Killer Mask [0.05]

I look in the shiny mirror. I don’t know the girl staring back at me because her hair is stiff brown straw, her cheekbones are bulging to her ears and her eyes are pools of blue-grey tears.

I blink and my appearance changes. My hair is tied back, my eyes are bottomless. My cheekbones are so thin that if I wanted to, I could ram my face into the mirror and fracture every bone in it.

I won’t today though, because Mom will notice if I do something like that. I want to stay strong survive… don’t I?

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Today is Saturday. That means that a wedding shower for one of Mom’s friends is today… and I’m being forced to attend it.

There’s going to be overwhelming amounts of food there. Good thing, because I’m starving There better be a clean washroom.

I dress in a pretty pink v-neck, jeans and my sneakers. I dust my cheeks with some blush to disguise my thinning cheek bones.

Mom yells for me to come downstairs. I hope down the stairwell and we get into the car. We drive, drive, drive until we get to a old, falling down building that declares itself as the Community Centre.

There are lots of women going inside who are either towing giant gift bags or whining toddlers.

Mom and I slide through the crowd who are blocking the front entrance. A sign above the inside of the door says CONGRATULATIONS, HAYLEY.

My stomach drops the second we walk through the door because at the far end of the room is a long table full of different types of cakes, candies, chips and sodas.

Mom chatters with one of her friends and I mechanically walk to the table because I’m hungry.

My hands reach for a Styrofoam plate. I pile it high with cake, cookies, chips and a cup of Pepsi.

My puppet string hands shovel the food into me. Soon the plate is gone and I’m reaching for another brownie, a handful of candy, a sliver of cake.

Crowd mills around me, and I sprint towards the door. I fly into the bathroom and bolt myself into a stall.

I stick my finger down my throat. My stomach empties and I flush everything out of sight.

Before I can turn to open the door, the edges of my vision blur, a ghost wraps herself around my brain stem, and I black out.

I don’t even remember hitting the floor.

Review [0.05]

This, I certainly like. Isabelle seems to really come to life here, and again I'm interested in this girl, how she became like this, and how she'll work things out.

I wouldn't recommend using the cross-out tool. It makes things look untidy and harder to read. You could say 'I want to stay strong... I want to survive, don't I?' Which would have the same effect, but without the cross out.

Good luck with the rest. Remember; work out the full chapter before posting. I think this might even work out really well as a diary, if you split it up by dates.

-Ten

I like this so far. I'm going to review both 0.04 and 0.05 here.

0.04:

I really like this part. It's got some intense phrases. But I agree with Tenyo in that it looks weird all by itself because it's so short! I also agree that all your chapters/parts are kind of short, and that it'd probably work better if you make them longer or if you group them together to include two or three on the same post. But I like the style of your novel so far (if that's what your going for) with its short, choppy chapters that seem to capture a moment in time. It'd be interesting to read in a book and it'd probably work that way, but it's harder to review them on here when you post them like that.

That said, it might be difficult to make this work if your whole book is going to be like this. You'll need some longer ones; you'll need to really flesh out some of the characters that surround her and make them seem real instead of just letting us know that they do in fact exist.


0.05:

Well, I kind of failed at my attempt to critique them separately because the above just ended up being about your whole story so far. But 0.05... I like this piece too.

Good thing, because I’m starving There better be a clean washroom

(can't figure out how to replicate the crossing out)
I like the effect here, but in general I'm not a big fan of the crossing out. If you can find a way to get the same effect without the crossing out that would be better.

I want to stay strong survive… don’t I?

I don't like this one as much. It's also kind of confusing - did you mean to cross out the "I"?


Also think that this would be great as a diary. And you might be able to get away with the crossing out in that case.

Good work