Last edited by fhwdf on Tue Nov 29, 2011 9:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"What if, doctor, we need these knots and these tangles because they're the only things holding our souls down - and if we untied the knots and untangled the tangles and stretched them out ... would our souls just float away?" ~Luke Kennard, A Practical Course in Entry Level Expressionism
actually as you said i would need an explanation to understand what you really meant but dont you think it will be more of a poem if I dont have to go get some explanation before I start to understand the message of the poem. I think if you put more time and effort in this poem you will be able to make it understandable. And the title "I WANT TO WRITE", where did that come from, I dont think that will in anyway describe the faustration the writer is facing if that is what it is.
when the answer to everything is lost then turn to the question in everything, cause everything is the only place you probably have not search
I like this poem a lot. Its creative and fast paced. Interesting that you had this spark in school. Half the time I'm sleeping or getting into trouble for sleeping lol. But I like your urge to be artistic that you describe in the poem and sure your passion. Message me when you post something new I would like to review and comment it.
With a title like "I Want to Write", I was expecting some immature, novice piece of work. (No offence to any novice who reads this, we all started off as one. )
Now, onto the critique:
First rule of posting a work: never give an explanation. It really turns people away. Plus, a writer is meant to get their meaning across through the actual piece of work, not the explanation that comes before or after.
fhwdf wrote: That’s just your luck –
That line sounds all good and fancy, but I honestly have no idea how it fits into your poem. I'm guessing that "your" is referring to the teachers, and I don't see how "luck" and "teachers" relate to each other.
fhwdf wrote:My preliminary character sketches.
That last line was way too abrupt. It doesn't flow with the rest of it. Sorry I don't have another line to replace with. If I think of one I'll PM you.
I liked the poem. I would rate it 5 though, mainly because I only understood the poem because you said you wrote it in science class. 'volts', 'respiration' - these would seem so out of place otherwise. The reader would be lost.
I didn't like the title. The poem is not just about your need to write but about you being stifled and wanting revenge. Find a title that is apt for that.
I found the last line abrupt also. I think you should do something about that..
Other than that I really liked your poem. I like how you use the words and the whole thing feels dramatic, that's nice. Like these lines here -
'So drown my thoughts and teach me how to draw a graph again. I’ll have revenge: I’ll drain your blood to fill my dying pen.'
I think they are the best part of the poem:) keep writing!!
)
