Never, Never

So I said, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest."

Sometimes I like to stare at the ocean. In the early morning it glitters with a beautiful turquoise, brilliant amongst the navy sky; stars fading into the blackness above. The sea is still and quiet, thinking. Just below my window is the sand, golden and seductive. I long to leap from my place and run to it. Run away from here. To the sand, the ocean...the horizon.

Last night I had the dream again. I woke up crying. My family were standing on this giant, floating rock, gold and crumbly, ready to set sail to the ocean behind them. There was a wall I was standing on, like the path on the Great Wall of China, jagged rock fences separating me from them. I tried to reach out to them, but they were drifting away. My entire family drifting away. Then I was alone.

"Samantha? Oh, you're awake," Sophie nudged the door open a little bit, and slipped in. She came towards me and stroked my hair, her eyes gazing over onto the ocean. "It's beautiful," She murmured. I could only nod. She looked back down at me.
"You're up early," I said. She smiled fondly.
"So are you. Are you alright? I was just checking on you, I thought I heard something,"
"I'm fine," I reassured her. She stroked my hair again.
"Okay, kiddo. Are you going back to bed? Or are we starting our morning together now?" Her face is so tired, small crinkles fall onto the sides of her eyes-wide and hazel. I shake my head.
"We are going back to bed, so go!" I ordered firmly, pushing her away. I felt her tense.
"Okay, Sam. See you later, then," She pressed her lips against my temple and moved away. Strong whirl pools of emotion rose and twisted inside of me. I let out a small whisper.
"You can leave me, you know," My back was facing her, my eyes glued to the outside. Sophie didn't speak. "Mum did," I added quietly. Sophie suddenly began weeping. My face crumpled, squeezing back tears. I had to be strong.

Sophie was older than me, but she took it harder than I did when Mum left us both for good. I try not remember why, or how, or even when-but it never leaves me; the image of mum's cheerful face, leaning down to me, promising to be back with something nice to eat. Sophie stood in the doorway, only thirteen. She sensed something I did not at the time, and her whole body was stiff. Mum paused and looked at her. Something passed through the silence, and Sophie turned and disappeared down the hallway to her bedroom. When mum looked back at me, her eyes were wet and glassy. She kissed me on the temple, and said goodbye.

"Sam, what?" Sophie raced toward me, bending down and locking me in her embrace. "Sam, Sam, Sam," She whispered fiercely. "I love you Sam, more than anyone in this world. You are my sister, forever and always, no matter what,"
"But I'm...I'm holding you back. We have no one else, I've only got you," I struggle for words, "but you've got a whole lot more than me. I'm ugly and I'm useless, I'm-,"
"Sam," The words toppled from my mouth, icy and defeated.
"I'm crippled. That's why mum left, isn't it?"
"No Sam, no, no, no-,"
"You can leave me, I swear,"
"Samantha! I love you, always. I will never leave you, ever," She cried softly. My finger travelled down the side of my chair, hitting the wheel in a cold shock.
"You're beautiful, Sam. Remember that, and never forget it. Never, never." I glanced away from her, out into the lightening sky. Sunlight had just begun to peek over the horizon, sending long, beautiful streaks across the sea.

Sometimes I like to stare at the ocean. And sometimes, I like to think the ocean stares back at me.

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Alright, to be honest...I don't like this story. I like the beginning and the ending, but with the middle I was just trying to stick something in there to make something up. I will eventually end up re-writing the entire plot, but until then..tear this to shreds

Hey Auteur

My face crumples, squeezing back tears. I have to be strong. - You switch tenses here. Before this you have been writing in past tense so this should probably be 'crumpled' not 'crumples'

She sensed something I did not at the time, and her whole entire body was stiff. - You don't need both 'whole' and 'entire' in this sentence. They mean the same thing so you are just repeating it. So pick one or the other.

That's all I found for little nitpicks. I think the problems with this story are bigger so I will move on.

Character - I really don't have any idea about your characters in this story except what you tell me. I didn't feel like I got a sense of them at all. Just as I was getting into this story you rushed into this big dramatic moment and there was crying and hugging and a twist and then it was over. Also I didn't get much of a sense of your characters through your dialogue. They both sounded the same and so by the time the twist came I didn't care that much because I didn't feel connected to the characters.

Pacing - I think your pacing is way too fast really. You have this sort of calm moment at the beginning and then, as said before, you rush into this dramatic moment and try to get all the details out at once. I think you need to take your time with this piece a bit more. Set up the relationship between the sisters. Maybe have them talk for a little while before the drama happens. Drop in hints about the mother leaving throughout the story instead of bombarding the reader with it at once and kind of leaving them cold. I also think that with a twist like this, her being in a wheelchair, it's always better if you weave the twist somewhat seamlessly throughout the story, giving hints but not enough to completely tip the reader off. So I think that you need to lengthen this piece and give it more time to develop so it doesn't feel so rushed.

Dialogue - The dialogue wasn't that great here. It felt kind of stunted and unnatural and didn't give off a sense of character. Remember that your dialogue doesn't have to be perfect English and that different people have different rhythms when they talk. We don't all talk the same and your characters do. Think about your character and their personality and how you might show this through in how they speak. Try to read your dialogue out loud and see if it seems like something someone would say. I also think that because you were trying to be dramatic in this piece, the dialogue suffered somewhat. I think that if in stories where you are trying to push the drama, the dialogue usually suffers.

Description - I thought the description was fairly good in this piece. You have a tendency to create either quite short sentences or quite long sentences. The short ones create this stunted feel and makes it so that the story doesn't flow well and the long sentences can confuse the reader. So I would just look back through the piece and see if there is any way you can rework the sentences.

Overall - I think you need to revisit this piece and see how you can subtly build up to this climax rather than rushing into it as you are here. I think this kind of drama needs time to build up, especially the twist. With the twist I think you should spend time thinking about how to weave it through the entire narrative. I also think that you need to work out the characters, who they are and what their personalities are like and this will help you with your story.

I hope that helped! PM me if you have any questions

Bex x

Thank you! (: I'll get down to fixing that up. It was just a rough draft^^