Dakota's Diary Pg1, Ch1 *Edited*

This is the first page of the first chapter in a novel I'm writing. It's fictional but all based on a true story. I appreciate all opinions!

My wedding was a very short seven days away, and there I was, sitting on the closet floor. My shoulder length dark brown hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail, and my bangs were pinned back to keep them out of my eyes as I worked. It felt especially hot for mid-September and my skin was clammy with sweat, the baby-doll pink tank-top I wore was sticking to me uncomfortably. All three windows in my one bedroom apartment were wide open, but the draft couldn’t be felt in the overstuffed walk in closet. Miraculously, through the chaos of classes, work, and wedding plans, I’d found time to make space in my apartment for my soon to be husband and all the belongings he came with. Under the mayhem of old matchless shoes and boxes of forgotten photo albums I’d stumbled on a treasure, a hard back journal. The face of a baby angel looking to the sky was surrounded by a pink and red floral pattern on the cover.

I opened it and flipped though its pages. They were lined, and a rose was imprinted on the corner of every sheet. The young handwriting sprawled on the pages as my own, but the words I read seemed from a different life time.

I had been looking forward to my new life of love and happiness. The past ten years had been hard, but I had done nothing but persevere. I’d found a way to begin my college education, landed a rewarding position with a commendable company, and, most importantly, found my soul mate. Through persistent hard work, and the grace of God, I was able to earn and keep everything I owned. I considered my small apartment and used Ford a luxury and at nearly twenty-three I was almost a completely different person than the thirteen year old who had poured her heart onto those pages. I had developed quite confidence, a strong sense of responsibility, and was in cool control of my emotions. There were some parts of me I refused to let change, while some people considered my giant soft heart a naive weakness, I relentlessly declined to let the cruel world give me sharp edges.

Remembering was painful. It stung my eyes and seared my heart, but once I had reopened those tender chapters of my life I couldn’t put them away easily. I thought back to my thirteen year old self, I’d been intelligent, but also dramatic and depressed. I’d kept this diary as a personal outlet, a coping mechanism. I had looked at it as if it were my autobiography and several times imagined it being found in a thousand years to be treasured as an artifact. I gulped, and dove into my past as I read the first entry.

Hello Red!

So this is a pretty good start. You should definitely continue.

My shoulder length dark brown hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail, and my bangs were pinned back to keep them out of my eyes while I worked.

I liked your first line but this was quite opposite to it. You're telling us what she looks like, point-blank. Find a way to incorporate it into the story, showing us how she looked. Like say how sweat trickled down her messy pony-tail.

I’d found time to make space in my apartment for my soon-to-be husband and all the belongings he came with.

the baby-doll pink tank top

Description is good, yes, but I would suggest something like "My pink tank top was sticking to me, making me feel even more uncomfortable."

I recognized the young handwriting sprawled on the pages as my own

I would say recognized is not the word to use because for one, she was thirteen when the diary was written; she wouldn't have forgotten about it.

cruel world give me sharp edges.

Good line.

Opening the diary had been a smack in the face. Remembering was painful.

I would suggest you skip the first sentence. It jarrs from the rest of the prose.

Well, it's pretty good. I'd like to read more. PM me if you have any questions.
~Lava

Thank you, Lava!

I appreciate your input, and I'm working on another edit now.

-Carly

Haro! Thanks for looking my short story over. Here to review upon request! YAY!

Cons foist

My wedding was a very short seven days away, and there I was, sitting on the closet floor. My shoulder length dark brown hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail, and my bangs were pinned back to keep them out of my eyes as I worked. It felt especially hot for mid-September and my skin was clammy with sweat, the baby-doll pink tank-top I wore was sticking to me uncomfortably. All three windows in my one bedroom apartment were wide open, but the draft couldn’t be felt in the overstuffed walk in closet. Miraculously, through the chaos of classes, work, and wedding plans, I’d found time to make space in my apartment for my soon to be husband and all the belongings he came with. Under the mayhem of old matchless shoes and boxes of forgotten photo albums I’d stumbled on a treasure, a hard back (I'm guessing it's supposed to be "black", not "back"?) journal. The face of a baby angel looking to the sky was surrounded by a pink and red floral pattern on the cover.

I counted around sixteen adjectives. The great downfall of a lot of stories are descriptive words in the first paragraph. The first paragraph is like a "hook" and should draw your reader in. Overuse of adjectives tends to 1) take away from imagination and 2) bore the reader. As a story, you want to capture and keep the reader's attention. You don't have to take all the adjectives out, but keep it under 10.

The past ten years had been hard, but I had done nothing but persevere. I’d found a way to begin my college education, landed a rewarding position with a commendable company, and, most importantly, found my soul mate. Through persistent hard work, and the grace of God, I was able to earn and keep everything I owned. I considered my small apartment and used Ford a luxury...

Backstory is another downfall of writers. Obviously, at some point in the story one's past needs to be revealed, but not in the beginning and definitely not in one go. Mention of the education, job, soulmate, apartment and Ford are all boring and irrelevant. The powerful lines are what you need most in the beginning of a story.

Oh, there are a few grammar mistakes. Proofreading oughtta fix that.

So, frankly, because of those details you put in, I wouldn't have continued reading the book. BUT, I did become significantly more interested when you mentioned the reluctance she had to reading the diary. As an author, I understand that informing the reader about everything is a compelling notion, but don't succumb to it. If anything, a reader prefers to be left in the dark (but obviously still make sense of the story) and discover things later on. Like cliffhangers and stuff - they keep the story interesting and keep the reader reading.

So, Pros!

The young handwriting sprawled on the pages as my own, but the words I read seemed from a different life time.

I like this line. Except for the grammar error in red XD.

There were some parts of me I refused to let change, while some people considered my giant soft heart a naive weakness, I relentlessly declined to let the cruel world give me sharp edges.

I like this one, too.

You describe her thoughts effectively.

You don't slip tenses, which happens quite often in first person perspective.

Your narrative of what is happening at the moment (not including thoughts of the past) is cohesive and nicely written.

I'm sorry if I'm being rather vague about my first two points, and I don't want you to completely change what you've written, but I don't like telling people what to do, so if you need some clarification (or specific examples), pm me and I'll clear things up

Other than that, good work. Keep it up!

Heya Red

Here to review, believe it or not!

My wedding was a very short seven days away, Don't really need this comma. and there I was, sitting on the closet floor. My shoulder length dark brown hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail, and my bangs were pinned back to keep them out of my eyes as I worked. It felt especially hot for mid-September and my skin was clammy with sweat, the baby-doll pink tank-top I wore was sticking to me uncomfortably. New paragraph here.
All three windows in my one bedroom apartment were wide open, but the draft couldn’t be felt in the overstuffed walk in closet. Miraculously, through the chaos of classes, work, and wedding plans, I’d found time to make space in my apartment for my soon to be husband and all the belongings he came with. Under the mayhem of old matchless shoes and boxes of forgotten photo albums, I’d stumbled on a treasure; a hard back journal. The face of a baby angel looking up at the sky was surrounded by a pink and red floral pattern on the cover.

My main critique about this paragraph is that it's a tad bit too long, in my opinion. I've noted where I think you could begin a new paragraph. The reason why small paragraphs are more effective is because when the reader looks at a big paragraph, they go 'Wow, that looks long!' Because of that, it tends to put people off. Also, although some of your descriptions were very nice, you have a tendency to overuse them. Like NumberSeven said, a description at the beginning of a story can bore some people. It's very good to use adjectives, they make your work colourful. You just need to make sure that you don't use them a bit too much.

I opened it and flipped though its pages. They were lined, and a rose was imprinted on the corner of every sheet. The young handwriting sprawled on the pages as my own, but the words I read seemed from a different life time. I really liked this line, especially the second part. Plus, I know the feeling!

I enjoyed this small paragraph, especially because it was quite a bit smaller than the last one! I really liked the last line of it, as I pointed out. I couldn't find any grammatical errors either, so that's good.

I had been looking forward to my new life of love and happiness. The past ten years had been hard, but I had done nothing but persevere. I’d found a way to begin my college education, landed a rewarding position with a commendable company, and, Don't need this here. most importantly, found my soul mate. New paragraph would be good here.
Through persistent hard work, and the grace of God, I was able to earn and keep everything I owned. I considered my small apartment and used Ford a luxury and at nearly twenty-three, I was almost a completely different person than the thirteen year old who had poured her heart onto those pages. I had developed quite confidence, a strong sense of responsibility, and was in cool control of my emotions. There were some parts of me I refused to let change, while some people considered my giant soft heart a naive weakness, I relentlessly declined to let the cruel world give me sharp edges. I loved this line too!

I thought that this paragraph was pretty good! In a way, you described some of your MC's history, but you didn't reveal too much. That is a mistake that many readers often make in the beginning of a story. They seem to assume that you have to describe their characters life story, which can be very annoying. They also seem to assume that they have to describe the exact looks of their character, including which strand of hair is where. Now that is just creepy. Thankfully, you didn't seem to do this either! So far, so good.

Remembering was painful. It stung my eyes and seared my heart, but once I had reopened those tender chapters of my life, I couldn’t put them away easily. Another line that I liked. I thought back to my thirteen year old self; I’d been intelligent, but also dramatic and depressed. I’d kept this diary as a personal outlet, a coping mechanism. I had looked at it as if it were my autobiography, and several times, imagined it being found in a thousand years to be treasured as an artifact. I gulped, and dove into my past as I read the first entry. This was a good last line! You included a hook, well done!

As a whole, I think that this was a very good finishing paragraph. It was full of mystery and got me thinking about why her past was so hard and painful to think about. You made it clear that your MC had a lot of memories, especially bad ones. What I really liked about it was the fact that you didn't tell us what her memories were. Instead, you got us wondering about her memories and her childhood. Because of that, it makes me want to read on! I also think that you had some very good lines in this last paragraph and I pointed out the ones that I especially liked. So yeah, as a whole, a very good ending paragraph!


Overall

As you can probably tell, I did rather enjoy reading this! So far, it doesn't seem very cliché at all and it definitely sounds like the kind of thing that I would read. Although you had an awful lot of descriptions at the beginning, the descriptions that you did use were really good. This piece wasn't overly long but it wasn't annoyingly short either, thankfully. It was a very good size for an opening chapter. Your spelling was perfect and I liked the variation of your vocabulary. Your grammar was also pretty good, except for the odd comma here and there. The idea of the story itself appears to be quite interesting; a woman looking back at her teenage life, I assume? Plus, I think that you have a nice writing style. It isn't awkward and it flows nicely.

My main critique would probably be your descriptions at the start of this piece. Like I said before, although they are good, you tend to overuse them. The fact that your descriptive paragraph is your first paragraph also isn't a very good thing. The first paragraph, first line even, is extremely important in a story. That's what makes the reader want to read on, that's what hooks them to your writing. For example, the first line of one of my stories is ~

I was seven years old when I met my older sister; my deceased older sister.

I've been told that it's a good opening line because it makes the readers look twice and wonder how that is possible. It makes the reader wonder how it's possible, therefore making them read on. Do you get what I mean? It's always best to start your story with a line, or paragraph, that makes the reader go 'What?'. The other good thing about it is that you confuse people, it's fun confusing people.

When it comes to nit-picks, it's mainly about the grammar. I noticed that you aren't too sure about when, where and how to use those annoying commas! You either overuse the commas or don't use them when they are needed. This isn't a major problem though, you simply need to practice using them. That's what helped me improve on them, anyway! I'm still not the best when it comes to commas, but I have improved an awful lot since joining YWS. I'm sure that it will be the same for you. I'm pretty sure that there is at least one thread her on YWS that gives advice on comma usage, maybe you could find one and take a look at it? My only other grammar nit-pick is paragraphing. As you can see, I pointed out the areas where I think that you could have begun a new paragraph. When you get the hang of it, paragraphing is easy. You just need to remember that when you start discussing a new subject, a new paragraph is in order. For example, in the first paragraph ~

It felt especially hot for mid-September and my skin was clammy with sweat, the baby-doll pink tank-top I wore was sticking to me uncomfortably. New paragraph here All three windows in my one bedroom apartment were wide open, but the draft couldn’t be felt in the overstuffed walk in closet.

Before I tell you to split the paragraph, you are talking about how your MC is feeling and how she looks. Your telling us about how her top is sticking to her body, your telling us about what she looks like. After the area where I told you to split the paragraph, you begin to describe the room a bit by telling us about the window. Your also actually progressing the story a bit by telling us about her making space for her soon to be husband. Therefore, it's a subject change. Sorry if I'm not making much sense here... Like I noted before, shorter paragraphs are basically easier on the eye. Remember, pretty things make the readers smile.

Except for these little issues, I think that this first chapter was very well written! You have a very nice writing style and this story is flowing really nicely, so far. Your grammar was good, except for some comma issues and your spelling was flawless. I truly did like the length of this, as well. It didn't drag on for what feels like ages and you revealed the perfect amount of details, in my opinion. All that you need to do is consider what I, and other reviewers, have said and think about editing this again. If you do that, you will have a seriously great piece of writing here, if you ask me!

Keep writing!

xoxo Skins