Young Writers Society

They say death is a bucket of bones,
working for the devil, living off loans.

Who said death isnt an angel?
Higher than the others, an archangel?

Dark as black midnight.
Bright as morning light.

Invisible to the naked eye,
the legend is nothing but a lie.

Death is relief.
Life is the true hell.

I liked this; it was quite sweet and contemplative.

Only thing that annoyed me was that some of the rhymes are a bit awkward - angel/archangel, for example. Maybe that could be changed, if not by finding another word that rhymes with 'angel', then by rearranging the sentence?

(Also, 'releif' should be 'relief', though that's not a big deal as such)

Keep writing, you seem like you have lots of potential

kidashka wrote:I liked this; it was quite sweet and contemplative.

Only thing that annoyed me was that some of the rhymes are a bit awkward - angel/archangel, for example. Maybe that could be changed, if not by finding another word that rhymes with 'angel', then by rearranging the sentence?

(Also, 'releif' should be 'relief', though that's not a big deal as such)

Keep writing, you seem like you have lots of potential

Thanks, but archangel is the only word I could
think of that really has any sign of rhyme or rythem.
Heh, but I'll have to look more into what could rhyme. (:

Kitty:

This, per usual, was absolutely genius, if i do say so myself. I loved the way it rhymed, but wasn't at all forced.

It flowed elegantly, like icing laced on a cake; it just seemed to fit. I liked the way you said

They say death is a bucket of bones,
working for the devil, living off loans.

I thought that worked out quite nicely. Please keep on posting!


-Love always, Elfy

xxKittyKatxx wrote:They say death is a bucket of bones,
working for the devil, living off loans.

Who said death isnt an angel?
Higher than the others, an archangel?

Dark as black midnight.
Bright as morning light.

Invisible to the naked eye,
the legend is nothing but a lie.

Death is releif.
Life is the true hell.

Hello! So, here I am to review your work. I'm not good, but I'll do my best.

For a beginner like you here in yws, I see you have already posted your poem. I think this is very good and perfect, a real stroke of genius. Every stanza is meaningful, and I can't find many critiques in your work, except maybe for ARCHANGEL in the second stanza and "relief" in the last part. Other than that, it's awesome. And I sort of agree with you about the message: Life is the true hell.

Keep it up, you did a very good job!

darkangel_05

I won't lie to you none of it flowed and when that happens others don't know what you are tyring to make them see and that can throw them off completely. I didn't even get a visual for what picture you were trying to create in my mind. I think your work could use some work.

I won't lie to you none of it flowed and when that happens others don't know what you are tyring to make them see and that can throw them off completely. I didn't even get a visual for what picture you were trying to create in my mind. I think your work could use some work.

Thanks for the critique. Although its not positive, Im a good sport and a tough cookie, but thanks. The poem is a metaphore, if you read between the lines, it really wasnt a poem with "imagery".

Thanks again,
Kat. =^..^=

Not sure that I agree with the way life if portrayed in this piece yet the emotion make this great.
You say that life is a true hell though I believe if we can overcome own trials and tribulations we will find peace of mind maybe life will not be so much of a hell.
Great work! Keep writing!
-Dawn

Hey xxKittyKatxx!

Loved it! Simply astonishing! Love the shortness to it which makes it beautifully written! But I do think you contradict the title with a line from you poem:

Invisible to the naked eye,
the legend is nothing but a lie.

Death is relief.

Is this intentional or is it just me? Other thank that-GREAT WORK!

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter

it was good i enjoyed reading your poem, it flowed and i liked that face that death could be an angel and that life could be hell

this is my first review so if it wasn't any good sorry

Very nicely done. I loved reading it and I thought it was great. The only problem that I had with it was here:

Dark as black midnight.
Bright as morning light.

I think that you could have just put a comma wher the period is to gicew it the flow that you already had going.
Nothing else, really. Beautiful work.

Ok, so this is pretty good.

Who said death isnt an angel?
Higher than the others, an archangel?

ik someone said it before, but it is bugging me as well. But angel and archangel is very bad to put!

But I must say I love the last two lines! Good work =)

This is a great poem. With my poetic mind, I would agree with the last stanza but my regular mind wouldn't. A lot of people corrected you with your rhymes, which I have to agree with. I wish it was longer! The poem I mean. I'm not too fancy on rhymes, but that was the first one I liked. Keep it up!

I liked this. It was a different way to look at things. I hope you keep writing, you have real promise.