Blind Love

Blind Love

She is lying down
on the floor so cold,
her body's weak,
her words untold.

He is standing there,
like an evil shade,
watching her soul,
slowly fade.

She's desperately praying,
for a second chance,
refuses to believe,
it was a fake romance.

He breaks her hope,
with a spit in her face,
he is the devil,
not a man of grace.

She still can’t see,
he broke her heart
still in love though,
he broke her appart.

He speakes to her,
see the smile on her lips,
she's in love with that voice,
that fades when the sound drips.

She is so innocent,
cant even recognize death,
when he looks at her,
she still looses her breath.

He starts to screams,
her love for him isn't sane,
he doesn't understant it,
so he turns insane.

She is looking up,
on the face of stone,
from her throat you hear,
the final moan.

He turns away,
doesn’t dare to look
is it regret,
from the life he took?

______________________________________________________

Hey, I'm Carden.

So nitpicking.

her body's week and her words untold

I think you mean 'weak' instead of 'week'.

She pray a wish, for a second chance

The 'pray' sounds unnatural in this context. I would work for: 'She'll pray a wish' but otherwise she need to show she is in the act of praying. So, 'She prays a wish' Would also work.

fading when the sound drips

Sounds like you forced the sentence to make it rhyme.

doesn’t bare to look

I think you meant 'dare' instead of 'bare'

Whew. The boring and icky part is over. Onto the good!

I enjoyed the poem.

It had a simple rhyming scheme and was organized. It had a good pace to it and I liked the story behind it.

The title is very fitting in a non-conventional sense. As most people, when they think of love being blind, don't think it to be a negative. However, the love the girl is feelings is not only blind, it is completely oblivious. Which makes things even more tragic.

I think many people can relate to this poem, from both sides of the spectrum on this topic and that is an awesome thing.

The only advice I have is to tighten and fix up the poem a little.

You show a lot of promise! Keep it up!

PM me if you ever need a review.

Below are some adjustments capitalize

She LAYS down on the floor so cold
her body's WEAK and her words untold

He STANDS there, like an evil shade
watching her soul slowly fade (forget about the comma there and if not for the rythm you are trying to create I would have prefer word such as Melt away, dwindle, fail or wane.)

She prayS a wish, for a second chance
not believING it, a fake romance (your word here were just too much so I try to reduce it a bit)

He breaks her hope with a spit in her face
he is the devil, not a man of grace

She still can’t see, he broke her heart
still in love, even when he pulled her apart( this stanza i must say is little too confusing I couldn't get the sense of it until I read it over again)

He makes a call, see the smile on her lips
by the sound of his voice, fading when the sound drips ( this stanza too is out of place what does the call have to do with anything, and also the use of "sound" twice in the same line is not stylish)

She is so innocent, cant even recognize death
when he looks at her, she still looses her breath

He screams, her love for him makes him sad
it makes him think, how did things become this bad(from this point you try to create a different picture for the male character which seem inconsistent for this poem)

She is looking up, on the face of stone
from her throat you hear, the final moan

He turns away, doesn’t DARE to look
is it regret, from the life he took ( this last line seriously I dont get I know you are trying to make the male character seem to regret what he has done but how does this last line help?)

You had a strong rhyme, but, as carden already pointed out, you sacrificed coherency in some places and consistency in others. A lot of your lines have different lengths, which throws off the flow, rhythm, and rhyme. With rhyming poems especially, you need to have a consistent pattern, and making sure your lines all have the same number of syllables is a good way of doing that.

As far as the subject goes, it was an interesting interpretation of "love is blind", but it wasn't presented interestingly. There's no unique imagery or perspective that sets this poem apart from any other; in fact, a lot of the phrases and imagery you used (evil shade, fake romance, etc.) are common to the point of being cliche. With poetry, it's important to present things in a way that is unique, in a way that only you could have presented it. This poem has none of that.

Another thing you need to watch out for is your spelling and word choice. Again, carden has pointed out some of them, but not all of them. Be more careful that you're using the correct word/spelling, and if you're unsure, use a dictionary; that's what dictionaries exist for, after all.

Overall, the concept behind the poem isn't bad, but you need to work on presenting it better.

.

Heya! Alright, this poem had several nitpick-y things in it, but I think everyone else caught those. I think overall, this is good. It tells a story, a good one. It's raw, but I can't quite call it emotional- it seemed to lack that for me. I think if we got to know the characters, at least the girl, better, I'd appreciate it more. Your rhymes were good, but you sprinkle in extra words here and there that you don't need. Anything that messes up the flow of a line should be modified or taken out. Overall, nice job.

Apart from the mispelled words and incorrect grammar,
this poem was actually very good.
It did throw me off a little as I was trying to read it,
however, I loved it.

Thankuu all for your replies, and a little extra thankuu to the nice parts x))
I know i mess up all the time, but when you dont speak english originally it's hard to notice the mistakes immidiately..

// Sagaa

Now is my chance to review some of your work. Dear, Non-Rival. I think it's solid for a first post. Usually first posts are naive but this certainly doesn't hold back at all. I liked your rhyming and your rhythm throughout. For an improvement though, I would say to double check a few paragraphs. 1 or 2 o them don't really need to be there and the pace kinda suffers from that. Overall, better than usual first post! Great job.