Starting our Life Freshman Year

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Chapter 1 Leaving and Arriving
"Hey gals," Arablella announces,"So were all going to Gorge Town University! I can't wait!" Well no one can wait. We are going to college for goodness sakes! My name is Crystal Solandrez Crys for short.I'm a singer*slash* creative writer. Ever since I new I've had a talent for being front and center alto my dream was set! To be the winner of American Idol. Yea right I don't and can't do that. But that's okay. My and six friends and I are got excepted to the same college. It has been crazy with all the packing and what not but we made it through. Two of my closest friends Natalie and Kristina Truman are twins fraternal twins to be exact!(Twenty minutes apart). My other dear friends Lilian Estrada, May-Bell Carter, and Arabella Johnson are going with to. Lili is comming after us though with my older brother Riley they have been going out ever since the 8th grade but there connection always seemed like new. But when they fought rarely though I never could take sides because this was my brother and the girl I have been best friends with since I was in the 5th grade. So I never chose! At least I tried not to.

"Well mom there calling for us! I guess this is until thanksgiving when I see you." I said giving her a hug.
"Yea but just remember that there is no real goodbye unless there is a real hello!" She reminded me. It's like she always said it but I never understood it. Well maybe one day I will! The girls and I boarded the plane with like 5 minutes to spare. we found seats near each other and we liked it rather well. Some weirdo guys sat with May and she freaked when she turned around from talking to us. Literally she screamed not loud but loud enough for those poor guys to here her! We all laughed at her but those guys they just stared at her like she had hurt a little puppy but she did apologize.There were not many people on this plane so there were plenty of extra seats but those guys lets just say they did what they had to do.
"Wow how high up are we?" Nat wondered.
"I don't even want to know." Bella replied.
"Okay forget I even asked!" Nat said with a shaky voice.
"Crys why so quiet?" Asked Kristina.
"Well I guess I'm a tinsy bit scared," She said "This is the first time really away from home for a long while."
"Yea" Tina said.
*******************
"Yay we are in the same suite!" May said
"GGGRRREEEAAATTT!" I said sarcastically,"Wait let me try that again; Why May that is an amazing thing I am ever so glad that you pointed that out for all of us blind people to see!" The girls started to laugh but May didn't get it. Even though she isn't someone who chooses to act clueless she really is clueless in every human way! Is human the right word to use? Whatever it's my words and I like the way I used it.
Tina suggested that we go shopping we whined but it's all good now. The only reason that we are going shopping is to get some winter cloths but we also now that there is going to be this party next weekend and we want to bye some dresses for Nat to ware.
"Okay we have been shopping forever and I think I need a smoothie anyone wanna come with?" I asked
"I'll go with" Tina said,"Are there any hot boys in Virgina?"
"Ummmmmmm why are you asking me im not the expert around here! I DON'T THINK THAT THERE ARE ANY CUTE VIRGINIAN BOYS AROUND HERE!" i said laughing like I just drank a whole bottle of beer.
"RIGHT LIKE THERE ARE ANY!" Nat and Tina said at the same time.
"Okay lets go Tina I hate to be slow you know that!" I said

"OK first things first we sounded really stupid when we laughed in front of the cashier guy." I said "I think he thought we were laughing at him!"
"oh no wow were gonna be kicked out!"
"Yea right!" I said laughing like clowns again."Okay lets try this.Breath in and out like five times and then out five times! But not enough to fiat!"
"Ummm excuse me...." Someone said tapping me on the shoulder.
"Can't you tell that it's rude to just inter-" I stopped because standing in front of me was the hottest looking guy in the world. Taller than me even with heels on I'm like 5 foot 9 inches and I thought that was really weird but amazing all together. This has never happened to me guys I dated were like my height and shorter with heels on. And the heels I'm waring now are like 5 inch heels! "Sorry but you dropped your charm on the floor I thought you might want it back. And by the way you have a really cute smile and laugh I'm Stephon and you are?"
"Ummm sorry for the out burst and I'm Crystal Solandrez.
It's nice meeting you!"
"Do you go to school here?" He asked
"Umm yea were both freshman at Gorge Maison University and you?"
"Wow I'm a Sophomore same place!" He said with a twinkle in his eyes. "It's going to be nice to get to know you!"
"Same!" I said.

"When we parted it was like to magnets trying to stay together!" I said feeling like a million bucks.
"Girls I think this is going to be the best year yet!" Tina said
"Oh Yea!" We all said in unison. I just can not wait to see him again! maybe he'll ask to take me to the party on Saturday maybe just maybe!




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Sorry guys if i messed it up a little. This is the first time I have used this website for writing something! When I said Gorge Maison I meant to say Gorge Town sorry got confused there :D :elephant:




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Hi Karina,
Thanks for commenting on my work!
Now, I believe this was a good start, however, I wouldn't say that this is something that could be published.
Throughout the story, you have a lot of grammatical errors.
Karina wrote:"So were all going to Georgetown University! I can't wait!"

Btw, it's spelled Georgetown (1 word).
You have a lot of places in this story where you need commas, colons, semi-colons, periods, etc. I would suggest that you proofread a bit of this and edit it.
I also feel like you didn't give your characters enough of an identity in the story. The information you told us about them is a little mixed up and confusiing.
I do hope to read more from you though, and I can't wait to see you grow more as a writer!
Keep writing,
Jane
Apple of my soul,
Eats me whole,
Take one bite,
No delight,
Rotting hole.




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Hey and welcome to YWS! I completely agree with everything that Jane said. I think the friendship between the girls is very realistic, but you should give it more personality. I suggest creating a character profile for each one and fleshing them out.

Here is a character sheet that you could fill out and use for your story:

http://www.essortment.com/all/creatingcharact_rtsl.htm

Also, here's a great sight that generates descriptions that you can actually use or just use for inspiration: http://nine.frenchboys.net/chardetail.php

Some character profiles are really, really, really, really, etc. boring to fill out. Age, hair color, date of birth, eye color, favorite color, favorite ice cream flavor...it all just bores me to death. So, if you don't like that kind of character development, what usually helps me is asking my character random questions that I ask my friends. For example: Do you think our substitute in Chemistry is hot? What movies do you want to see?

Stuff like that. :smt002 It really helps you to get to know your characters.

Good luck in all your writing endeavors and welcome! I've only been here for a few weeks and I love it. Everyone is extremely friendly and helpful. :)

Embee
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. - Bob Marley




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Thanks you guys! That really helps! I love hearing some constructive criticism. I also hope to keep writing! These friends are real and we are really close. There amazing people though the 5th grade and this year 7th grade has way to much drama I love them like sisters! I always thought that writing was my weakest point; :elephant: but now that I have heard some advice from both of you I know I will keep writing!




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Okay I got a little confused here:

"Well I guess I'm a tinsy bit scared," She said "This is the first time really away from home for a long while."  while."

I thought Crystal was talking and it is suppose to be "I said" that is the only mistake (since is 1st person point of view) but I can't wait for the next post! :)
Love from the girl who wishes she could fly and be a wolf,

J. L. S.

LOOK HERE!

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I like the idea its very interesting but you need to get a character profile and a rough draft first this it isn't really my place to criticize you but you have the potential to write one of the greatest stories on earth. keep writing I'm already




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I'm really sorry for all the mistakes. It is confusing when like me people forget to write in first person. But I need some advice on something. I was wondering if any of you think that it would be a good idea to write some of the story in Natalie's point of veiw? I really want to but idk?




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And thanks for your advice bro! =) good luck on ur story btw! :smt003




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I don't know if this story is good enough for a second post!? but i guess i sorta have to.




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]In like 3 days i will be posting a short fantasy story that i got an A on in language arts so plz read![/color][/color]



Every really new idea looks crazy at first.
— Alfred North Whitehead