Warning signs

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The walls all around me were a darkish grey I was in the police station, a man in a dark blue suite was sitting across from me. He was apparently here to ask me a few questions but no amount of questions would fix anything. Everyone kept telling me it wasn’t my fault that things would be OK, witch I found hard to believe.

“What happened, its OK just tell me all you can."

“Steven." I murmured

“Could you repeat that?"

“Steven, his name is Steven."

"Anything else you’d like to add." he's voice was deep and somehow unsettling.

I cleared my throat before I began telling my story.

I can remember the day like it was yesterday. The day I met him the sun was shining brightly and the air had the sweet smell of strawberries in it. At first when I sat there in my denim overalls and white shirt he didn’t notice me but then he caught my eye and smiled.


“hey." he said as he walked over to me.

“Hey." I replied

“You from around here?" he said running his hand through his hair. My heart skipped a beat.

“No, I actually live in New York I’m just here to visit my grandma."

Which I was. I frowned at the memory of my father dragging me here to spend some ‘quality family bonding time' with my grandma. I didn’t care much for the small town she lived in. in fact I hated small towns. I hated how everyone seemed to know who you were and how there was literally nothing to do.

‘Oh yeah? me too."

I looked at him. He couldn’t possibly be serious. He looked nothing like a city kid. He had dark soft brown eyes and jet black hair.

“You don't believe me."

“You don't look like a New York kid to me."

“I get that a lot, its cause I spend most my holidays here.” He said without any hesitation.

Was he telling the truth? Actually I didn’t really care.

“How long are you here for?”

“Just until tomorrow.” I said.

Thankfully we’d only been here for a week,

Our conversation carried on like that until my father called me and told me it was time to come back. I spent the following morning with him just talking about a lot of interesting things; he was actually pretty cool for a small-town boy. Oh wait a city boy. Whichever, I didn’t really mind.

I had to leave at one, just when I actually found something to do. I thought I was never going to see him again, so it really surprised me when he showed up on my doorstep the following week.

“Hey.”

“Hey……….what are you doing here?”

“I live here remember.”

“Oh.” I really didn’t think he was being serious

“So you want to go catch a movie?”

“Yeah sure.”

I rushed up the stairs and grabbed me jacket. At the time I didn’t even think it was a bit strange that he knew were my house was

We went and saw a movie and I remember thinking how happy I was when the guy at the counter mistook us for a couple. Were we a couple? I thought to myself. The me back then seemed so young and naive.

“Steven are we a couple?’ I asked while we were still watching the movie.
He turned to me and stared at me with a puzzled look on his face. He stayed quiet for a while as if he was considering it.

“If you want us to be.” I smiled. I hadn’t had a boyfriend in a while and certainly not one as good looking as Steven.

He reached over to my hand and held it, it was warm. I remember how happy I felt when he did that, too happy to see the warning signs.

We continued like that for a while watching movie’s and just talking. He seemed normal enough. I mean he didn’t try anything funny and he only kissed me when I asked him to.
It was twelve o’clock when he called me and asked me to meet him at a local park. At first I didn’t want to but he sounded frightened so I got dressed and got there as fast as I could.

It was dark and Steven was standing at beside one of the benches. I walked over to him hesitantly at first.

“What’s wrong Steve?”

He looked at me with the most sympathetic eyes and mouthed a ‘sorry’. Before I knew it someone grabbed me from behind and tied me up. I looked up at Steven his face was blank. How could I have been so stupid? I kept thinking. I started to cry and pretty soon I was in hysterics. The person behind me tied dragged me to a white van and haled me inside. I tried to brake free the whole way but it didn’t help.

I took them three months to find me and it took me about a week before I was ready to speak to them about it.


The detective looked up at me with a look of sympathy on his face.

“Have you found Steven yet?...he must be in trouble too…..”

“Kate …he’s the one who gave you to those men…. He’s probably done it to hundreds of girls.”

I shook my head. That wasn’t possible, Steven loved me he had even said so.

I looked up at the detective.

“no your wrong he loves me.”
Last edited by Writerchick on Tue May 25, 2010 5:14 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Alex: I didn't set fire to the building.

Ash: No, but you did pull it into the river.

Alex: That put the fire out!




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Hello! I think that this has a lot of potential to be a haunting and deep piece, but right now, you need to work on your character development and descriptions. You also need to work on your punctuation and grammar; I found some mistakes here and there and I'm sure you can catch them if you re-read over this a couple of times.

Everyone kept telling me it wasn’t my fault that things would be OK, witch I found hard to believe.


This sentence would be a much better opener than the one you already have. It immediately draws the reader in and causes us to want to read more.

“What happened, its OK just tell me all you can."

“Steven." I murmured

“Could you repeat that?"

“Steven, his name is Steven."

"Anything else you’d like to add." he's voice was deep and somehow unsettling.

I cleared my throat before I began telling my story.


Add in some more descriptions in this area. Right now, it's a little bare. How did the police officer talk? How does your main character talk? What did their facial expressions look like?

I think that you should develop the the main character's relationship with Steven a lot more. She needs to really trust him in order to blatantly walk out of her home and go to the movies with him. She only knew this guy for a couple of days, right? You also might want to describe some "gut feelings" of her's as she is talking to this guy. Like: Warning bells were going off in my head, but I ignored them. He couldn't be dangerous. Not Steven.

That wasn’t possible, Steven loved me he had even said so.


When did he say that? You might want to describe that scene, because he didn't say it at all during the time they went to the movies and she was kidnapped after that.

All in all, I really think you have a good idea here, you just need to polish it up and add in some details.

Keep writing!

Embee
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. - Bob Marley




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Nice! I agree with Embee 100%. You do have mny errors but your story is chatchy! I loved it! I think this story has good potential keep on writing.
Nike :)
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek



You have light and peace inside you. If you let it out, you can change the world around you.
— Uncle Iroh, Avatar the Last Airbender