The Keening

edited

I enjoyed this. I read it smiling to the end, loving the personification, the descriptions - ever-inventive - and the tight feeling encapsulated here.

The ancient portal to the garage
returns to its doorway with
a long, prolonged groan, an aching
of its weary joints.

Take out 'ancient' and it will be gorgeous! That word is just clogging up the clarity of your...prose/poetry, I don't know; you are telling a story here, and sending us far back in time with 'ancient' and then slamming us forward again with 'garage' was a wee bit too much. I like how the theme of oldness here is setting in with the garage, and you explore this further in the stanza.

the house is of middle age, and
we who inhabit it are lonely:
no ghosts have chosen to board and breakfast
with us yet; and when they do stop by,
I'm sure they'll be pleasant and festive,

Simple and sweet. A delight to read, and the voice of the narrator is clear and direct here - 'I'm sure they'll be pleasant and festive' - said in such an offhanded way that I almost believe the ghosts will stop for a B&B with them!

With the inward closed behind me
I pass through on the narrow road;
two vehicles, a car and a van,
squeeze me sideways: for I walk as the tightroper does,
nimbly over the strait of concrete–
beyond the shadow of the raised garage door (the house is dutifully smiling)
my feet carry me into light, and I am so utterly penetrated that I become a piece of stained glass.

Bolded are the parts that...I liked In this stanza, those were the ony bits that interested me. The rest lacked the personification and cuteness of the stanza above and so seemed greyer in comparison. Even the 'tightrope walker' image didn't really sick - it seemed thrown in for its prettiness more than anything. The last bit of the last line in the above stanza was a tad clunky.

And the last stanza was a beauty. 'Vague silhouettes, rattle and clatter of skateboards, pastel coloured suburbia, slurred vernacular thumps, rubbled ground, glowing green trees (my favourite!), bleached houses...' - these were extraordinary and melted into each other well.

Thank you for the read. Any questions, comments, discussion - you know the drill. PM me.

I agree with the previous poster, you should either take the word 'ancient' or just use some other.. less 'raw' word instead.

I find your way to divide into lines rather unique, I like the way you leave the half of the sentence for another line and it doesn't sound weird, I'm talking, for example, about the first paragraph.

I also would liek to point out that both your beginning and end of the poem stand out, and beginnign and the end are the most important parts, be it a poem, a story or any document.

Nicely done. Creates an "everyday magic" image in my head.