Need My Heart To See

I literally wrote this in two minutes, and then I just finished editing it up, rip it apart. Syllable pattern 1,2,3,4,5 5,4,3,2,1

I
Only
Need my heart
To see true love
Eyes can not see it.

When you use the eyes
And cloud the heart
If you see
True love
Fake

I really love the message behind this because I love the idea that love cannot be seen with the eyes. But, since you only spent a few minutes on it, the quality of this is low. I'm sure you knew that to begin with!

The second stanza is waaay too similar to the first. I don't feel like they're saying anything different. For that matter, you're not really saying anything new, either. Plus.. it's so short. The problem with poetry is that every word you write is important because there are so few words you use to convey your message, so each and every word has to be meaningful. The shorter the poem... the harder this can get.

I think if you want to use this same meaning for a different poem, you'd be better off showing a situation in which the speaker/a person realizes that you can't find love with eyes only.

Best of luck. It's fun to play around with syllables, yeah?

I liked the poem! The main suggestion I have is to swap it around. I think that rather than having the two stanzas as saying something different like Suzanne suggests, the poem should be symmetrical, like the syllabic pattern.

For example:
Eyes
Do not
See true love

The eyes, they
Do not
See

Obviously I only wrote half the poem there, but hopefully you get the point. Now you have two suggestions of completely different ways to edit the poem haha! Have fun editing

That poem is so sweet! The sylable pattern is perfect for it and the message was quite clear. Well done!

Nice, very nice for 2 minutes.
I do think that it would be a little better if you extended it.
made it a little longer. but its good.
keep it up!
:]

Ok so I just edited it, I don't know if any of you will look back on this... but I fixed it.

Someone... anyone....? Re-review it?

Honestly, JemJive, I much preferred the original as I remember it. Mainly it's the last word "fake", it just seems so unrelated to the rest of it. I think the last stanza needs the most work, I would leave the first one (unless you need to change it to match the second, but at the moment I would leave it because I think it works).

I think for the the second stanza the problem is primarily due to the excess use of some words that you don't really need and would make the piece more punchy and poignant:

When you use the eyes
And cloud the heart
If you see
True love
Fake

For "When you" I don't think you need to identify the reader, especially seeing as you started the first stanza with "I". Make the poem about the narrator, not about the reader. If the reader gets swept up and identifies, that's great, that#s exactly what poetry is meant to do, but I don't think you need to actually identify them.

The word "and" uses up an extra syllable when a comma or semi colon could have worked just as well.

The word "if" is a bit flimsy, you should take a strong grasp of the poem and just write what the narrator is feeling, maybe if you eliminate the word "you" and write it from one person's point of view then it will remove this doubt, so the "if" can be removed.

Hope this helps and that I wasn't too harsh, but like I say I really like the first stanza, so keep the elements that worked well in that, such as the strong use of "I", strong message and great use of short punchy words that fits with the syllabic form.

Good luck, let me know how it goes Emma