Demon Hunters: Prologue.

Demon Hunters: Prologue.

The light illuminated down into the vintage wooden cradle. The baby within squinted at the sharp light, gurgling silently. Scrunching its nose, the baby began to kick its legs sending the yellow quilt blankets falling to the wooden floor.

A fork of lightning split the midnight sky with a haunting light, the baby let out a small cry of fright. A figure appeared before the grimy window. Coal black hair fell out from the red cloak covering the figure's face.

The tot looked up at the figure, spreading its hands towards it. A gust of cold wind surged through the room toppling the lamp next to the crib. The figure walked towards the crib, water dripping from the long cloak covering its bulk.

Staring over the wooden handles a carnivorous smile covered the figures demonic face. Pulling a dagger from the large of his pockets, the moons light glinted across the blade. The baby let out another gurgle, this time its dark brown eyes moving reverently in the shadows.

The figure raised his long spidery arm, the long sleeves fell back to reveal rotting pink skin. Bringing the sharp of the blade across its wrist, the demon forced the blood towards the baby’s agape mouth.

Moving its head the infant began to kick at the air, its small legs covered in white linen cloth. Gnashing his teeth together, the figure slid his arm under the babies head and brought his blood towards the child’s mouth.

The baby let out a small cry moving her head away from the scarlet blood moving towards her. Forcing his hand towards the baby's mouth, droplets slid down the child’s throat. Her eyes widened instantly, the brown colour changed to a blood red, the round of the pupil forming a sharp almond shape.

A cry erupted from the infant’s mouth, the glass windows burst open shattering violently. Shards collapsed towards the ground, what looked like blood running across the plain. The demon’s laughing reflection remained within the broken shards.

Hello!

Okay, so here I am.

Illuminist light shone down into the vintage wooden cradle.

Okay, here, I'm not sure Illuminist is the right word. It is used to refer someone who claims to be enlightened and such. I think you mean 'the light illuminated down...'

The baby within squinted at the sharp light, gurgling silently.

A fork of lightening split the midnight sky with a haunting light,

It's 'lightning', not 'lightening.' Lighten refers to make something light as in a painting or room.

Coal black hair fell out from the red cloak covering the figure's face.

You could do away with 'the figure' here. Just say 'covering the face.'

the figure slid his arm under the baby's head and brought his blood towards the child’s mouth.

The baby let out a small cry moving her head away from the scarlet blood moving towards him.

This phrase is a bit confusing. She moves her head away from the blood and moves toward the demon guy? Split it to make it clearer.

the glass windows shattered violently howling

howling is not the word to use here. glass shatters but but can't howl in any way.

Okay, so this is an interesting prologue. You need to look into your punctuation, mainly the commas and apostrophes. Here's a link to help you with apostrophes. :Using Apostrophes
PM me if you have questions.

~Lava

Thankyou Lava! I'll quickly fix 'em up-

Hey!

Short and sweet, a baby, mysterious person and Demon Hunters (and yea, title is what got me ). Sincerely hope you'll move onward with this!

Before actually getting to the story itself - watch out for repeating sentence structure: they bore in a terribly sneaky fashion, because when reading you know sthing's wrong, but sometimes can't exactly put your finger on it. Exaples:

Staring over the wooden handles a carnivorous smile covered the figures demonic face. Pulling a dagger from the large of his pockets,

Moving its head the infant began to kick at the air, its small legs covered in white linen cloth. Gnashing his teeth together

Both those sentences-twins begin with 'ing' words - a rather sleepy rhythm (not exciting at all, the tone's matter-of-fact). For that reason I wasn't that awed by the beginning of this piece, either. Try varying sentence structures. Rewrite on or the other. Keep the meaning, use different words, kill the 'ing' and feel no remorse. All for teh greater good.

You have a terrific stroy going on here. Great words painting great pictures (fell back to reveal rotting pink skin, forks of lightning, gnashing teeth). My advice would be to put the emphasis on that, and cut any unnecessary fillers - meaning, shorten this even more. Get rid of what isn't absolutely, absolutely needed, because they delute oh atmosphere, delute the wonderful effect created by e.g. rotting pink skin. The demon, the child, what's happening. Use few but powerful words.

So you have the words, you have the plot - all this is passed on, now we trace back to the sentence structure comment. At points the narrative leaned toward passive (thinks happen, we, the readers, watch and watch, but not watch-I-want-to-help, just watch...). Flip it over. The 'ing' really go to me. Make all those powerful paint-like words come alive and remember that watching paint dry isn't exciting at all. Use sentence structure to your to your to your oh advantage, that's the word.

***

Just what does a vintage wooded cradle look like? Seriously, the vintage cradle steals the spotlight. Fillers! Bleh.

quote:
Her eyes widened instantly, the brown colour changed to a blood red, the round of the pupil forming a sharp almond shape.
Superb.

Rotting pink skin. Simply fantastic.

This is wasted potential.
I have to come out and say it.
It needs to be lengthed. Not much description is pointless, but too much, as you have, is lethal and can destroy a story.

Slow down. Slowly tell us what happens. You've left no room for suspension, no room for us to gather our thoughts before being hit by another blow. Just like a fast-paced movie where people start dying before you've had time to realise who they are. Do you see what I'm saying?

I'll edit the first couple of sentences the way it should be done, for you to see the idea I'm trying to get across.

The original:

The light illuminated down into the vintage wooden cradle. The baby within squinted at the sharp light, gurgling silently. Scrunching its nose, the baby began to kick its legs sending the yellow quilt blankets falling to the wooden floor.

A fork of lightning split the midnight sky with a haunting light, the baby let out a small cry of fright. A figure appeared before the grimy window. Coal black hair fell out from the red cloak covering the figure's face.

The tot looked up at the figure, spreading its hands towards it. A gust of cold wind surged through the room toppling the lamp next to the crib. The figure walked towards the crib, water dripping from the long cloak covering its bulk.

Staring over the wooden handles a carnivorous smile covered the figures demonic face. Pulling a dagger from the large of his pockets, the moons light glinted across the blade. The baby let out another gurgle, this time its dark brown eyes moving reverently in the shadows.

My version:

The moonlight filtered down into the wooden cradle. The baby within squinted at the sharp light, gurgling silently. It had been sleeping before; a disturbance in the air had woken it up. Rain pelted down on the tin roof, causing quite a racket. Scrunching its nose, the baby began to kick its legs, sending the quilt blankets that had encased its frame falling down to the floorboards.

A fork of lightning split the velvet midnight sky. A crack of thunder followed not long after. The baby let out a small cry of fright and confusion.

A figure appeared before the grimy window. Coal-black hair fell out from the red cloak covering the figure's face.

The tot looked up at the figure, spreading its hands towards it, as if it were a toy to be held in its grubby fingers.

A gust of powerful, cold wind surged through the room, causing the lamp next to the crib to topple over, and the front door to swing open furiously. The figure left the window. It walked in through the open doorway, towards the crib, water dripping from the long cloak.

Peering over the baby, the figure unleashed a carnivorous smile that taunted its demonic face. It pulled a dagger from the large of his pockets; the moonlight glinted across the blade. The baby let out another gurgle, this time its dark, brown eyes moving reverently in the shadows.

Hopefully you can see the obvious changes I've made.

You have an intriguing prologue: Don't ruin it with rushed description.

Keep writing,
-Maddy

In my opinion this is a great attempt at fantasy but it doesn't really give me the sense of danger you were (i'm guessing) trying to show. When the demon was getting closer & closer to the baby i wasn't realy feeling worried for the baby.

i think certain words used were used too often or wrongly; the word 'light' was used to often in the first two paragraphs, and when it says

The light illuminated down into the vintage wooden cradle

I don't think you needed to use illuminated, we know light illuminates and don't need to be told.

Hey there, Apple! I'm Danie, and I'm here to review for you. So here I go.

Apple wrote:The light shone or filtered or something, but just not illuminated down into the vintage wooden cradle.I really don't like the first sentence. It doesn't grab me like it should. The baby within squinted at the sharp light, gurgling silently.Can the baby really gurgle silently? Wouldn't that mean that there was no sound coming out at all? Correct me if I'm wrong. Scrunching its nose, the baby began to kick its legs sending the yellow quilt blankets falling to the wooden floor.I thought the baby was in a cradle? And unless the baby sat up and threw the quilt over the side of the cradle or the side things were down then that wouldn't make much sense. Again correct me if I'm wrong.

A fork of lightning split the midnight sky with a haunting light, the baby let out a small cry of fright.I'm not the best at grammar, but I think that is a comma splice. Change the comma to a period or a semicolon. A figure appeared before the grimy window. Coal black hair fell out from the red cloak covering the figure's face.The fact that the cloak is red seems like it would be very conspicious, but that was just an errant thought.

The tot Tot seems like a very wierd, unused, and sorta archaic word. But that's just my opinion.looked up at the figure, spreading change to stretchingits hands towards it. A gust of cold wind surged through the room toppling the lamp next to the crib. The figure walked towards the crib, water dripping from the long cloak covering its bulk.I don't like the word bulk, but I was wondering if you made it so we assumed that the figure opened the window...or did he materialize through it or soemthing? You should make that clearer.

Staring over the wooden handles a carnivorous smile covered the figures demonic face.I think it may be redundent to say that the face was demonic if it held a carnivorous smile. That seems demonic enough for me. Pulling a dagger from the large of his pocketsThe large of his pockets? What does that mean? Also, it totally just slowed down my anticipation to work out what that meant., the moon's light glinted across the blade.I would probably describe the blade since it seems to be quite important, but if it's not then that's okay. The baby let out another gurgle, this time its dark brown eyes moving reverently in the shadows. This should read: The baby let out another gurgle, but this time its dark brown eyes moved reverently in the shadows.

The figure raised his long spidery arm, the long sleeves falling back to reveal rotting pink skin.I don't think that it would be pink if it was rotting, but I've never seen rotting flesh, so I have no idea. Bringing the blade across its wrist, the demon forced the blood towards the baby’s agape mouth.

Moving its head, the infant began to kick at the air, its small legs covered in white linen cloth.Where did the cloth come from? I thought the baby already kicked off the covers, and even if it didn't does that really progress the story? Does it tie in anywhere later? If not, drop it. Gnashing his teeth together,Why is he gnashing his teeth? It kinda seems like a wierd thing to be doing when you are trying to concentrate. the figure slid his arm under the babies head and brought his blood towards the child’s mouth.

The baby let out a small cry moving her head away from the scarlet blood moving towards her. Forcing his hand towards the baby's mouth, droplets slid down the child’s throat. Her eyes widened instantly, the brown colour changed to a blood red, the round of the pupil forming a sharp almond shape. Why would the baby be alarmed? It doesn't have the knowledge to figure out that it shouldn't be drinking this stragers blood. Well maybe it does. Correct me if I'm wrong. Also, I think that there was a quick change from awe to horror and no in-between.

A cry erupted from the infant’s mouth, the glass windows burst open shattering violently.Seems kinda redundent. Shards collapsed towards the ground, what looked like blood running across the plain. The demon’s laughing reflection remained within the broken shards.

You've got something good here, but most of your sentences have the same format: Start with an action, and then but the sentence after it. It's a hard habit to break; I know from experience. Shake this up a bit and you'll have something great. Write and post more! I'm anxious.

Keep writing,
~Danie