stars and palms

Everyone knows the name of my home,
the land of stars and palms.
And everyone wishes to come here someday,
to make a name and home of their own.

As it stands on the coast,
sand overrun with activity,
my home cries for a name that's unknown.

Hello
Well, this poem has potential and I sort of liked it. The problems I had was that it was not enough. It's too short. The poem talks about your land, which was supposed to be this amazing land where people want to make their homes (which by the way, I thought that line rocked) but that statement hangs onto nothing. It is supposed to be connected to some feelings of desire and envy on the sole purpose of some description and imagery of some sort so that I the reader can connect and relate at the same time. I feel you should maybe revise this poem and expand it because it wants to be lovely! I am not sure if you are getting me.

originalhobbit wrote:As it stands on the coast,
sand overrun with activity,
my home cries for a name that's unknown.

This stanza though is perfect. You shouldn't change it. But it is a pity though that this lovely stanza which ends the poem beautifully, does not have a history or it comes out of nowhere. So please, tell me a bit more about this land. I hope I am helping here,
Keep on writing, I like your style, its deep.

This was very short, which wasn't a bad thing at all. I actually liked how this poem was so brief, and how the last stanza tied into the first. I think you could tie the two stanzas more closely together by starting the second with a "But". Not only will it make the connection between the two halves of the poem more obvious, it will also even out the line lengths in the second stanza. Right now, the second line of the second stanza sounds a bit awkward. Adding another syllable to the first line (by way of the "but") would fix that.

I really like this poem. It could be a little longer, but it doesn't need that. The second stanza kind of jolted me out of my trance you made with the first stanza. I don't really know why. I think it could use the word "but" like some people have said. This would connect it more.

originalhobbit wrote:But, As it stands on the coast,
sand overrun with activity,
my home cries for a name that's unknown.

Wish I could have helped more

A. S.

Thanks for all the great reviews. Now, for some clarification: this poem is really about my home, It's about California. Specifically, it's about the fame and infamy that Southern California (well, Hollywood) has garnered, and how much I dislike the other parts of the state constantly being in its shadow.

Oh Hi! I like this poem, it's short and plain but it contains a mysterious little add that capture my interest. Nice structure and flow too! I wish you could extend it a bit though, short poems are good but this tells a story that seems to grasp much further than this. I feel like it needs more imagery and imformation... I like that it's mysterious, and please keep your words hidden but express it more.. the text I mean - Make it feel even more mysterious, make it extreme! For Now, I give you 3½/5 spiders but it really has potenital to be much more than it is so I think you could reach at least 4 spiders... maybe even 4½... 4 and 3 quarters... FIVE!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness