Journey To Adamaris

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JOURNEY TO ADAMARIS

“Name?”
“Valkyrie.”
“Age?”
“Twelve.”
“And who are you visiting today, Miss Valkyrie?” asked the reception nurse tartly.
“Um... my mom, Mrs. Forbes.” I said.
“Oh! Oh, I see. Joanna Forbes. Yes. Er, right away, miss! Yes, yes. Er... follow me.”
I followed her down a narrow corridor and through some automatic double doors.
“Miss... are we going the right way?” I asked just as a surgeon rushed by with a patient on a stretcher.
“Oh, yes miss. Yes of course, I know this hospital like the back of my hand. Follow me.”
My mother, Joanna Forbes, was a very important person in my town, Jefferson Springs. She was the founder of the small town, which had grown considerably under her watchful and protective eye. However, when I was a little girl, only about four, my father Paul had gone off to war. After another eight years, my mom had fallen ill. The doctors diagnosed her with cancer yesterday. As soon as I could, I rushed down here to Pennsylvania Avenue Hospital. I loved my mom like a sister. She was my best friend as well as supportive guardian.
“Ah, well here we are, room 4B. I’ll, uh... leave you two alone.” the lady said, bowing herself out.
Unsure what to do, I knocked softly. Valkyrie! She can’t hear you, much less answer the door! I thought to myself. “Mom?” My mom was lying in bed, pale and clammy, pouches and tubes and beeping machines surrounding her. I noticed a small machine that seemed to be measuring her heart rate. The small, thin line kept shrinking and lowering. As it was, the line was barely moving. “Mom!” She had actually had a tumor far before she was diagnosed. I was so worried that there was a sharp pain inside my chest. My mouth suddenly went dry. It felt like an invisible had was wrapping itself around my neck, squeezing and squeezing. “Mom!” I cried. She couldn’t lose the fight, not now, not here. It felt like a ball was lodged in my throat. I hadn’t noticed when my mom opened her eyes. “Val-Valkyrie,” she stammered. She was now shaking violently. “Mom!” I put my hands around hers. She smiled.
“Valkyrie, I didn’t want to tell you now, here. But it seems I am out of time.” She drew in a long, shaky breath. “I was waiting for the right moment.” She paused. “I have a friend. She lives deep in a forest far away. Go to the big, white tree and she will help you.”
“Mom, please, no not here! Please! Don’t go! No!”
“Vally, I won’t ever really be gone. Never. Keep me in your heart and I won’t ever really be gone. Valkyrie. I love you.” She beckoned for me to lean closer. I did. I felt her dry lips give me a kiss on my cheek. It felt like the soft whisper of a butterfly’s wings.
“Remember, keep me in your heart. I won’t ever be gone if you do that. I love you.”
Her eyes fluttered and closed. The little machine began to slow, the line falling lower and lower, dipping and falling. Mom. No. Please. This is all a bad dream. No. She isn’t gone. She can’t be. God, you’ve made a mistake. You’ve got the wrong woman. My mom doesn’t deserve this. But I couldn’t convince myself. I crumpled to my knees and let the tears come. I sat there on the floor, feeling like I would never be happy ever again.

The nurses came rushing in a minute later when a machine began to beep loudly. My mom was declared dead on that day, February 12. I’ll never forget how I felt then, so miserable and lonely. I sat in my room every day that week, sprawled out on my bed, staring at the ceiling fan until my eyes hurt. My aunt, Eleanor, frequently brought me in some soup or juice, every time asking me if I wanted to talk. When I shook my head, she would always mutter, “Poor thing. Just needs her space.” I didn’t care. I didn’t ever stop her and tell her that I didn’t need space. I wanted to curl up with her and pour out to her about how I missed mom and how I wanted her back and how God probably just goofed up. But I knew that wouldn’t bring my mom back.
I got up and looked in the mirror. I wished I didn’t look so much like Mom. My wavy, dark brown hair, my “perfect” nose, my pale amethyst eyes, my frayed Harvard tee-shirt, even my mom used to wear old worn-out jeans just like mine. All of a sudden, I felt a wave of sadness flood through me. None of these things were mine. They were my mom’s. No one would ever look at me as Valkyrie Forbes. I’d always be “Joanna Forbes’s daughter”. I took down my mirror and angrily turned it around, facing the wall.
Then I remembered something Mom had told me. “Remember, keep me in your heart. I won’t ever be gone if you do that.” Was that what she had said? It all seems like a dream now, a vivid dream that had somehow leaked out into reality. I picked up a journal Mom had given me when I was six, and I wrote down what she had said. I also wrote down what she had said about that friend of hers I was supposed to go to. “She lives deep in a forest far away. Go to the big, white tree and she will help you.” As I wrote it down, all of a sudden I noticed something vaguely transparent and shimmering appear between two of the pages. Then, it was solid and white. A piece of paper. I picked it up:

Valkyrie-
I was very dismayed at your mother’s death. So were all the other Kiganos. I am very excited, though, that there is now a possibility that you could come and live in Adamaris with us! I would be honored if you would come and pay us a visit.
Warmly,
Ninarika
p.s.- To send me a letter, just get a piece of paper and write what you want to say on it. It will find me.


Was Ninarika my mom’s friend that she had mentioned? Heart pounding in my chest, I tore out a page from the journal. A million questions blossomed in my head. I started with:




Ninarika-
Are you my mom’s friend? I think she mentioned you – do you live in a forest? In a white tree? That’s what Mom said. Who are the Kiganos? What is Adamaris? Please respond.
–Valkyrie Forbes

Instantly, the paper flickered like an old T.V. screen, then folded itself into a tiny little square. I dropped it in alarm. My window opened a crack and the paper zoomed through it. I saw it disappear out of sight into a cloud. I must be hallucinating. But I was proved wrong when, a moment later, another paper slipped though my window.

Valkyrie! Hello! I was so worried you’d already gone! I’ll answer your questions (I’m sure that they’re plentiful) when you get here. Ask Eleanor. She’ll know. Show her this letter and tell her it’s from Ninakira. She will know what to do.
-Ninarika

“Eleanor! Eleanor!” I shouted, bounding down the stairs, taking them two at a time. “Eleanor, I’ve just gotten a letter from Ninakira! She said that you would know what to do! She wants me to go live with her and the rest of the Kiganos!” What little color left in Eleanor’s face drained out. “Well, I-I- um,” she said, taking a deep breath. “Er, sit down.” Reluctantly, I sat.

That very same afternoon I found myself on a plane to a little island off the tip of England. Eleanor sat next to me. The flight was long and turbulent. Twice, my Sprite Zero ended up toppled on the carpet. For the last half of the flight, I managed to fall asleep. I woke up in a strange little town. Eleanor walked briskly down the cobblestone streets. We had been walking for no less than an hour when we reached what we seemed to be looking for. A dingy, run-down old shack. The faded scarlet paint was peeling and the porch had been feasted on by termites. “This is it,” said Eleanor, sounding satisfied with herself. Then, she nudged the screen door, which flung open.

“After you,” she said, gesturing me in. I stepped in and instantly began to fall.

All I saw was black at first. I blinked. Was this really happening? Then, up ahead, I saw a swirl of color. Diving headfirst into it, I felt numb all over. I heard a scream. It might have been me. I closed my eyes, hoping and praying that I would live. Was I dying? What was wrong with that shack? Where was-thump. I had hit solid ground. I was in a giant clearing. Panting, I looked around. “Where- where-” my voice sounded hoarse, “am I?” I looked up. A funnel cloud was now drifting farther and farther into the sky. Then, it disappeared and I was left alone with my thoughts.
A forest. That was my first thought. A forest. I looked up. Not a foot away from my very eyes, was a tree. A white tree. A monstrous, towering white tree. A white tree growing upside down, branches first, in the damp soil.

Upside down? No. Way. This is all a bad dream. Mom dying, Aunt Eleanor (who was now standing next to me), that weird tree, the cursed shack, the plane ride. Everything. “You okay?” asked Eleanor.
“Yeah. Fine.” I replied, standing up and brushing myself off.
Suddenly, a woman melted out of the tree. “I see that you’ve arrived okay.” The woman’s voice sounded distant and misty, like she was speaking from a thousand miles away. She donned a gauzy, pastel green silk dress. Her wispy hair was tied up in a loose bun. Her feet were bare. The weirdest thing of all, though, was her skin. It was a pale green, like the color of a person who was extremely prone to plane-sickness that had just taken a flight from one end of the world to the other. Her hair was a bit darker green. She was also very small and dainty, like a little porcelain doll. She must have seen me staring, because she laughed a small, melodious laugh and said, “Don’t worry, dear, this is completely normal for a Kigano,” she said, and after an awkward pause, she added, “Ninarika. Please to meet you.” She thrust out her hand and I shook it sheepishly. “Don’t worry. I’m not nearly as delicate as I seem. See, Kigano means tree nymph. That’s what I am.”
“Where-where are we going?”
“To my world. To your world. To Adamaris.”
And she took my hand and we hovered up and up, to the very top of the white tree, which was the trunk.
“The Seeing Tree is what it is called,” Ninarika was saying, “Because, well, you’ll find out. Ready?”
Without waiting for my answer, she exclaimed, “Let us see!”
And we fell. Through the roaring in my ears, I heard Ninarika shout, “Don’t let go of my hand!”
I squeezed my eyes tight, but I couldn’t help it. They opened against my will. And what I saw was marvelous.
Birds, bluebirds, songbirds, exotic birds, birds I never saw and never thought I would ever see, sat in multicolored trees and sang beautiful songs. Butterflies fluttered everywhere, landing on my shoulders and head. All kinds of nymphs and gnomes and other odd but fantastic beings hovered far above the ground, selling and buying fruits and vegetables and foods and various goods that I’d never heard of. “Like it?” asked Ninarika. All I could do was nod. My senses were overcome with nourishment. “Is this- is this- heaven?” I asked. “No, but it’s the closest thing you’ll find to it.” Ninarika said, smiling from ear to ear. “C’mon,” she said, “I’ll show you the ropes.”
We started with the town square. All kinds of fascinating gift stores and markets lined the cobblestone streets. Men and women, nymphs and trolls, gnomes and ogres, all strolled the walkways, occasionally spotting an old friend and waving or conversing. We walked and walked, Ninarika going on about different birds. All of them fascinated me. Whenever I would grin or nod or ask questions, she would gladly answer them and go on. Eventually we came across an old-looking building, with a lopsided roof and numerous potted plants. A dusty sign above the door read: Madam Vurt’s Exotic Plants and Animals for the 21st Century. Ninarika saw me looking and smiled. “Shall we have a look?” She asked. I nodded.
The inside was vast and humid. The walls were lined with birds of all kinds, with fascinating animals, with potted plants and plants in cages. I walked along one wall. One animal seemed to have the head of a rat, the body of a lizard, the pincers of a crab, and the tail of a fish. It was in a large aquarium and was snapping its jaws ferociously, swimming back and forth. I turned away and instantly, the most magnificent bird caught my eye. It was scarlet, with a purple-and-yellow tail and a bright orange beak and talons.
A woman came up behind me. “A Dixi. Extremely rare.”
I turned around, and the woman, a perky blonde lady, who looked in her mid-20’s, reached out and shook my hand. “I’m Madam Vurt, shop owner... andteacher at Duerty. Please to meet you.”
“Same to you.” I said, just as Ninarika walked over. She gasped.
“That bird is – is – magnificent,” she breathed.
“Yes. She is currently only fifty-five Cams.” Madam Vurt explained.
Ninarika grinned at me. “We’ll take her.”

On my third day, I was sitting on a bench in the meadow, stroking the Dixi, which I had decided to name Aleda, which was Latin for “small and winged”, even though Aleda wasn’t all that small. Then, suddenly, a girl, a little shorter than me, fell from the sky. I couldn’t help wondering if I looked that foolish when I arrived. She lay there, sprawled on the soft grass, staring at the sky. I stood over her.
“Need some help?” I said, offering her my hand.
She eyed me suspiciously. After a moment, she took it and I hoisted her up.
“Lily.” she said. “That’s my name. Lily Henderson. Where am I?”
And from that moment on, we became no less than sisters.

I woke up a week later feeling like I didn’t want to get out of bed. I forced myself to wake up, get dressed, and walk over to Lily’s house. The door swung open on the second knock. To my surprise, it wasn’t Lily who answered, it was her mom. “Hello Valkyrie, uh, er... Lily’s gone off to buy some groceries. Um, see you... later.” With that, Mrs. Henderson closed the door and I was left alone on the doorstep. I knew that Lily wasn’t buying groceries. Why would she be? I hurried back to Ninarika and I’s house and scrawled out a quick note to Lily.

Lily-
I knocked on your door this morning, but you weren’t there and I got nervous. Where are you? Please write back. Ninarika and I are worried sick! Please come home!
-Valkyrie

It hadn’t been but a minute before I got a response.


Valkyrie-
Please don’t worry! I’m fine.
~Lily

But I knew that she wasn’t fine. And the worst part was, I didn’t know where in Adamaris she could be. Or... A horrible thought occurred to me. She’s trying to get back home. I rushed inside to Ninarika. “What’s the matter?” she asked.
“Ninarika, how do you leave Adamaris?”
“Why would you want to?”
“I don’t. But I think Lily is trying to.”
Her eyes widened.
“We’ve got to go! Hurry!”
And we ran to the meadow. When we got there, catching our breath, Ninarika pulled out something I’d never seen before. “It was was your mother’s.” she explained, handing it to me. It was a wand. It was beautiful and delicate and everything I imagined a wand would be like, and more. At the first look, it was just a worthless stick. But, upon closer inspection, I saw that it was beautiful. Tiny, delicate carvings ran up and down the sides. On the handle, a thin strip of silver was wrapped around the handle. Ninarika, snapping me back to reality, hurriedly exclaimed, “You’re allowed to go home as long as you have it. Just say Adamarisia, receptia. Hurry!” she looked around. “If Lily’s already left, we haven’t got much time. She has a wand, so she could be anywhere by now.” I turned around. Ninarika’s eyes were full of tears. “Let me know when you get back to Earth. Now go!” I raised one shaking hand and waved goodbye. “Adamarisia, receptia!” And I was gone. At first it felt like I was going up a hill on a roller coaster, but then it felt more like floating.
I only floated like this for a few more moments, because before I knew it, I had hit solid ground. I got up and looked around. I was in a tiny one-room house. Sunlight streamed in through tiny chinks in the walls. A big, wooden dining table sat in the middle, surrounded by four old-fashioned chairs. A checkered tablecloth and vase full of flowers sat on the table. The flowers looked fresh, like someone had just picked them this morning. Then, suddenly, a boy emerged from the shadows. His head was down, his chin touching his chest. I gulped.
“Are you – from Adamaris?”
I guess that I’d startled him, and he looked up in surprise. “Y-yes. Are you?”
“Well, of course. What’s your name?”
“Um... Seth. You?”
“Valkyrie. Have you seen a blonde girl with pigtails and freckles come through here?”
The boy looked up. His skin was pale and his hair was the color of wet cardboard. But his face was kind, and his eyes were a deep blue-green. “Yes. She said her name was... Lily?”
“Yes! That’s her! Which way did she go?”
“Um, thattaway.” Seth explained, gesturing toward the only door.
I wrote Lily a quick note.


Lily,
I hope this finds you safe and well. I’m coming to find you. Please tell me where you are. I’m really worried. Also, I was wondering how to work this wand. How are we supposed to learn? I mean, it must do things other than let us go to and from Adamaris. Please respond.
Valkyrie

I sat down and waited, watching the note fold itself and fly out of sight.

Valkyrie
Don’t come after me. It’s too dangerous. I don’t know where I am or how I got here. All I know is that I’m being watched. I can feel it. Please, don’t come.
Lily

“Seth!” I called.
“Yeah?”
“You know your way around, don’t you?”
“Yeah. I kinda come and go between Adamaris and Earth. Why?”
“I need you. My friend Lily’s gone missing. You know how to work a wand, right?”
“Yes. I’ve been going to Duerty for five years.”
“Duerty?”
“Yeah. Duerty School of Magic. It’s in Adamaris.”
I looked at my wand. “So – you can learn how to work... these?”
Seth’s eyes widened as I showed him my wand. “You – you own the Forbes Wand?
“I guess so. I’m Valkyrie Forbes. My mom was Joanna Forbes.”
Seth staggered and fell into a chair. “Valkyrie, you’re famous. I’ve heard all about you.”
“W–why? Why would I be?” What is he talking about?
“Your mom, Joanna, she was amazing. A legendary Sistrel, she was.”
“Sistrel?”
“Yeah. You know, a Sistrel.” Seth prompted.
“What’s a Sistrel?”
“A Sistrel. It means Sister of Magic. She was the best that Adamaris has ever known.”
“Oh. Okay...”
“So, you’ve never even heard of Duerty Prep or Duerty School of Magic?”
“Nope. Never. But please, Seth, do me a favor. Explain later. We have to save Lily.”
Seth, nodding in reluctant agreement, began to show me a few simple, but life saving, spells.

Only about ten minutes later, Seth and I climbed out of the tiny shack, feeling resolute and confident. I’m not sure why. Maybe the whole hopelessness of our mission hadn’t quite sunk in yet. Suddenly, I was yanked out of my thought when we stepped outside. Looking at it from the outside, I realized that this was the exact same shack that I had come through on my way to Adamaris.
“Seth, how do you get back in to Adamaris?” I asked.
“Mm?”
“I mean, all you have to do is walk through that door?”
“Yep, pretty much.”
“Then, couldn’t anybody just walk through there and be in Adamaris? Wouldn’t we be discovered?”
“Well, no. You remember how when you first came to Adamaris, you came through here?”
“Yeah. So?”
“Well, this shack is enchanted. If someone who truly does not belong in Adamaris steps into the shack, they won’t be teleported into Adamaris. They’re just inside the dingy old shack, wonder what they’re doing in the old place, and then, before you can say Adamaris, the stupid little Rutwel is gone.”
“Rutwel?”
“It’s a name we use for non-Adamaris citizens.”

Nightfall came at last, and Seth and I had made very little progress. We’d barely gotten through a thin woodland that surrounded and concealed the shack. Once or twice Seth had had to pull out his wand and perform a spell on something or other to let us pass some invisible wall.
We camped out on the outskirts of the woods. Seth conjured up some tent thing. I was so tired that I wasn’t completely awestruck (well, at least not like I would have been if I had been wide awake). Curling up in my sleeping bag that night, a thought came to me. Would Mom be proud of me? Would she be proud that I was going out on an adventure to save my best friend? Would she really even want me to be here, now? But before I could get far into my thoughts, I was asleep.

I was awoken early that morning by a loud and hair-raising zip! I sat up and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. Seth was still rolled over in his purple nylon sleeping bag, his chest rising and falling gently. I stood up, intent on finding the source of the noise. Slipping out of the tent, I pulled out my wand and muttered “Lux.” A gentle flame sprang to life on the tip of my wand. I stuck my finger in it, and it tickled gently, like a hundred flittering snake tongues. Snapping myself out of it, I looked around in every direction. All I saw was the rising sun, an empty plain, and the shadow of the forest in the distance. A thin, silvery-gray haze outlined everything, making it look like the world was glowing. I took a deep breath and breathed in the thick, replenishing country air. Never had I breathed fresher air. Not even in tiny Jefferson Springs. Then, for the first time since my arrival at Adamaris, I thought of my mom.
I saw me and her, licking ice cream cones and sitting our patio. I was in a swimsuit. My wet hair was pulled back into a ponytail. My mom looked beautiful in a straw hat and sunglasses, with a wrap-around skirt and t-shirt. She reached toward me, probably to prevent my ice cream cone from dripping all over my new white flip-flops. She kept reaching and leaning. Her hands searched the air, like I wasn’t there. I waved my arms and hollered, “MOM! MOM!” She lifted her sunglasses and looked around, as if I was invisible.

I was pulled back to earth by a gentle tickling at my bare feet.
I looked down. A tan-colored envelope was sitting on the ground in front of me. It was bent and torn, like it had been flying for weeks. It didn’t have a name on it, so I picked it up, figuring it must be for me.

I have your dear companion here,
Wherever that may be.
If your friend you’d like to ever see,
You must first come and find me.
I will give you none but four vague hints
To guide you on your way
But to come and save your dearest friend
You have only twenty days.

“Seth!” I called, tripping over my own feet as I hurried to get back to the tent.
“What?” Seth had just woken up and his hair was sticking up in odd directions.
“I just – just – look!” I shoved the paper at him.
I watched his eyes widen as he read it.
“This is terrible. We’ve got to find her. How much time do we have again?” said Seth nervously.
“Twenty days.”

Just then, there was a loud crack, followed by an earsplitting roar. It sounded like a hundred cannons firing at once. Seth and I leaped for cover, but shortly before realizing we were in a tent. It did no good to hide. I looked at Seth nervously and he nodded, mouthing silently, “one... two... three.” We both leapt for it. We jumped out of the tent just as an enormous monster emerged from the forest.
It was terrifying. It had six thick, slimy orange necks, each topped with a serpent’s head. They had six pairs of great yellow fangs, dripping with green poison, and beady little black eyes and scrunched-up snouts, like they’d run into a wall. On its back were thousands of giant, razor-sharp spines, each one as sharp as a sword. Its ten-foot-long tail thrashed around, knocking trees and anything else near it to the ground. Seth gasped. I heard him mutter under his breath, “A Hymannad. Extremely powerful. Don’t make any noise.” I nodded. I heard a bush behind us rustle. I was so nervous I must have been hallucinating. The monster reared up on its strong legs, ready to attack. Then it charged forward. One of its heads darted down toward me. I ducked, but I was too late. I felt a sharp pain in my shoulder. A warm drop rolled down my arm. I covered my eyes. I didn’t want to look. I had nowhere to run. Then, I heard a loud, terrible shriek and something heavy fell to the floor.
I uncovered my eyes. Four long, silver arrows had planted themselves in the monster’s chest. The monster lay on its side in the dirt. All the trees within thirty feet behind it had been felled, like the monster had thrashed around before finally falling. Then I remembered the rustling. I spun around, expecting to see a magical Kigano. But instead I saw a girl. She was about my age, maybe a little older, but a few inches taller. In one hand she held a wooden bow. On her back was a navy-colored backpack, with six more arrows sticking out of the top. She wore faded jeans and a white t-shirt. Her hair was surprisingly neat, light blonde in a short little ponytail. “Name’s Lori.” the girl said.
“Oh. I’m Valkyrie. And, er... this is Seth.” I replied. Seth was examining the monster’s body.
Suddenly, I felt dizzy. Blackness rimmed the edges of my vision. The poison must be getting to me... I thought. I saw Lori rummaging through her backpack, muttering, “Counter-poison, it’s got to be in here.” I felt myself staggering and falling backwards. Spots appeared and danced in my vision. “Lori... Seth...” I tried to say, but all that came out was an exasperated moan. Then, a searing and agonizing pain started in my shoulder, where the monster’s fang had cut me. It began to spread through my whole body. The black in my vision began seeping toward the middle... I saw Seth and Lori rush over, but suddenly my vision somehow zoomed out and I was looking at them from far away. They were too late. I felt my body go limp.
Then, the oddest thing happened. The darkness that overwhelmed me in the beginning suddenly exploded into gold. It faded, and I saw white. Just white. Then, I saw my mother appear in the center of the vision. She turned and moved a little to the left. Then, to the right center, I saw a Kigano appear beside my mother. But she didn’t look like a normal Kigano. Her hair was thick and sweeping and a jeweled crown sat on top of her head, which she held high, like a horse with short reins. My mother looked beautiful too. Her long hair billowed out behind her and she wore a long satin ball gown. They turned and bowed to each other. Then they began to walk toward me. I tried to back up, but I couldn’t control my feet. They remained stationary. My mother and the Kigano began to speed up. They were going to run right into me. Then, two inches away from me, they vaporized. They became fine ribbons of mist and swirled around each other in an eerie formation. Then, a gold ball erupted between the two ribbons. One ribbon flew to the left and made Earth. The other flew to the right and made Adamaris. The gold ball spun faster and faster. Then it exploded. And where it was now stood a golden bridge, connecting Earth and Adamaris.

“Valkyrie?”
“Valkyrie? You okay?” A cold, sweet liquid dribbled down my throat. Instantly, I felt the pain recede.
“There you go. Okay Seth, she’s fine.” I opened my eyes and saw Lori crouching beside me.
“Thank you.” I said.
“Hey, no prob. I don’t think we’ve been formally introduced yet. I’m Lori. Just Lori.”
“Oh – okay. Er... Valkyrie. But you can call me V.”
“Sure thing. You’re friend’s kinda sad over there.” She pointed with her chin toward a tree stump where Seth sat crying.
He looked utterly amazed when he saw me walk over to him. “Valkyrie? You’re alive?” he asked.
“Well yeah. ‘Course I am. Barely, though.”
His face broke into a huge grin. “Well good. Can’t have you dead. That was only the first monster.”
I laughed. It was good to be back. Then I thought of my vision. “Seth... Lori, I need to tell you guys something.”
When I finished, Lori looked positively amazed. Seth’s eyes were as big as saucers. “Well, V, you know this can only mean one thing,” Lori said, “your mom was the bridge between Adamaris and earth.” This revelation hit me with the force of a ten-ton hammer. My stomach gave an unpleasant lurch. “You mean... my mom’s dead, so I’m...” I ventured. Lori closed her eyes and nodded slowly.
There was an awkward silence for a long time after that. Seth started fixing the tent, which had been knocked over in the monster attack. Lori began to yank her arrows out of the monster’s chest. I, not sure how I could help, started collecting firewood. Lori stopped me before I could waste too much time.
“Hello? Magic?” she said, her tone of voice suggested laughter. Then she conjured a fire that hovered a few inches above the ground, without any wood or kindling. Then she started off toward the monster and beckoned for me to follow her. When we got to it, she stood over the monster’s back. Then, unexpectedly and unceremoniously, she pulled out one of the monster’s giant spines. It transformed immediately in her hand until it was a gleaming silver sword. The hilt was gold, and had numerous little green stones in it.
“Terribly sharp. A little poisonous too, but the poison won’t kill, just burn. Badly.”
She handed the sword to me. “You’ll need a weapon, since you don’t know any spells yet,” she went on.
“Yeah. Thanks. You need one too, while we’re here?”
“Nah. I got my bow and arrows. And you’re welcome. I’m sure it’ll come in handy.” She smiled.
“Well c’mon. We’re wasting daylight.” And so Lori, Seth, and I set off.
❁❁❁

be still, sad heart, and cease repining
behind the clouds is the sun still shining




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Hey penprincess! To be honest with you, I couldn't get through this. I skimmed through most of it, but it was very long. Maybe you could break it down into smaller parts? So, you have an interesting concept for a story, but right now, you're rushing through certain parts and nothing really jumps out at me. Open up your story with a bang (maybe with a snappy piece of dialogue or an action scene). Make the reader want to read more. Create memorable characters that we won't forget. And take your time explaining everything. We don't have to know everything in the first chapter. Slow down the pace; you have a whole novel to explain everything that you need to.

Don't let this discourage you and keep writing!

Embee
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. - Bob Marley




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Points 2125
Reviews 7
Wow! I love fantasy novels and I think you have the potential to be a great fantasy writer given your interest at your age! A few pointers here and there though..

First, your post is a bit too long given that you are writing a novel, I expected you to break it into chapters.eg
Spoiler
Chapter 1/Prologue: Death of Mom
Chapter 2: Trip to England/Adamaris
Chapter 3: Adamaris
Your long narrative makes it a bit tiring to read given that there are no breaks to create anticipation in the reader. Secondly, the trick with writing fantasy is to be original. You've done a really good job of this though but I couldn't help seeing a little bit of Harry Potter and Bilbo Baggins in your MC. I think you have the potential to personally create your fantasy world free of influence? Speaking of the MC, you have not taken enough time to develop her character. Your novel/narrative is a very quick flow almost reading like a list with you mentioning this happened, followed by that etc. This lack of character development flowed into your other characters e.g I fail to understand how close Valkyrie has become with Lily to the extent that she refers to her as her best friend. Don't be in too much of a hurry that you fail to develop your characters which ultimately renders you unable to communicate with the reader.

You need to diversify your sentence structures. Most of your sentences are short and use the 'I' too much..this repetition makes reading quite tiresome so please check on that. Like I said before, your story is developing too fast. You are not taking enough time to describe Adamaris or Valkyrie's surroundings. Also there are loopholes in your plot e.g. How did Valkyrie learn how to say Lux when she didn't even know of a magic school or any spells as your character Lori confirms? Check on that!

Otherwise, you are off to a promising start and I hope you incorporate the above in your next writing. Slow down and get more original ideas..the earth connection thing is a good place to start.
Life takes a bit of time and a lot of relationship.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 240
Reviews 8
Hey pen! This is the story that i read at your house and i thought it was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I somehow managed to read it all again today and i thaought it was amazing again!!!!!
You are a magnificant writer!! I just love the concept of this story, a little like avatar but different.
The only thing I would say is to maybe write it in parts or chapters, because it was a little long.
But otherwise great story!!!!!!!!!!!!
Keep up the awesome stories and poems!! I love them!!!!!!
HAPPY REVIEW DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1276
Reviews 378
I really liked this my probem; TOO LONG. Another is you need to separate your paragraphs and dialogues so we readers don't get lost, which I did too many times to count...anyways it was nicely well done. Just split the events into chapters and space the paragraphs and thats all I can say. Good job and Happy Writing!!! Also Happy Review Day and best of lucks. I hope you get many helpful reviews...
Soulkana<3
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.



pain is that feeling when you are feeling hurt, but it never goes away leaving me hurt. oh it hurts.
— Dragonthorn