I Could Really Use a Wish Right Now (1 of 2)

I'm not entirely sure where I was going with this...even half way there. I still don't know what's going to come next.
Rated 12+ for some suggestive themes.


"I wish I could forget what I remember and remember what I've forgotten," Charlie grumbled, nibbling on what remained of last night's twenty-three boxes of pizza and spinning around on one of the stools situated around the kitchen island.
"Honestly, I'm surprised you remember anything at all. You were puttin' 'em away at twice the speed I was," Henry chuckled from the stool next to her. "How is it you're so, well, not hung over anyways?"
Charlie, mouth rimmed with marinara sauce, just shrugged. "No idea. I'm just one of those lucky few with happy hangovers I suppose."
"Well you're still a slutty drunk, Charlie, hangover or no hangover," Tori said with a smirk, leaning against the kitchen island. Lip stick was smudged on her chin and a streak of mascara ran down from her left eye. "I can't believe you had sex with my cousin."
"Stop reminding me," Charlie snapped, leaning against Henry who was starting to smell ripe. "Is he still asleep?"
"Yeah," Tori answered. "He was talkin' about you until he fell asleep. And he was pretty infatuated with the birthmark on your butt."
Charlie's face flushed red. "Can we not talk any more about this?"
"Nope," Henry answered quickly. "What else did he say?"
"Well it was a lot of slurring, but I do remember him saying something about you making the "hottest moans" that he's ever heard," Tori snickered, sitting down on one of the stools opposite of Charlie and Henry. "Now where's the aspirin? I've got a headache like none other."
"How should we know? This is your house," Henry said, shaking his head.
Tori paused, ran a hand through her sleep-tousled turquoise hair, and shook her head, a little confused. "You might just be on to something." She giggled, got up and started rummaging through a cupboard.
Charlie grabbed a hold of the side of the counter and started herself spinning again. "So, who all is still here?" She clamped onto the counter and jerked to a halt.
"Well, there are two of Tori's guy friends in the spare bedroom where I was sleeping. And there are two girls still on the couch."
Tori sat back down and threw a handful of little white pills into her mouth. "And Scott's in my room along with my sister."
"You know taking that many aspirin can't be healthy for you," Charlie remarked. "And please tell me that Scott's a heavy sleeper, Tori."
An ironic throat cleared in the hallway and everyone turned. "I'm sorry to disappoint you but I'm not."
Charlie's face flushed a shade of red comparable to a baboon's back side. She looked away and the others glanced down.
"Charlie..." Scott huffed.
"Just forget it ever happened, Scott," she snapped, grabbing for her pizza. Henry elbowed her in the ribcage and she dropped the slice.
"Can we just talk?" He moved closer to the island but he kept his gaze steadily on Charlie. "Please," he begged.
She closed her eyes and nodded crassly. "Fine. Just wait for me in the garage. I'll be there in a minute, okay."
He shook his head and walked down the hall. The three of them were silent until they heard the outside door slam shut. In an instant, Charlie was on her feet.
"What in the hell am I going to say?"
Tori reached into one of the pizza boxes and grabbed a slice for herself. "Well, what do you want to say?"
"Don't be doin' that to me. I'm the one asking questions."
Henry quickly grabbed her arm. "Settle down, Charlie. Just, go out there, be a big girl, and ask him what he has to say."
Charlie wrapped her arms around Henry. "You're the best gay a girl could ask for." She let go and stood up.
"Oh, you're just saying that," Henry chuckled and gave an overly dramatic flick of his wrist. "Now get your scrawny butt out there." He grabbed her by the shoulders abruptly and spun her towards the door, shoving gently and quickly closing the space between where she was and where she didn't want to be.

This is very nice. It shocked me when the MC (Charlie) ad sex with her friends cousin, this made me more interested (which is very good!!!) no problems. Just keep on typing!
Check out mine : Unknown Incidence
Nike

Hello! This was cute! Made me giggle at 7:40 in the morning

Charlie grumbled, nibbling on what remained of last night's twenty-three boxes of pizza and spinning around on one of the stools situated around the kitchen island.

Maybe revise that, a bit long and runs on.

started herself spinning again.

Maybe try:
"...started spinning herself..."

"Don't be doin' that to me. I'm the one asking questions."

Hahahaha!


The ending kind of left me in doubt, not a big fan of it. And the information given in this passage was scarce but I do remember a part two, so hopefully that will make up for it. I will definitely read it!

This was really good! I'm looking forward to reading the next part and finding out what happens between Charlie and Scott.
The openess between the three friends was really nice to see as well. I could imagine them all in the kitchen, eating pizza slices and Charlie's friends teasing her about having sex with Tori's cousin. Hopefully we'll get more of an idea what Scott looks like in the next one, I kinda felt he was all name but no face, if you get what I mean.

Charlie grumbled, nibbling on what remained of last night's twenty-three boxes of pizza and spinning around on one of the stools situated around the kitchen island.

This seemed a little long without pauses or anything. I'd suggest finding a good spot to divide it up or add a comma, just so the reader doesn't feel like he/she is stumbling over the words.

Tori sat back down and threw a handful of little white pills into her mouth. "And Scott's in my room along with my sister."

I was wondering about this line though. It's the first time we are introduced to Scott, who is obviously the cousin, but it felt...I dunno, a little weird, because it seemed that he was just the cousin and now he was named...I don't know, maybe it's just myself. Ignore all of that!!

A nice start, not a lot of grammatical errors! Looking forward to part 2!

Hey there! Suzanne here with the review you requested! ^^ So I believe you wanted me to talk about flow and tone.

Your flow isn't so bad, accept at the beginning your characters appear to just *pop* into the scene out of no where. You might want to set the scene better or bring your characters in it with less sudden-ness. It also made it hard to tell who was speaking when because I don't know anything about who all these different people are, but they all talk the same. Might want to add in more of a chunk of characterization!

Other than that, no comments on flow. There didn't seem to be much of a prevailing tone to this story. If by tone, you mean mood. It didn't really give off any kind of mood, but it did sound like the day after a house party.

I'd say my biggest suggestions would be to add more detail and more characterization. Also, who is Scott? Is Scott the cousin? Because you didn't say that, and it's hard to make the immediate connection and figure out what's going on towards the end of this part.

It's interesting, for sure. ^^ I'm curious how you plan on turning it into a romance! Best of luck, hope the review helped.

Hi, I'm Apple and I'm here to fufil my promise and do the review I said I would do.

I couldn't find any mistakes on this, either that or I'm just way to tired and prepped up on Milo to really notice. I think this is a very interesting story, and do find it a rather easy to read. (In a good way easy, not baby baby easy, like more of a interesting...I should shut up!):smt004

You really captivated me and I couldn't stop reading. I would have to say though, that sometimes you would use everyday words and sometimes complicated words that it was rather confusing. For the speech of the teens you really made it work well, though with some of the other things it sort of just jumbled it up.

I cannot really comment on any more because I'm practically falling out of my chair. I must say though, this is a very good story and I really enjoyed it...

Now I must hit the hay (go to sleep) and try and get some 'Z's'. If you have anything else that you would like reviewed I would be happy to, and I'll try in all my will power to make it when I am fully awake and not gaping wide mouthed at the screen.

~Apple's Reviews.

This was okay I guess. I liked the title it grabbed my attention and that is important when you are drawing the readers attention. Other than that it was good keep at it I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.