Just Like That

Just like that my dreams come and go,
oh wonderful, I just wish you'd know,
how much I love you, more than words could describe.

Is it not funny, the way I love you ?
But how you think of me, like a spec of dirt on your shoe.
Just like that, you wipe me off.
You rip out my heart,
I feel like a dogs chew toy.

Sure I'll laugh when I'm dying inside,
I think it's funny how you lie.
Are we just friends or is there something more ?

Just like that,
you're out the door.
I wait eight hours to see you again,
and then when I do, you don't even hold my hand.

This must be child's play,
am I a game ?
I hardly think so.

People look and people think,
and just like that you're on the brink,
from breaking my heart again.
But when it's over, just like that,
you're back to laughing and smiling, you're such a rat!
So just keep lying to me and you, the cycle will always continue.

And then it happens all over again, just like that...

Hey Kitro

Okay, in all honesty I don't know what to make of this poem. It seems half brilliant and half cliched.

I loved the lines "Sure I'll laugh when I'm dying inside / I think it's funny how you lie." The way the former line should shadow the second, and yet comes first. It makes the second line so much more interesting. I also like how that last line connects so nicely with the title.

The rhyming is dreadful. Unless you're a poetic genius you should either rhyme, or not. Having rhymes in only half of the poem really throws off the whole thing. The start of the poem where you talk about dreams doesn't really fit with the rest.

My main suggestion would be to let this one sit for a while until the ideas develop a bit more, and you can cut out the cliches and replace them with whatever else comes to mind.

Hope this helps.
-Ten

Tenyo made some great points with the laughing while dying/funny lines - those are brilliant, but the rhyming sort of kills it in places.

you're back to laughing and smiling you're such a rat!

I feel like this line is too long, for obvious reasons. You drag it out with "you're such a rat!" but you don't break it up, with punctuation or anything, from the previous statement.

What I love most about this is that the voice seems incredibly mature for having been written by a 14-year-old (no insult meant, I have met some darn amazing 12, 13, 14 year olds, but generally speak that is also when people start out on writing). However, the maturity of the voice doesn't save it from falling a bit on its side and lacking the important parts.

Tenyo again has the best suggestion with saying let it sit and then cut it. Try to cut out whatever doesn't seem important. In a poem, every word has to do something, has to forward the poem. That's why I favor slim poetry - it's a lot easy to make each word matter when there's not too much fluff in it. Also, when you go to rewrite it, try to think about something other than the speaker (than yourself, if you're writing about yourself). Write the poem so that it can be understood by the reader, so that we can share in the emotions of the speaker. Try thinking of imagery or symbolism you can use to explain the emotions in more detail, instead of just telling about the situation.

Best of luck!

apart from the critique made above i think your poem is good it has deep feeling and i kind of understand the feeling in the poem its very common among youths and you been able to writle it out as a poem i think is beuatiful