a constant memory,And Love never fades, then we've gotta be,][/quote]

I could definitely hear this put to music and sang...being as such, I don't think this is as much as a poem as it is a song. The simplistic rhyme scheme is like a melody and would fit perfectly as lyrics (hence, lyrical forum, right?) This line I especially liked, the plainclothes, unassuming voice in the line as told through the words of someone experiencing it, someone not yet jaded by the "high risk/high reward" sentiment of love. Overall, though, I dug this.

Hello there, Pacific_Sky14! I'm Firearris (or Heather, if you prefer), and I'll be your reviewer tonight!

I believe I've seen other works of yours, and I've always been a fan of your stuff. I like the way you wrote this, and how you used proper grammar and punctuation and such, most people don't! The poem itself is nice, and it shows what you are wanting to say quite well.

Keep it up, and keep writing more!

~Heather