Study Hall Music

I am walking slowly
As if to pay attention to everything around me
I close my eyes, and let the air come over me
I feel surrounded by the simplicity
And nakedness of being alive,
Wholly alive
And as I walk, a warmth pours over my being
I breathe in the air and it is sweet
With the history
Of itself
Its legitimacy as a sustaining force
As a provider

My feet are bare, padding the thick grass
Step after fleshy step
End to nearer end, close to close
Time for me has stopped
And I no longer move
The air is blowing softly against my skin,
So softly

I open my eyes
And in the distance
I hear the sad songs of study hall
Playing away, in their perfect audible form
I’m at the top of the hill
Eyes wide
Ears open
Completely still
Breathing deep slow breaths

The notes are so sad
And tears escape my unblinking eyes
The sun is so warm
The breeze so cold
Everything around me an antithesis
To everything

And I can’t stand knowing this
Atop my hill
I blink, turning towards the bottom
Taking the same path up,
Down

Well I don't know too much about poetry, but I really liked this! It was beautifully written!

I breath in the air and it is sweet
With the history
Of itself
Its legitimacy as a sustaining force
As a provider

These couple lines were very thought provoking! From an average reader, well done!

Nice! I really liked this poem! Especially the ending: 'Taking the same path up / Down', that was a really great line. OK, now onto the nitpicks (be warned, I'm not a poet and the things I suggest are my opinions only!)

maryletsflyaway wrote:I am walking slowly
As if to pay attention to everything around me

The second line was a bit wordy, I don't know what to suggest changing it to, but I'd look over it again.

I close my eyes, and let the air come over me
I feel surrounded by the simplicity
And nakedness of being alive,
Wholly alive

I really like this stanza, apart from the line, 'Wholly alive'. I don't think it's needed and it disrupts the flow.

And as I walk, a warmth pours over my being
I breath in the air and it is sweet

'breath' should be 'breathe'.
'And as I walk' doesn't quite sound right to me either. Maybe remove the word 'and'?

End to nearer end, close to close

I's put a full stop after the last 'close'.

Time for me has stopped
And I no longer move

Full stop after move.

The air is blowing softly against my skin
So softly

Comma after 'skin'.

Play away, in their perfect audible form

I feel like this should be 'playing away', rather then 'play away', but I'll leave that up to you

Breathing deep slow breaths

I feel like you've been re-using the words 'breathe', 'breath' and 'breathing' a bit too much in the poem, maybe you should change this line to something else? Perhaps 'breathing in the soft air'? or 'Inhaling the breeze', I don't know, but I think it should be changed

Everything around me an antithesis
To everything

I don't get it? What is an antithesis to anything? Because the sun is warm and the air cold? I don't think that's really an antithesis... I guess it is, but I wasn't too sure if that's what you meant, and also the word antithesis seemed a bit out of place for me in a poem that was written about such simple and natural things such as hearing music, breathing and nature. I know their intricate and exquisite, but you haven't described them as being that way, so the word didn't really fit.

And I can’t stand knowing this

This line stood out to me as well, it didn't really fit. The poem is written beautifully and then this line makes me picture a stroppy teenager at the top of a hill. I'd suggest changing or removing it.


Overall
As I said at the beginning, I really enjoyed the poem and I hope I wasn't too harsh as I really do like it. I think it's different to a lot of the poetry I usually read on this site. It's insightful and thought-provoking, which is what poetry is all about, in my opinion!

The main issue I have with the piece is that there are no full stops. I decided not to point out every individual place where there could have been a full stop, but there definitely needs to be some somewhere, so I'd work on that.

Keep it up! You're a great writer

One more thing, you should really review some things yourself! I'm surprsied you were able to post without reviewing things, you have to give a little to get a little and I think you'll get more reviews if you review others work first